been awhile.

well its been a minute since ive wrote. i know i am doing the creative everyday thing but unfortunately i have a hand that is out of commission and i dont really have money to get a few things i need in order to do some of the projects i had on my list...

i am going to finish my collage and craft cabinent.

seems like now i am holding on by a thread again.
why does life seem to threaten me?
i find myself holding on tight
fighting suicide daily.
this is my reality.

well i havent been doing much but going to work and hanging with lil sis. i threw my moms 50th birthday party last weekend which took a lot of planning time and money that i could have now but hey it was a fun night for her.

on the topic of money...a nameless person and i were on the phone and they asked me how my process went at social services this week because i went to apply for medicaid and i told them i needed to turn in some more paperwork and they said, "well good i bet you feel a lot better now" and i replied, "well im still broke as a joke." they wanted to go on and on talking about how i am not broke and i have everything i need and i was like no i dont. i dont have enough money to pay my bills every month my credit is shot i am so behind. and they go..."what bills do you have i mean come on all you have is your student loans and you dont have to pay those yet." ok so then they keep going on and want to ask me what my minimum payments are and what bills i have and i wanted to jump through the phone and strangle their ass because they dont need to ask me questions about my bills unless they are going to help me pay them. i hate people. just dumb asking me questions for what? i hate people who talk about how much money they make nad what they have and what they are doing all the damn time but they havent helped me knowing full well i havent had a job since march and now i just started working a part time job. well i knwo people think i live with my mom now so i dont have anything to worry about but in the midst of my depression and trying to kill myself my mom was frazzled was helping me, giving me money, dealing iwht therapy costs and medication and GUESS WHAT???

motherfuckers want to foreclose on our house because we are broke as a damn joke trying to deal with all this stuff oh its kinda like all my fault but hey this is why you say well maybe if i would have killed myself back when i first was trying to things would be ok?

I HATE PEOPLE HARD.

do you know that this whole sitation does not make sense!!!! YES TIMES ARE HARD. but i know people who are really balling at if not balling they are making it with surplus. i have talked about cards and all and i know people who havent even send that much. ugh i am sorry but i just hate the world today because i am so upset.

look at me.
23 doing nothing.
2 degrees and struggling.
doing nothing at all.
struggling on my own.
trying to hold my own.
fighting depression and suicide daily.
holding on by a thread.
broken heart.
negative 1,000 point self esteem.
i need therapy.
really i need
a transplant.
a heart transplant.
a soul transplant.
a life transplant.

but if i died would i really come back to life?
i used to always think this...and would i go to hell?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love it!!!

another ugh.

i am embarassed by my holes
the void
my emotional deficiencies
my inability
what i lack
embarassed by my posture
sinking so low
my low self esteem
or NO self esteem
what happened to the confident brown skin lady with the fro?
the one who was in the mix of everything
she is gone.
how does she come back?
i am tired of running from everything. everyone. myself.
i want to stop.

I can’t do this
I’m too bent out of shape to keep pushin
They keep asking me to give
But how can I lend what I don’t own?
Emotionally void
I am a misfit
A portion of the world that does not exist
A mere myth
I do not exist
I play not secondary
But nothing string
I watch the music begin and the actors glide across stage
And I sigh.
I hate theatre.
I hate life.
i hate myself.
i hate everything and everyone.

i am so tired of being sad and being jacked up and being tired.

this boy.

there is this boy...

hes tall. i like tall guys.

hes slim, nice lil athletic build...i like that.

hes nice. plus.

he gives foot massages. yes!

he is a poet/rapper...yummy cuz he loves words...

he is a sagitarius! perfect fire sign compatibility...

BUT...

he is also like 4 years younger. lol.

AND...

Its too risky so I sit back with my shades and my hoodie pulled low
When scents and sweat and feelings mix the outcome is dense
So I stay far even though the magnet in my chest pulls toward him

we could be a poem intermixed. but i cant do it. its too risky.

too personal. i crush hard. i like hard. i love hard.

and i dont want to get close.tight.involved.hurt.

figured out my to do list.

ok so for the art everyday november joint....

here is my 2 do list. it might be too much seeing as how i work and my left hand is limited the next few weeks but ill try...

1. lady in orange painting
2. quilt and pillow set for sis
3. success painting for other sis
4. women collage painting
5. new dresser
6. write 5 poems
7. write 3 prose pieces

because i figure writing is art too...

lets see how this comes out. i will post each when they are complete. i think this week i will start with the women collage painting...

art everyday

this should be a good kind of therapy...

the art everyday challenge in november...click on the pic in the cormer for more info...

i have 3 paintings to do
and a quilt/pillow set

hope to get it all done with this challenge!

plus want to paint the rest of the walls in my room...

feeling a little better only problem is, this is going to be a little more challenging since i have a broken finger and limited use of my left handfor the next few weeks... :-/ i will find a way because i cant wait to work on my quilt!!!!!!

very sad.

i am very sad.



not only am i in a lot of pain, but my dog of 10 years went away today to get put to sleep.



why do i keep experiencing loss? pain? hurt? sadness? depression?



i just dont know.

life sucks

so i got attacked and in the process my finger broke and my hand was all bloody so since that means more infection i had to get 2 shots and one was a huge one in my butt and take like 3 pills and get my hand wrapped up and a splint and in all this pain and they said oh we dont know if the doctor will give you an excuse for work tomorrow. he doesnt have to. i wanted to snatch the sheet away and say dont you see that i am on anti-depressants dumb ass although i can still walk i am mentally jacked up right now about what happened i have blood all over the floors and on the walls and you think i can just keep it moving?

i think a normal person would want to sit down and get their mind right.

so no work for me tomorrow.

and it would be my left hand so i cant even write.

it just took me forever to type this damn post.

UGH!!!!

if i havent been joining in the suffering of jesus christ i dont know what ive been doing. just about this whole year has been painful...

fear.

things been going well.
is that why im scared?

well two things...

1. friends

i was watching season 2 dvd of girlfriends and this is when joan and toni stopped being friends but then toni got saved at the church it was a nice scene, yes i cried when i watched it lol but it made me think about all the people who are no longer in my life, and i wonder if one day we will be friends again? it doesnt make sense to me. i mean i dont think so. i am fine right now. i have my FAMILY and dont really need anybody else. i am FEARFUL of adding to my life because maybe for every 2 people i add, 1 is going to hurt me, or maybe out of every 2 people, 2 people will hurt me, use me, view me with jealous eyes, take from me, leave me...

i am afraid to have friends because i do not want that pain again.
and even sometimes with some people in my life i dont even want to try anymore because it doesnt make sense. friendship doesnt make sense to me anymore. these are real words. i dont know how to explain it because it is 3am i am still trying to understand it myself...

2. significant others

chilling with lil sis in her dorm about once a week and i have met some cool college kids lol no really like some cool people who make me wish i was in college right now, but anyway....hehehe so if i WERE in college there are some nice young men i could date BUT i am not going to jail. i will post a convo me and sis and her friend had in the car about that...so anyway a lot of them are talking about relationships and i am thinking GOSH yall just graduated high school, the people you are with now you might not be with by the time you graduate college and the ways you act you probably wont act by the time you graduate college. but it just made me think about relationships. then one of my family members out in the midwest who i love with all my heart told me over the phone about somebody we went to college with who recently got engaged and i was like wow look everybody is getting married, engaged, having kids, buying houses...i am not ready for that...i dont want the pressure to do so...
then one of my ex's called me and wants to come over to have dinner with me and my mom because he "loves my mom so much and her food" but really, i think its because he broke up with the girl he was with lol and he is trying to slide back in. ugh. you know i have always been a mans best, but they have never been mine. wow...where is my husband? lol not to get married quick but to build that solid foundation with...

so in the course of all this...i havent really had anytime to think about a man because that is not anywhere in my life. but i started missing my skateboarding artist real hard...he was...maybe the best so far...started thinking about his granite countertops and wood floors. his paintings all over the house. our puppies. and then our family split apart lol but like most of the men i have dated, he refuses to deal with his real issues and all that stuff so it wouldnt work anyway...oh well...

i want to meet this man who understands where im coming from because he is there too...when my students call me 3 in the morning about something crazy that popped off and we gotta march for freedom, hes not covering his head with the pillow and getting an attitude talkin bout "you always giving yourself to everybody else but what about me?" but a man who by the time i get off the phone is standing at the door dressed in all black like, "come on babe, we signed up for this at birth, if not us then who to change the world???"

fly...right? a reflection is what i want. reflection of peace. of God. of love.

but thats scary...and i dont know if i will ever be ready for that foreal.

but i guess, no, I KNOW that God knows when we are ready for EVERYTHING in life.

so even though i have all this fear about friendships and relationships and just letting people in my life after everything that has happened, i just have to trust God...


