been awhile.

well its been a minute since ive wrote. i know i am doing the creative everyday thing but unfortunately i have a hand that is out of commission and i dont really have money to get a few things i need in order to do some of the projects i had on my list...

i am going to finish my collage and craft cabinent.

seems like now i am holding on by a thread again.
why does life seem to threaten me?
i find myself holding on tight
fighting suicide daily.
this is my reality.

well i havent been doing much but going to work and hanging with lil sis. i threw my moms 50th birthday party last weekend which took a lot of planning time and money that i could have now but hey it was a fun night for her.

on the topic of money...a nameless person and i were on the phone and they asked me how my process went at social services this week because i went to apply for medicaid and i told them i needed to turn in some more paperwork and they said, "well good i bet you feel a lot better now" and i replied, "well im still broke as a joke." they wanted to go on and on talking about how i am not broke and i have everything i need and i was like no i dont. i dont have enough money to pay my bills every month my credit is shot i am so behind. and they go..."what bills do you have i mean come on all you have is your student loans and you dont have to pay those yet." ok so then they keep going on and want to ask me what my minimum payments are and what bills i have and i wanted to jump through the phone and strangle their ass because they dont need to ask me questions about my bills unless they are going to help me pay them. i hate people. just dumb asking me questions for what? i hate people who talk about how much money they make nad what they have and what they are doing all the damn time but they havent helped me knowing full well i havent had a job since march and now i just started working a part time job. well i knwo people think i live with my mom now so i dont have anything to worry about but in the midst of my depression and trying to kill myself my mom was frazzled was helping me, giving me money, dealing iwht therapy costs and medication and GUESS WHAT???

motherfuckers want to foreclose on our house because we are broke as a damn joke trying to deal with all this stuff oh its kinda like all my fault but hey this is why you say well maybe if i would have killed myself back when i first was trying to things would be ok?

I HATE PEOPLE HARD.

do you know that this whole sitation does not make sense!!!! YES TIMES ARE HARD. but i know people who are really balling at if not balling they are making it with surplus. i have talked about cards and all and i know people who havent even send that much. ugh i am sorry but i just hate the world today because i am so upset.

look at me.
23 doing nothing.
2 degrees and struggling.
doing nothing at all.
struggling on my own.
trying to hold my own.
fighting depression and suicide daily.
holding on by a thread.
broken heart.
negative 1,000 point self esteem.
i need therapy.
really i need
a transplant.
a heart transplant.
a soul transplant.
a life transplant.

but if i died would i really come back to life?
i used to always think this...and would i go to hell?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love it!!!

another ugh.

i am embarassed by my holes
the void
my emotional deficiencies
my inability
what i lack
embarassed by my posture
sinking so low
my low self esteem
or NO self esteem
what happened to the confident brown skin lady with the fro?
the one who was in the mix of everything
she is gone.
how does she come back?
i am tired of running from everything. everyone. myself.
i want to stop.

I can’t do this
I’m too bent out of shape to keep pushin
They keep asking me to give
But how can I lend what I don’t own?
Emotionally void
I am a misfit
A portion of the world that does not exist
A mere myth
I do not exist
I play not secondary
But nothing string
I watch the music begin and the actors glide across stage
And I sigh.
I hate theatre.
I hate life.
i hate myself.
i hate everything and everyone.

i am so tired of being sad and being jacked up and being tired.

this boy.

there is this boy...

hes tall. i like tall guys.

hes slim, nice lil athletic build...i like that.

hes nice. plus.

he gives foot massages. yes!

he is a poet/rapper...yummy cuz he loves words...

he is a sagitarius! perfect fire sign compatibility...

BUT...

he is also like 4 years younger. lol.

AND...

Its too risky so I sit back with my shades and my hoodie pulled low
When scents and sweat and feelings mix the outcome is dense
So I stay far even though the magnet in my chest pulls toward him

we could be a poem intermixed. but i cant do it. its too risky.

too personal. i crush hard. i like hard. i love hard.

and i dont want to get close.tight.involved.hurt.

figured out my to