***got a LOT of stuff to write about but i am lazy and dont write. and i call myself a writer....mmmhmm

....

today was my first day working at tar-jayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! lol you know one moment i was like i am not going to tell anybody where i work or how much i make things like that. but then i asked myself WHY??? because i thought people would think less of me, people would complain about my life and tell me that i SHOULD be working somewhere else so on and so on since i have a masters degree blah blah blah...

but you know...i think this is a great first job coming out of what i have been through the last few months. and i like my job. they make it so much fun to want to work there and they thank you every morning for coming to work because you can work anywhere else....plus i get a discount! lol so for now its cool...but i am really hoping and praying i get this job i interviewed for a few days ago. (PRAY!!!!)

speaking of people and their opinions....

this saturday i had the great opp of visiting some future in laws because my sister and her boo and my goddaughter flew up to his moms house from atlanta and we all drove up to visit them in northern va. well some of us are sitting around the table just talking and lil sis brings up my name change i think. and so somebody says why do you want to change your name to that and i explain what it means. then this girl who used to be my roommate but werent close, she says all hard "

"your name is your name you shouldnt change it. that just doesnt make sense."

im thinking...mean and bad.

like how are you going to go hard on me about changing my name? you dont have a right. so i explained really politely how ntozake changed her name and how she was depressed in the past and how i went through the same thing. and old girl aint have NOTHING to say.

then later on we are watching the music channels and sade came on and the fact ran across the screen that sade was born another name and i said see...sade changed her name.

and here go old girl..."we'll that is just her stage name! i mean gosh your name is your name"

and i thought,

THE WORLD IS MY STAGE....

not feeling too good. starting to feel like a cold so i am going to bed. write later or maybe in the morning because i work late tomorrow.

restless.

(pic of the obama bag i painted. VOTE VOTE VOTE!! please go to http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/statepages to find your local office and contact them to see how you can volunteer the next few weeks to campaign for obama cuz i know you aint voting for Mc WACK and beauty queen wack-er)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im restless.

something beautiful is about to happen.

i feel it deep in my spirit.

just dont know what it is...

when i find out ill definitely write about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this weekend was good...

the show was crazy amazing Friday night in DC. I feel like i should write better than this about it. i will soon. maybe in another hour or maybe another day. I just wanted to write because i didnt feel like writing and what better way to break that feeling than by just doing it.


TODAY AT CHURCH...in va,

pastor started on a series last week about growing in christ. today he discussed the keys to growing. and he told us pretty much they are the Word of God, Prayer, and the Church. things that we already know.

BUT the really important part was the 3 keys he gave that work in unity with the previous keys.

1. HUMILITY---allows for pruning, allows for God to cut things away in our lives in order for growth. Pastor said that things happen and God will cut people out of our lives, cut things/places out of our lives, even personality changes in us.

WOW. hmmm i think that i have definitely experienced humility. and PRAISE GOD for cutting things out of my life that dont need to be there!!!! IT HURTS. change, growth all of those things hurt, but when the smoke clears and you are able to think and breathe deep and clear you start to understand a part of Gods plan...prayer and meditation are key to really understanding this...I am so thankful for humility. my depression was hard when i was first diagnosed but i am doing so much better and i know that it might take a little more time but i thank God that i am where i am today...


2. STABILITY---sometimes we have to stay where we are and not let the enemy or other people or things make us move out of where we are...this one was cool, not so much personal for me but i definitely thought of my mom and her ex-business partner who tried to push her out of the business due to her own selfish greed but that has not stopped my mom from moving on and beginning her OWN business...do it girl!

jealously is so ridiculous. i wish that the "crab" syndrome was not so ugly in the black community why cant we just all help each other be more successful?


3. CONSISTENCY---WOW. something that i have been talking about, consistency in relationships, but what about our consistency with God and prayer? Pastor said that it is better to do a little bit consistently than doing a lot inconsistently.

He said that we eat 3 hot meals a day, but feed our spirit 1 cold snack a week. said that some poeple only pray 1 hour a month instead of 3 minutes each day. wow. WOW. i dont know how people go to sleep at night with out prayer, you dont know what might happen to you while you are sleep!!! i cant make it through my days with out prayer and meditation all the time. my life is a constant prayer. maybe for me it is so important because i have been broken and torn so much to the point where i HAD NO CHOICE but to depend completely on God and pray consistently...

I thought about my old friend I spoke about before and how she has been so busy and lacked consistency in her friendships, but at church i thought, i would rather her never talk to me again than to be inconsistent in her relationship with God. I am willing to lose out on friends if it means they will draw closer to Jesus Christ. thats DEEP.

I am at peace right now. It was brought to my attention that I have a lot, and when i looked around i realized, I have everything I need. yeah so i dont have enough money to do what i need to do and pay all my bills, but i have a beautiful home to live in, i have food in the fridge and cabinents, i have a closet full of clothes and shoes and accesories, i have a tv, i have 2 bookshelves full of book, i have library cards to 5 different cities if i dont own a book i want to read lol, i have lots of arts supplies and paint and glitter and canvasses and beads to make whatever i want to create, i have my limbs to walk the puppy and to dance and stretch and move, i have a voice to tell and share and love, i have a mind to create and the ability to write and paint it out, i have two dogs to play with and love on and they adore me, i have a great mom who has sacrificed so much for me, a loving grandmother who is so funny, a new aunt who is more like my new 40 something best friend, i have some of the best sisters who should have been my blood sisters but blood dont mean nothing, a few brothers who love me unconditionally, but most of all I have GOD and I AM STILL ALIVE.

and me and daddy havent really had the best relationship the past 18 years and i could blame that on all the failed and dysfunctional relationships, friendships, and choices in my life but that was in the past...

daddy congratulated me on all my success saturday and sent me some money in the mail and before we got off the phone he said....

"hey, dont forget, I love you..."

and i love you. for loving and marrying a country girl named alice so that i could dance and break out of her womb as a savior of the people...

i will dance.
i will love.
i will save.
without reservations.

ps. i have gained my confidence back. i no longer compare myself to other people who really werent even on my level in the first place. i am stronger. than yesterday. than 90 days ago when i was contemplating killing myself. i am stronger...

excitment.

i have started the application process and that makes me so excited.

i know i was going to wait until fall 2010, but it just doesnt make sense. All i want to do is teach college. so why wait 2 years to get my PhD? working some dumb job i dont really like? dont think so. I had to pray and think about it really hard especially while i was at this job fair last week, because none of the jobs interested me. I just want to teach college. that is my dream job. Dr. me, Professor me... :-)

so i am going for it. and i see no reason why they wont accept me. i am the bomb! i am strong. i am creative. an innovator. a scholar. and one thing i love...i love my people. i love my sisters. and imma do all the studying, research, teaching, and programming to make sure we stay in somebodies classroom...ok.

yes! excited foreal.

oh and i got a parttime job at one of my favorite stores!!!! wooo hooo!!!!!

and i have another interview for a full time job next week. things are looking positive :-)

praise god. because that is the ONLY way we make it. even if people dont want to admit it, they betta admit it because GOD is it! i know i should be dead but i am still alive and smiling only because of my God....(can i get a hand clap? lol)

i wish all readers peace and love and success...

i live with a monster. a cute monster.

yes Nyia tore up my futon. all i did was take the cover off to wash it and she just went and demolished it. maybe because my mom did not feed her dinner while i was out at the library...lol i guess she had to eat something...

being a puppy mom is hard. i dont know how people with real kids manage...many blessings to you with children...i do pray that one day i am blessed to have some beautiful babies with an amazing strong black man of God...

just wanted people to see something i gotta deal with daily. this giant puppy who now weighs 54 pounds at age 7 months...

i'll write about life later. i really have a lot to write about the past weekend i went to my grandmas in the country, to the football game at UVA, and to DC for play practice. A lot. and this week is also a busy week! not only do i have a performance with the Saartjie Project on Friday night in DC, i also have to present my research on adolescent sexual behavior at Howard University on Friday afternoon. Yeah...and today is wednesday. ugh.

I just took my new medication last night, new type new dose. so lets PRAY HARD that I dont have any side effects like being sleepy because I have so much I have to do and I have to drive to DC tomorrow...

greeting cards/me myself and i

today i passed by the greeting card aisles and thought id take a look...

then i found this really beautiful card with glitter and beautiful designs on the front and it said

"keep smiling"

then on the inside it read:

"have a beautiful day (no matter what else is going on around you).

and i thought man i wish i would get this card in the mail....then i realized, i am not going to wait on people to encourage me when i can encourage myself...

SO i brought the card for MYSELF!

and i wrote a message to myself inside of it.

"we are going to have a fabulous life as J.A." (J.A. are the intitals to my new name i am changing to)

love,

me.

i got me myself and i. while it is sad that others dont send cards and encouragement (especially when i have said numerous times how much i LOVE cards and ecards, and people have seen them all over my house so you should have picked up on how much i love cards), and it is sad that i have to do it for myself, it is also empowering that i CAN do it for myself...that i can look within and stand on my own two feet and not hope and wish and wait on others because ultimately they are not the source of my happiness and at the end of the day being happy is up to me and God working together to develop that environment in my head so that it spills over into my life...

i told my mom i brought myself a card because others wont. and she said "how do you know they wont do it for you?" and i told her "because they havent." she said, "not in your time focus on Gods time"

now i am trusting in God for many things, but im sorry because that is a poor excuse relating to a simple greeting card...that is a poor excuse for peoples behavior. we have to live for TODAY!!! we cant put things off that relate to the heart, to family, to wholeness, to healing for tomorrow, because what if a part of tomorrow never surfaces? what if you dont get the chance tomorrow to encourage that one person you thought about today? do that one thing you knew would help someone else or even help yourself? we have to ACT TODAY while we still have the chance.

WILL YOU ACT TODAY?

numbers.

78.

i got 78 cents in my bank account. wow.

i DONT want to hear ANYBODY talk about being broke. because i only have seventy eight cents. and bill collectors calling every single day. and tmobile threatening to cut my phone off every single week. i wish this was the old days where familes banded together and took up donations for family members who were struggling. what to do? i dont like asking people for money...i might have to get over that right now. i just dont feel community with people its weird...what has happened to black people we have got to do better!!!!

45.

my dog weighs 45 pounds. and she is just almost 7 months old. which means she is going to probably get as big as 60 or more pounds. hmmm...

well, i had an interview today for a part time job at one of my favorite stores. as me and the interviewer were talking she said, "now i know you dont want to work for us with a masters degree" and i was like i need a full time job and 3 part time jobs to pay these bills because i am already so behind on them in the first place. i have to pay hundreds of extra dollars because of my finanical situation. and aint much i could do. who was going to work or hire me in the state i was in august and september? hmmmm....nah.

the economy sucks. i hope i get a job soon. i just want to pay my bills!!!! i dont even want money so i can go shopping or add more money to my savings account, get my nails done or all that other ridiculousness, i just want to pay my bills. what a luxury to be able to pay bills!!! count your blessings if you have a job making enough money to take care of your own business becasue i dont have one. i know my credit score SUCKS now and thats wack because i want to be able to start my businesses and try to get a business loan in order to open my book shop/community center next year...

God please....hook me up ASAP.

oh yeah.

my next big thing to do is to start my own publishing company because i know so many people who want to publish, so many poets and artists and writers that i believe in...

so its going down! as soon as i get things together.

trust and believe its going to be in progress by the beginning of 2009.

email me for more info if you want...

mama came lookin for us...

i was walking the dog tonight and let her run off in a field on the way back home and as she came closer to me i noticed she was crunching on something...

it was a turtle she found while running in the field, and yes she killed it.

i was so upset. how could she!!!!!!! i remember my first pet was a turtle i found walking across the road when i was like 6 years old. i made my mom stop the car and let me pick it up. then somebody stole it off our porch a few weeks later...and now the dog eats turtles.

shes on punishment. now i do understand shes just a baby, only 7 months old and thought it was a toy but dag...inflicting violence on the innocent.

so i called my mom to tell her but my phone is cheap and died right after i said "mom"...as i got closer to the house i saw her car driving down the street and she rolled down the window yelling my name and telling me that she was driving around looking for us because all she heard me say was mom and then when she kept calling back it went straight to voicemail. said her chest was hurting and she had the house phone and her cell phone in the car...

then i get in the house and charge the phone and talk to my sister in atlanta and shes like "i called you 3 times you cant have your phone off!!! we get worried..."

glad to know somebody is still worried about my status of life.
didnt know they would get worried like that though...sorry guys...my phone is cheap! i wrote a poem about it a few months ago lol

I TALKED TO MY MOMS CLOSE FRIEND ON THE PHONE TONIGHT....


she asked me how my day was and i told her it was ok. she asked me how could we make my day better? what can be done? and i told her for me to get a job. she laughed and told me that it was on the way...

she said...
"DONT YOU KNOW THAT GOD HAS YOU? take this time to enjoy life, whether it is watching tv, sleeping in past 8am, packing your moms lunch each night, reading some books, doing your hair, just do it. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW. SO EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS AND KNOW THAT HE HAS YOU IN HIS HANDS AND EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL....and stay beautiful...i love you!!! remember he wants you to be completely happy!"

that was some beautiful encouragement tonight after i had been feeling a little down due to the response that a 'friend' had to my previous post about friends who dont have time to check in...which ill talk about next...



THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PAGE....


she read my post and got all upset. she told me that i was wrong and that SATAN is messing with my mind making me think people dont care about me. she told me she loves me.
now my question is, how do people know we care about them? we show them. I have not heard from her since August and i have sent her emails and ecards but she had not responded to me...what would you think?

i told her i am SO TIRED of people using satan as a crutch. it seems that we have become intellectually lazy and tend to blame everything on satan instead of critically assessing the situation to figure out what is wrong and what needs to change and what we need to work on.

i could have just said, oh satan is messing with my mind and not actively committed myself to growing stronger and moving past my depression into a beautiful place...faith without works is dead. she continued on saying things that didnt make much sense to me because friendship is not based on if i think you are my friend because you told me you loved me a few months ago, i know you are my friend because you are continuously there for me especially during hard times, and well hey i had to remind her that i am sick with depression. i think people dont really understand the severity of the illness which is why i urged my friends to do their own research online and to read my blog but many of them havent. oh well...

she told me that she has been busy with work. i dont want anybody to tell me they are busy if they dont have kids. im sorry. but my sister is pregnant and raising a toddler and works as a nurse in a demanding operating room. she is busy every single day but she sacrifices her time to make sure we are in contact with one another whether by phone, email, AIM, or text if not every day, close to everyday. and those are the types of sisterfriends i want in my new life.

my 'friend' continued to make me feel as though something was wrong with me because i challenged her to be a better friend. if we are to honestly be sisterfriends we have got to do better. not contacting a friend with depression for almost 2 months and 'forgetting' to respond to her emails is not good enough. sorry to say so. and NO one will make me feel bad because i feel like i deserve encouragement and stronger friendships. I have a right!!! I have given of myself in invaluable ways to hundreds of people who have only drained my postitive energy source. which is probably one of the main reasons why i became depressed. i believe God is allowing me to experience these losses to see that i have to take control of my life and to not only guard my heart but to guard my positive energy supply.i gotta keep moving gotta keep on. i read a sisters blog on ymib.com today and she left me with a quote that is so strong for me now...

"People can only devalue you if you let them"

i was talking to my mom about it and she told me that people are just going to have to learn their own definitions of friendship right now for themselves but she is glad that i am learning and growing and getting stronger and focusing on what God has for me and not what i am seeing but holding onto my faith.

Like i wrote yesterday, i am so sad because the Black community has a rich tradition. We come from ancestors who developed amazing spirits and powers. Each of us hold inside of us the power to heal one another physically, emotionally and mentally but we have allowed so many other issues and things tear us apart and keep us from understanding and realizing our healing potental if we all come together. I truly believe that if one of us is hurting or sick and all of us band together with that person and pray and meditate and commune with them we will be able to intiate healing among one another....

this is why i have in the past developed my own activites and events to bring people together, one thing i remember is a dinner i hosted at my home to honor black history and we were able to commune together and remember our ancestors and discuss issues in a welcoming enviroment. i wanted to faciliate that for my friends...and some of those same people are ones who walked away from me, but at least i planted some type of seed in their lives.

through my involvement in other activites and circles, i have begun meeting people who have those same beliefs about friendship, sisterhood, and healing circles. and maybe it is just that the ones who dont believe and dont understand will have to leave my life and be replaced by the new ones... still i have hope for my old friends who have yet to allow themselves to be unlocked and open to change in their own lives and definitions/traditions of friendship...

i changed the photos in the frames.

before beginning, i must thank my network that LITERALLY saved my life when i was about to commit suicide...

+my mom who prayed for me, but also dropped everything and came to drive to maryland in the dark when she did not have her new glasses to pick me up and bring me home
+nyia my dog because she would lay on top of me every single night and wouldnt let me get out of bed to get out of my bedroom and followed me everywhere
+the saartijie project and my sister circle because they encouraged me and held me up to continue each day

today i have many to thank, the ones who continue to sacrifice their time and stand in the gap for me...


this weekend i looked at my pictures and began taking pictures out of the frames and replacing them with other photos.

why?

because the people in those original frames were inadequate.

lil sis and i sat and ripped up pictures. when i took some photos out to rip, she asked me why and what had happened with me and the individuals. i told her that as time passed i began to see that they were friends who only acted like a friend when you were around but not all the time. she had this expression on her face lke she was sorry and then she said,

"we dont need those type of friends. we need 24-7 friends."

i agreed.

Im depressed. I always need some drop of encouragement.

now one of the women whose photos i removed from my room and ripped up was this girl who has been a friend for awhile. we have known each other since we were young. the past 2 months we have not really talked, i have sent her emails, even E-CARDS!!!!! and she didnt respond, she didnt send me an E-card in return, nothing.

(no she could not send me an ecard, which means she definitely doesnt read this blog because she would have read the post in which i wondered why there are no cards for depression and other mental illnesses or why people dont send me ecards because they are free!)

so i decided to send her a final email to find out what was going on. did her email account not work? did she not get the emails i sent? and she replied

she got an email and forgot to respond. she has been busy the past few weeks. she did NOT even ask me how i had been doing...(which hasnt been that great, and the evidence is my increase in medication...)

i thought...ok.
thanks for letting me know who you really are!

one of those old friends who goes into the category of, basing friendship on the number of dinners and club outings. dag.

who is so busy that they cant drop an email or a text message?

who is so busy that they cant reply to an ecard with an encouraging ecard, damn i am the one who is mentally and emotionally sick. are you on medication????

sometimes i wonder if people are just waiting for invitations to my funeral.

so i just sit back and watch people fall out of my life like the fall leaves.

how many of my close, well used to be close friends have i sent the link to my blog to telling them that this is how they can keep up with me even when we dont talk....how many of them have actually read the blog? few.

i have a few more frames to redo.


i am so tired of people who are just WACK. fake. inconsiderate. unable to take a second out of their days. people who dont care. people who dont know how to be a friend. people who claim to love God but fail to act like Christ would. ugh! still i keep them in my prayers because it is the christian thing to do.

I AM DISSAPOINTED!!!! you know why????

because the black community is unique in its ability to build strong kinship networks. throughout history the black community has banded together to offer healing to one another. sisterfriends and brothers have held each other up in order to faciliate peace and stability for one another even in a world of chaos.

so what has happened with these people that i know?

not all of them but maybe like most...

WHICH REMINDS ME....

at church on sunday we were looking at a few verses of psalms 34 and so naturally i just decided to read the whole chapter quickly during the service and kept reading and found this scripture that made me think of my so called friendships

psalms 35:11-15

" they repay me evil for good. i am sick with despair.
yet when they were ill, i grieved for them.
I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered.
I was sad, as though they were my family,
as if i were grieving for my own mother
but they are glad now that I am in trouble;
they gleefully join together against me."

i was like dag. They were doing David like that too back in the day...but God is able to turn things around and bring those who are being mistreated into a beautiful day. Which is why I am not even worried about the people who mistreat me because God is getting ready to bless me big time and I am going to be amazingly successful beyond the success I already have....



ON OTHER TOPICS...

tonight for dinner i made salmon burgers with sweet potato fries and a tossed salad with romaine lettuce blend, corn, apples, and tomatoes....it was off the chain. my mom is working on losing weight before her 50th birthday celebration in november...get it girl! so i have been cooking more healthy meals...i am working on losing weight too...

it was a good day.

except i didnt go to therapy and i stayed in bed until 3pm. i didnt want to g and will never go to her again i dont like my therapist and will be getting a NEW one when i get my new job and new insurance...i just want a black woman who gives me applicable exercises to do and engages me more than my old therapist did

without family.

where would we be without family? i mean REAL family...

i have two sisters who are not related by blood, but blood has nothing to do with family. but my sisters both have new situations, one starting college and transitioning and another transitioning having babies and living far away (but about to move back to VA YAY!)

these women often say they are thankful for me and my mom all the time because we are there for them in so many ways, but they have NO idea how much i appreciate them being there for me. the time me and lil sis spend together on the weekends, because i dont have friends back home and dont want any really, dont really go anywhere but she always brightens my day and gets me excited to do things around the area...and my other sister who calls me every single day and if i dont answer leaves me messages worried because "i betta pick up the phone, she needs to be in contact with me at all times with me being depressed and all, silence might equal suicidal thoughts and we cant have that" what a sacrifice because she has a full time job at the hospital and is raising my goddaughter (who is a toddler), and is pregnant again with my future godson. :-) most women like that dont have much time but she makes it to make sure i am doing ok, so in return i make time for her too. i just wanted to say that i truly love them and i am thankful for the 13 years we have known each other...

muah!

oh i love my doctor too, when i told her my insurance is running out, she wrote my perscripton for meds for a month and then she told me that once i have future appointments with her she will only charge me my copay which is $20 instead of the full office visit which is like $100. i was like wow. she told me she still wants to be there for me and make sure i get better.

and finally, i have decided on my new name. first and last. but i dont think i want to post it yet. i am going to gradually move into my new name and start introducing myself to new people with the name and then do all the legal changing by january to start the new year off as the new me. :-)

things are looking up. kinda.

mmhmm

so i figured i would post some pics since i havent. sunday was cool. me, lil sis, and my 2 adopted lil brothers from church took nyia to the beach. she was scared of the water so she just dug holes and ran around and sat and watched us play in the water. she wouldnt go near it at all! but she had a good time playing. so did i. it was a good outing for me. the last day of summer on the beach :-) i didnt feel sad nor anxious about anything, i just lived in that moment.

i dont have pics of myself because i looked a hot mess from trying to drag her around

i was reading over some of my previous post and realized i said a few times that "i dont want people to think i am crazy"

my main problem is that i worry too much about other people, what they think, what they want, what they would do, so on and so on. i am now realizing that i dont want to talk to people AT ALL because then i dont have to worry about other people if i dont associate with other people. i just told lil sis last night that i dont want any friends, especially not here. i like just being with myself and my family. too many people bring too many problems and distractions and i am not ready for people to hurt me again.

the day my mom came to pick me up from maryland, some then friends said to me "well you know that reality + expectations=dissapointment" and i thought, maybe if i were expecting you to buy me ice cream and you didnt, but i fully expect my friends to go above and beyond if i am dying. that is an out of the ordinary situation. but some people just dont want to be bothered, and i guess thats ok with them. so if i dont have friends, i dont have that simple ordinary required expectation of friendship during hard times that other friends dont understand (they base friendship on how many times you go to the club together or out to eat together) then i dont have to be disapointed when they choose to ignore me. i need ride or die friends...God please send them one day. well i do have like 2 already but they are considered my real sisters.

i have been doing a lot better with my schedule. i wrote up goal sheets for myself and posted them on my closet doors so i have to look at them every single day. maybe ill take a picture of them and post tomorrow. i still havent written anything. maybe this blog counts. but i have a chapter of a book to write so the author can get it published and i have the play to write. i just need to do it. ugh i feel like i say that every day and never get it done. soon. i have been bogged down with cleaning and organizing and stuff plus i havent been waking up early. at least not today that wasnt until 2pm.

trying to do better. and i have been doing better. the change in medication hasnt made me sleepy at all. we will see what the doctor says on friday. i have 7 days until my insurance goes out! better get all the anti-depressant perscriptions filled fast...

just a quick thought

you know what makes me so mad?



there are no depression get well cards or gifts. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!



like what is wrong with people? why dont they encourage us?



i know i am not the only person who notices this.



send a damn e card they are FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even the hallmark ones are free.



people are so CHEAP. i hate people. what is the cost of friendship? jesus went all the way and died to be my friend and people dont do anything for you. but claim to be like christ. i hate people.



lord forgive me.



the end.

increase.

working on this poem called increase.

says something like...

i prayed for increase.
im unemployed
uninsured
and unsure of my future
tired of the bill people calling me
and having no where to go for help
i prayed hard and hard and hard
i fasted for days
and i prayed
for increase
and i got increase
an increase in my dose of lexapro.

ha!

well im working on the poem. want it to sound fancy and all. so thats not the actual poem but some thoughts on how it should go. ill post it when i finally write it foreal.

and yes my therapist suggested my dose of lexapro go up since "my body is still so depressed" her words. should i be happy? my mom was a little silent when i told her how much my doctor decided to up it, she didnt think it would be that much. she told me a few weeks ago she knew i would be off the medicine soon.

i dont know what to think about it. its sad but i want to feel better so i have to take more meds i guess. not sure what to tell people. they will probably think im crazy...oh thats ok. ill be the craziest millionaire with no friends to share my wealth with in a few years. that sounds great! because nobody has tried to help me.

but one of my moms coworker gave me some money today!!! so i can go order my glasses tomorrow praise god becuase now i cant drive at night because i cant see far with out glasses. its really sad because i saw a really nice bag i want and cant buy it because im BROKE! and any money i get goes to what i need. i dont even have enough money to pay my bills. i need to at least keep my phone on. mom gave me some money for that and gas. and gas is it because it costs so much to put gas in the tank. dont think ill be driving anywhere for awhile.

oh. me and lil sis went to an open mic last night here. it was cool. very diverse. different from what i experienced in DC but nice. this old white man got on stage and read a couple of poems. i thought it was beautiful because he had to be in his 70s and he even brought his breathing machine with him and all i could think was....

i need to get up and WRITE every single day! here is this man in his 70s with an oxygen and breathing machine at the open mic and im laying in bed thinking about dying...i gotta get it together. hopefully since my meds are going up and i am finding more things to be motivated about i will start feeling a lot better.

i still dont like talking to people. and i still feel very negative about most realtionships in my life except a few.

one great thing about my dose increase is that its going to make me really sleepy for like a week or two....yes! i get to sleep all day and all night. but the nausea is something i am not looking forward to. oh and that risk of suicide with changes to the medication...

pray for me.
thanks.

oh depression.
ugh.

anger.

why am i so angry.

that is what i have to work on now.

i cried myself to sleep the other night for the first time in a long time. i started missing everything i lost. i cried so much i had to go let the dog in my room to sleep with me. i was scared.

well...

i am about to be not only unemployed, but also uninsured. as soon as the 30th of september hits. but hey there are so many people with out health insurance i guess ill make it. only problem is i have to stop my therapy sessions. ha. yeah. thanks.

which means i need to motivate myself to do better. to try to take on this task of freeing myself. it is about time i set my alarm clock to wake up in the mornings and actually get up and do some exercise and start my day with positive meditations or something. MAKE MYSELF WRITE. because i am a writer. and i have a million things to write. and i should do it while i have time.

i am getting better. but not all the way there.
a family member sent me a message saying they hope i am holding on and getting stronger and that they love me. i told them i am holding on. its down to a small thread, but im holding.

what i will release to the universe and God now is that there will be a day soon when i can say I AM BETTER. I AM STRONG. and I am finally free from despondency.

that will be a beautiful day....

this is supposed to be real.

this is supposed to be real but...

i think i will not write for a few days.

mostly because my thoughts have not been postive. and why write non positive stuff? i guess i am supposed to. isnt that the point of this blog. wow i just thought

"i dont want people to think i am crazy"

see how this works. ugh. well. havent been doing well at all. had some positive energy this weekend by spending time with little sis and the rest of the family, went to church and clapped so hard my hands still hurt, cooked sunday dinner (jerk chicken, rice, yams with pinapples, cabbage, green beans, apple pie, rolls) for 5 people.

but i also kept having these major anxiety attacks that scared the mess out of me.

and i hate this because i keep feeling bad about how crazy everything gets. its like a hurricane inside of me. and i know how it can make people feel. i know my mom probably cries sometimes.

so lately i have been feeling like i dont need friends. because i think eventually they will leave me like the others did. eventually they will grow tired of my depressed state and stop calling emailing or texting. and now that i live at home with my mom i seriously doubt any of them are going to come visit. so, i dont think ill need other people in my life. i have my family members here, in atlanta, texas and st. louis.

oh what is all this i am saying i am sure i will feel better next week...yuck.

i need to write something from my list of projects. still havent started or picked up anything.
i need to apply to more jobs.
i need to get better.

this is real.

i just want to be normal.

friday was the worst.

i shut the blinds. i missed my eye exam appointment. i lay in bed all day. in the dark. angry. upset. confused. frustrated. anxious. there was the negativity hovering over my bed the entire day. i hated myself. i hated my friends. i hated my family. i hated everything and everyone because i thought everybody hated me.

then my mom came home from work and came in the room and pulled my legs and tried to drag me out of bed. but i told her to leave and get out of my room.

finally i got up. and then i ate dinner. then i started cleaning the house and i felt a lot better.

i felt bad because something is wrong with me. i hate depression. like why does this happen? it makes me sick and disgusted that i can be so low and then slowly come back to "normal" or whatever normal for me has become the past few weeks.

even today i had the worst anxiety attack in the middle of the craft store. it gave me a headache and i couldnt breathe. and i was so upset. and i kept telling my mom sorry and thank you and i love you because it made me upset and i know that it hurts her that i get this way sometimes. maybe i need more medication. i think i will call the doctor. this sucks.

other than that this weekend is family weekend and ill write about that tomorrow.

grandma said...

she said she called the light company and asked them not to turn off her electricity because she is on oxygen...

i dont know why i started with that, i guess because of my financial rant last night that carried over into today. i wish i could help my family. one day i will.

i am taking donations for my new glasses....thanks for donating...

i went to therapy late today. felt a little better afterwards. cooked dinner. walked the dog at the park. went to the arts and craft store. starting to work on a new collage painting. ill put a pic up when i finish. it is my aspire piece with all of the women i want to be like...

they are:
jill scott, alicia keys, erykah badu, bell hooks, ntozake shange, angela davis, and toni cade bambara.

why???

they are strong. bold. honest. beautiful. amazing writers. healers. connectors. educators. activists.

the list goes on and on...i want what each of them have wrapped up in a package big enough to fill me up.

i dont really feel like writing. i am going to go read one of these books on my nightstand.

i have a wishlist on amazon of 50 books i want. so if anybody ever wants to give me a "get well from depression" present, just ask me which book you can buy me or you can give me some money. thanks.

it was a so-so day. not fantastic but not sucidical.

i did want to kill myself last night. but i guess im over it.

my glasses.

the dog ate my glasses.

well she broke them by chewing them up.

so what am i supposed to do with no job?!

i find it interesting because my therapist suggested that i continue to relax for the rest of september and some of my friends and family have suggested the same thing. they say:

"oh why are you so pressed looking for a job, i think you should relax a few more weeks" and then i say well i have bills to pay. and they say NOTHING.

but really my question for them is, who is going to pay my bills? are you?! who is going to buy me a new pair of glasses? are you?! i think that because i live with my mom, most people think that i am taken care of. well my mom has to pay her bills, her mortgage, and she also pays for my grandmas bills and then i get what i can get at the end of the day. i didnt come from a rich family so i cant just go around and ask them.

i guess this is all my fault right?

finances are another big thing that causes people to be depressed. not so much me though. i am upset at my situation and i know there is some kind of way out while i am waiting to hear back from the million jobs i applied to, maybe a bake sale....

ugh.
im angry.

progress.

i made progress today!

like i said i would do, i woke up and made up the bed...then i ended up cleaning and vacuuming my whole room and cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor. did a lot. i didnt get dressed like i thought i would but that was ok because i still did a lot.

when i finished i ate some lunch and read a home design magazine. i am really into interor design, i really always have been but now i am interested in furniture pieces that are flexible and functional. like nightstands with a lot of cubby holes, built in shelving, etc. i cannot wait until i move into my house that I get to design. that will be awhile from now but it is still nice to dream...

i cooked dinner, took nyia on an hour walk, and YES i started the page a day commitment. i wrote my first page about freedom. (insert applause). i did a lot today. i also thought about my play and a couple of scenes and things came to mind i just need to sit down and write it all out. its going to be hot.

i was sitting here reading online about sister Ntozake Shange, a strong black woman!!! a pioneer...i love her and her works....so anyway, i was reading that she had been a sufferer of depression and had many suicidal attempts when she was in college, after she graduated, she changed her name to Ntozake from Paulette to mark her "new life"....

and after reading this i thought....Ooooooh, i want to change my name. how amazing would that be. i am trying to figure out what my name would be if i changed it. obviously it would have to be something beautiful and meaningful. i want to be proud when i hear my name. now sometimes i cringe at my name. yes i like it. its my name. but i often think about my last name and how i really dont care to have it, it is my fathers. he has improved in my life, but what legacy do i want to carry in his name? and i didnt really think about it until i took my dog to the emergency room and they wrote nyia and her last name as my last name and i wanted to tell the nurse, NO thats not her last name. and that is just a dog! imagine if it were a child...

but anyway Ntozake Shange is a wonderful woman. shes so beautiful and smart! a writer, playwriter, poet, professor, speaker, actress, activist. i want to be all those things. as black women who have experienced depression, we have a similar start, i wish to now follow in her footsteps. i want to be orange. i want to be beautiful. i want to be esteemed. i want to be expansive. i want to share my life. my words. me. with the world. i am ntozake. i am strong.

the name change may happen soon...we shall see. i do have a name in mind.

i was also able to have some time talking with close family on the phone. that always reminds me of happiness. one of my bestfriends who has been in my life for 13 years, she always reminds me unconsciously of how much we have grown, but also how much i am still the same spirit at heart. and i thought wow, she is one of few people who actually KNOWS me. i mean really gets me to the core. i am blessed to have her and her family in my family.

and i got to speak with some people over IMs and have been able to encourage people more. thats great...i realize how strong i am becoming and how i am much more able to be compassionate and sharing and wanting to intiate healing for people...

today was pretty good. lets pray that tomorrow is better.

its ok.

once again today i stayed in bed all day long. my mom ended up staying home from work too because she had migranes. i only got up to make breakfast and then went back to bed. i was very tired kind of like when i first started my medication.

i was supposed to go to the funeral of my moms friends husband. i thought that it would be an experience i needed to see because he had committed suicide and i was suicidal in the past. to see what it would have been like if i had died. but i guess God didnt think it would be good. maybe i would have had an emotional overload.

i started getting upset with myself because i thought i would be productive today (whatever productive means) but instead i ended up sleeping the day away. around 7pm we went to the library here to get cards and i thought, let me just enjoy this moment. IT IS OK i didnt get much done or I didnt do what i wanted to do. but at least i cooked mom breakfast, i took the dog for a quick walk before dark, and i mailed my grandma her late grandparents day card.

thats a lot!

Even just now I started feeling anxious thinking about the page a day commitment because i still havent started it. and i dont want to be relaxed about it, but i also dont want to make myself feel bad about it. i have to be realistic and know that most days i dont feel like doing anything and when i pressure myself to do too much i end up feeling worse than when i started.

i was on facingus.org and looked at a tip someone left. they said that they wake up in the morning and immediately make their bed and get dressed and that helps with their depression because they end up doing things around the house instead of moping around all day feeling bad. i think i will try that tomorrow.

i applied to a lot of government jobs today but i know that process takes some time. i also applied to some part time jobs at stores around the area. i think a part time job would be a good start.

i also sat down and wrote out a 2 year plan for myself with different goals so that i wont get so upset about my current situation and just be patient for things to fall in place and my life to move up. i am supposed to be back home for a reason. i am finding different things and places to go that i probably wouldnt have done had i not gone through depression...

everything for a reason. romans 8:28.

because i said i would write here everyday.

writing because i have a commitment. i have yet to write my first page of the page a day commitment. i wonder what constitutes a page? single spaced? double spaced? does it have to be sentences covering the entire page or small stanzas? hmmm...ill start tomorrow.

today was...
i stayed in bed all day. took awhile to fall asleep but then didnt wake up til 12. had a dream that included two of my past lovers. interesting dream. dont care to share. but it was a good dream. i am lucky to remain friends with some of the people i used to love...

when i woke up i felt bad. stayed in bed and allowed the depression snowball to begin. i found myself hating myself and hating everyone else. then i had to do these positive exercises. got tired of that and just wen tback to sleep. mom woke me up to eat something and i continued laying in bed unti it was time to leave for my audition. the audition went very well i am sure i got the part i auditioned for. we wont know for another 3 weeks though. the play will open in january and run the entire month of february. that makes me wonder because the previous project i am involved in in DC will probably do shows for black history month so i dont know....i guess ill pray about it and see if i am offered the part....

ill leave with a quote from the book i am reading by Dr. Singleton called "Broken Silence"

"Pain is backed up energy with no release. It feeds on itself and signals that something needs attention. Pain wont go away until you attend to it"

think on that...maybe ill expand on pain next time i write.

page a day challenge.

i am writing this post for rememberance.

a friend/cousin of mine just challenged me to write a page a day for a book. he is going to do it as well. he/i encourage all writers to do it. you write a page a day and stop when you feel like you have all you need.

i am going to write about freedom.
who knows what will come out on the page but it will be centered around freedom.
lets see what happens.

might be a bestseller.
**fingers crossed**

one more thing to write in addition to the growing list of projects. guess this means i should plug my alarm clock back in the wall and set it to wake up early to start my day. anxiety boils when thinking of alarm clocks. my therapist makes me say: I am fully capable of functioning on schedules. I just dont know if i want to go back to that life i used to live...tight schedule overload etc. your black superwoman at age 23.

nightnight. almost 1am. i have an audition tomorrow/today. blow me blessings across the sky ;-)

yuck.

i had a few memories today of times that were yucky this summer concerning my "friends" and my depression.

1. there was a guy who used to be a friend who brought me a stress book. when i bumped into him at church weeks after my major explosion and sucidical week, he asked me if i had been reading the book. WOW. he didnt ask me how i had been doing but had i been reading. NEWSFLASH i am depressed i dont want to read, in fact i am sometimes so uninterested in life that i will stay in bed for days with out showering and wont leave the house nor watch tv. just lay.

2. i remember talking to a friend who was trying to cheer me up. i told her that i tried to be happy sometimes but it didnt work. she replied with,

"What do you mean you TRY to be happy? i mean you should be happy look how young you are with your masters degree and all these things you have and places you have been...etc."

WOW. she told me to SNAP OUT OF IT. if i could trust me i would have a long time ago. when you tell a depressed person stuff like that, you only make it worse for them because then they starting feeling even more bad about themselves because they are sad and cant get themselves out of it. WELL OF COURSE NOT, DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS. you cant just fix it in one day.

this is why education and awareness is so important. i hate ignorant people.

AND ON THE TOPIC OF HATE....

because i lost friends since i said i hated everyone when i was suicidal and people took it personal. that doesnt make sense. if you are smart you can develop this equation, if i wanted to kill myself i probably hated myself so then if i hated myself then it made sense for me to hate the world so you shouldnt take it personal.

but people are so dumb nowdays and they claim to be smart all up in grad school and stuff...

on the topic of grad school...

i finally know what i really want to do with my life. i just have to figure out when i will go back to school for this last degree. do i want to start next fall or wait until fall 2010? i am thinking 2010, there is so much anxiety rising in my chest right now thinking about apply to school right now. it is easy but will take time. also this time i have a list of 4 schools that are all over the place. i have finally decided to not think about other people in making decisions about where i go in the future. i used to make decisions thinking, oh but i need to be close to these friends and these people. BUT those people never thought about me in making their decisions. i am making progress in letting go of what people think about me and trying to please people so much because they are NOT in charge!!!!! I AM IN CHARGE OF ME.

exercise:

this has been working for me. think about times when you were/are very happy and ask youself why you were happy and then look at how you can apply those reasons to your life right now and your future. i know that in the past i have been happy because i was surrounded by people who REALLY cared about me, and i was doing the things i loved to do from my heart not the things that people thought i should do...

eighty four thousand.

so the labor department released this figure yesterday.

84,000 jobs cut in the month of august.

which means there are at least 90,000 more depressed people in the united states.

who is doing something about this?!?!?!?!?!

i think if mccain and palin make it into the white house then there will be millions more of depressed people in the united states. depressed and dead.

please vote for obama.

ugh!!!!! all this makes me upset.

i was looking online at the depression and bipolar support alliance website and learned about rebecca cutler. she was a journalist who eventually committed suicide due to her depression and bipolar illness. but what sparked my attention was that her parents served her last wish to put on a fundraising gala each year to raise money for mental illness awareness...wow! i think i might try to go but it is in chicago in novemeber and i dont know if my schedule will permit...still i will make a donation. it is soooo important!!!!!

to find out more about rebecca cutler and the gala: http://www.rebeccacutlerfoundation.org/

and for more info on depression and bipolar support go to: http://www.dbsalliance.org/

9 movements

i wrote this at 230am. its raw.... i offer no disclaimer/explaination/apology. i am past that stage. my words are my words. please comment in colorful ways....

i call it /9 movements/

1.
The skies are dark.
Always dark.
I am twisted into a sentence of…
Nothingness.
I am nothing.
Nothing or not enough.

2.
Who are you?
And why are you watching me?
Who are you to not watch me?
Who are you?
Why aren’t you here?

3.
The lights are bright.
Those round lightbulbs over the bathroom sink
They are always too bright.
Show too much.
Walls lined in streaks of red
Blood bubbles over my palms
traps under the fingertips
9 empty tubes of red lipstick
surround me on the floor
I tried to make myself pretty
For you
Used up just about every single tube
But got tired and
Decided to cut my wrists instead.

4.
They say I’m depressed.
I am tired of walking on streets that
Don’t exist.
I am tired of loving people
Who never knew love.
Where are the grapes
That grew in grandmas garden?

5.
You are going to be famous.
She’s five years old
She is going to be a doctor!
A pediatrician!
The surgeon general!
She wants to be a whore.
She is a whore.
She is a whore.
She is a lost soul translated
Into whore 25 years old.

6.
Stop fixing my hair.
I hate when you do that.
So what I don’t have a perm
I don’t want one.
I think I am still beautiful.
Shit.
Where did these tears come from.
I have cried for 40 days straight
Like rains in that flood in the bible story
But I have no boat to save me.

7.
This must be it.
The final call.
I do not think
I can bleed anymore.
How do you say goodbye
In another language.
Adios
Au revior.
I NEVER wanted to live with any of you in the first place
YOU ALL INVADED MY LIFE
You colonized me
Personal imperialism
You USED me, my family and my home
Because yours was inadequate to serve you!
You USED me and my body
Because yours needed a release.
And this is what I get?
An empty bottle of Tropicana orange soda
And chips.
I am a field of nothingness.
Nothing.Not enough
But maybe you are too.

8.
Good bye to every bitch that
Smile in my face.
Including you.

9.
Waking to sunlight through blinds.
I didn’t make it.
I did.
This room.
These walls.
This bed.
IV in arm.
They poke and prod.
They tell me I’m depressed.
I already knew that shit.
Who is going to fix it?

gaining focus.

i am once again tired and dont want to write. that seems to be the story of my life. there are so many things i am supposed to be writing...a play, a program for kids i am about to start volunteering with, articles for publication in scholarly journals (since i am a scholar), cover letters for jobs, finalizing my poetry book, and this blog. ugh...but i never want to write.

still i am gaining focus.

today i went to the public library in the city i grew up in because the library in the city i currently live in has all these ridiculous rules and hours and stuff that made me extremely angry, thus i am currently developing my speech and letter to the city and the head of the library system. they will change what is going on now and i am calling the channel 10 news because channel 10 goes everywhere to solve problems. they say that they want avid readers but they do not offer an environment for people to want to read...once all that goes down i will let you know the outcome. i drove by an empty building in the historic downtown area. i would LOVE to open a bookstore there where people can come and just read book and relax and become AVID READERS. bookstore/community library. im working on it...hmm a proposal is just ONE MORE thing to have to write...lol this might take a couple of weeks. pray for me and my focus and drive to want to write!

but like i said i am gaining focus because today i went to the library and checked out some books on african american plays, how to write a play, and books on black depression. i am using these all as resources for my play i am working on because i have never written a play before and i want to make sure everything is complete and professional at the end of the day. plus i also want to do more research on depression and other peoples experiences with depression so that i make sure i touch on all kinds of issues in my production.

that makes me HAVE TO focus with all these books on my nightstand.

i have started reading this book "Broken Silence: Opening your heart and mind to therapy, a black womans recovery guide" by Dr. D Kim Singleton. I accidently *nothing is accidental obviously God wanted me to see the book for some reason* bumped into the book while trying to find another book i was looking for. so far the book has been good. The Dr discusses her experiences with 8 Black women she had as clients in therapy. I would recommend this book to Black women who are going through mental issues/illness and others who want to understand therapy and experiences of black women.

today was a good day. me and mom went out to eat at jasons deli which is a great sandwich place i also recommend to others lol i also finished unpacking and organzing my room. i have designed it and decorated and it is so nice and beautiful and comfortable i dont want to move out. mom said if she gets married next year i can have her house then i wouldnt have to move...that would be great! i didnt feel sad today much or even at all. probably because i was doing so many things trying to get the house together. it has been raining alot. they say that tomorrow will be the worst because of hurricane or tropical storm hannah is going to be headed our way...nothing new i grew up with hurricanes and tornadoes...

shining bright?

i am tired and dont want to write. but after reading and learning about another sisters commitment to writing every day as a part of her own healing process, i must write. i feel like i have to make the commitment as well. thanks for that encouraging push through your own healing process....

maybe i am really tired because of the benadryl. recently i have been dealing with these sneeze attacks. probably because of dust and dog hair. i have been cleaning up the house, unpacking my things, organizing the garage and so on. i am now my mothers housewife lol because i do all these things all day and then cook dinner around 3 so it is ready by the time she gets home...it is the least i can do for her letting me live with her during this healing process. i know she is my mother, but there are so many mothers around the world who are not there for their children. i dont take it for granted. and i also live with 2 pit bulls. a 9 year old, baby ruth, and my 6 month old puppy, nyia, who is sick right now :-( i have to give her 5 pills a day for her illness. i am rambling now let me write what i came to write lol

so as i wrote a couple of posts ago, i was able to meet with one of my collegues to talk about our experiences with depression. the meeting didnt start out like that. he just called and told me he had moved into a new condo and he would love if i came over to visit and we could catch up. but then he knew some way what was going on and so when i got to his house he asked me all types of questions about what i had been going through and then he told me about his process. i cant talk about every single thing we discussed but there are 2 things that really made me think.

1. he told me that he doesnt hold back from talking about being depressed. he said, "i talk about being depressed like it is a headache. somebody says to me, man you dont look good are you ok do you have a headache? and i tell them, no i am just depressed. like really depressed, been that way for the past couple of months"

and i was like wow ok. because the way he talked about it held no guilt or fear or anything. it was just hey, these are the facts, this is real life what i am going through right now i am depressed. he said it made no sense holding that fact back from people. and i agree or else i wouldnt have this blog. i know understand how important it is to openly state you are depressed and share with certain people your healing process and what you are going through because you never know who you might help along the way. i also think that by continuing to say "i am depressed" even as your healing gets better, you not only empower yourself but you empower others because they look at your progress like, WOW can you believe it? she is depressed and look at the progress she has made, she wanted to kill herself and now she is shining bright! amazing.

2. he also started talking about the people in his life and the mask he has to wear. he told me that he has different friends and women he dates who identify with different parts of him. there are the people who like him because he is an artist. people who like him because he is an intellectual. people who like him because he is pro black. people who like him for the black fraternity he belongs to. people who like him because of all these different categories that make up who he is and he always overcompensates in those areas when he is with those people. so i asked him if he had anyone in his life who he could be ALL of himself with. each part whole. and sadly he said outside of his family, no. he even went as far to say that he didnt think some people would even accept him whole. which surprised me because as a whole person he is amazing! (ok maybe it didnt surprise me that much. i realize that when you are depressed you think negatively about everything sometimes. most times. all the time. lol)

i just nodded my head and we sat silent. then at the same time we started to talk. and we found that we both felt that the fact he had few people he could be his whole self with probably had a major part in his depression.

but can we all really think about each part of our lives and see if we have someone who we can be our whole self with? It is important to have people who dont just accept but APPRECIATE every color we shine. the entire prism. but unfortunately we have people in our lives who only admire or identify with one color in our lives and that leaves us having to do more and wear masks so that we can please people afraid that if they were to see our entire rainbow, they might leave us alone. Well I made the decision that night to make sure I surround myself with people who not only love the rainbow that shines in my spirit but those who also have beautiful rainbows shining bright so that we might reflect one another. sadly he settled for his current situation and it made me even more upset for him because he really is a great guy with all colors as one rainbow...

make that your decision today. look at your colors, your rainbow and then the people in your lives. dont cling to those who only accept you but those who appreciate who you are in their lives and who you are to the world...

that has been a fundamental part of my healing thus far.


thats it for tonight time for sleep.

OH, YOU BETTER REGISTER TO VOTE. i wont tell you who to vote for....naw i will. OBAMA 08. thanks. get others to register to vote. take them to the voter registration office. this is serious!!!!!!

---and on the topic of politics, i have found myself becoming more and more passionate and outspoken about certain things. but i will write about that tomorrow.

are you done?

i hate being depressed.

mainly because people are ready for you to be DONE with it.

they are tired of walking on egg shells.
they are tired of you crying.
they are tired of you not being the person you used to be.
they are tired of always asking you how you are doing and you not asking them how they are doing.
they want to deny you are depressed and do all this overly positive talk like: "you are NOT depressed, you are coming out of a hard time"

hmmm....

yeah right.

the other day my mom told me, "i think you are doing fine and you have come away from that place"

i was silent. bent my head down and continued eating my food. she noticed my silence and asked me "well what do you think?"

and i said...

I AM NOT DONE YET. I AM STILL GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS. I AM DEPRESSED.

when i am finished i will kindly send out text messages and email with exclaimation points and plan a big party to celebrate no more depression. but as for now i will continue to have up and down down down times and continue to go to therapy and continue to take these pills through fall, through the winter maybe the spring as the doctors have said...

its a process.
it doesnt finish up overnight.

i still got deep issues i will have to confront that i know i am not ready to deal with...

being a good christian.

being a good christian is not always easy. especially when you are depressed. ha.

which is why i will miss my church back in maryland because Pastor Battle keeps it real no matter what.

Recently he has embarked on a 6 part series called "Stuck" which addresses emotional wellness and healing. This has been an amazing series so far. This past sunday he was on part 3. When he began he told us that we are made up of 3 parts: body, soul, spirit. This is in the scriptures. God wants us to be whole in each area but unfortunately we usually end up 2/3 whole. this is because we tend to develop our bodies by eating healthy and exercising, and developing our spirit by going to church, reading our bibles, bible study and so on, but we usually fail to develop and address the issues of our souls. which takes time and personal commitment. he said that it is so hard because the world says "get over it" and the church says: "just pray" or "you are too blessed to be stressed" when the issues of our emotional wellness need to be addressed outside of spiritual jargon etc.

wow.

so far the series has been sooooo great and has definitely help me grow spiritually as well as work with my soul issues and my depression.

you can watch the messages online at: http://www.zionchurchonline.com/sermons.php then click on the weekly sermon picture. i would suggest starting with stuck pt. 1 and then moving up to the next part. they are updated online each wednesday.

So, being a good christian can be hard. and Pastor Battle says he thinks Christians have the most emotional problems than anyone else because we dont know how to deal with our issues since we find ourselves tied to being "spiritual" but he gave an example of David in the bible and how the entire book of Psalms shows David going through his depression and issues, at one point he asked God to kill people and the next he was praising...look at that. it is normal to feel all kinds of ways...

Recently in lieu of the hurricanes, a friend of mine called and told me about one of the people who turned their back on me and how he was upset about the storm and didnt want to lose his things although his family had evacuated safely. she asked me to pray for him and to call him if i wanted to. i got extremely angry. i told her that i guess i had to pray for him since i was a christian but that i didnt want to talk about it with her anymore. she continued to tell me he cried and so i told her i cried many nights when i wanted to kill myself and when my so called friends left me.

i was angry because i felt like she did not have a right to call me and put that burden on me. he is no longer my responsiblity to care for. now i do not turn my back on people but here is the thing, it has been 2 months since i had my major episode and people left me, and this particular person still has NOT called me to check on me, to see if i was still alive or what, he never called and apologized for leaving me outside by myself after yelling at me knowing full well i could have just jumped in my car and drove off a bridge and when he let all that time go by with out a phone call, he let me know that i am no longer responsible for him. now, as a good christian, i did pray for him and all the families affected by the hurricanes. and i also had to ask God for forgiveness because i was so angry.

but what i have learned is that being a good christian has nothing to do with what you might think it does. being a good christian means being honest with yourself and God. yes you can get angry and you can punch a hole in the wall, you might just cuss somebody out, you might run off , you might do a number of things, but being a good christian means you have to go to God for forgiveness and ask him how you can deal with whatever issues you might have because he loves us all and he does not have any qualms with how we might respond he just wants us to live our lives better that we are and more like Christ.

So i didnt feel bad about being upset. i didnt feel bad about washing my hands, because at this point in my life, the people who dont want to be in my life dont have to be and i cant sit around and wait on them, i have to live my life. so i ask God to forgive me when i am angry and to help me and i keep it moving....

it is about surivial.
and i know somebody in this world feels me right now...

so much.

this past weekend i moved all of my things in a budget truck out of my apartment in Maryland and down to my mothers house in Virginia. What an arduous task. But we got it done. Me and Moms and the help of my sister and future brother in law as well as some of the kids in the neighborhood. I was able to give one of the little girls my desk and chair and one of the boys my legos (yes i am 23 and was playing with legos a few months ago. i like to build things)

So anyway...what a relief and joy to get away and start new. I was sad that i was leaving the DC area. Mostly because I have fallen in love with so many places that i have secretly named my own spots and I know i wont find anything or any place like it anywhere else. second because one of my close friends has been coming down back and forth from new york and i love being around him because he makes me happy and laugh and smile and just have fun and feel carefree which is what i need as i am going through the healing process. i wanted to be around with him/for him but ill be down here. he says he will come visit. hopefully. we spent a lot of time before i left DC and we usually talk every week almost every day but yeah...my heart beats.

to think about him i would say that we had some tough times. and we used to be together. used to want to be together forever. and i said some horrible things to him, which i still carry around guilty of sometimes and although he did break up with me in february, as i am going through my depression he has been there for me the entire time. more than most people in my life which is amazing considering some of the things people said about him in the past but hey...i cannot do anything about the past. i am living today and when tomorrow comes i will live in that moment.

that is pretty much how i am living life now by that mantra...

i cant do anything about the past. it is the PAST.
i cant do anything about the future. it is not here yet.
but i can live in today. i can live today to the last drop. i can roll around in the last few seconds as though i am licking the plate of today. dig deep and enjoy each moment i have today.

and when i tell myself that, it is so much easier to be stress free. so much easier not to let myself roll down the slippery slope that any small thing can become under the weight of depression.

so today my mom came home and told me that one of her friends husband committed suicide early in the morning.

and to be honest with you, the first thought that came to my mind was, "why didnt i succeed? why am i still alive? how come i didnt die?"

wow. can i be honest and admit those things and not have somebody allow me to be honest? most people would be upset and go on and on about how i shouldnt say things like that. but i need to breathe.

thats what i thought. as painful as it sounds. and i do know why i didnt succeed, it is because God wants me to live. because he is not finished with me yet. becuase there are thousands of things for me to still do on earth. millions of lives for me touch. i have work to do.

but i dont want to get caught up in spiritual jargon and not address my feelings. it would be easy for me to say, "well God didnt want me to die so let me just stop thinking about it" even though deep inside i would still be wonder and the feelings might grow into something dangerous. i want to address it with my therapist now. why do i still wonder about my death? why does suicide often linger in the back of my mind. aside from putting it on satan, why?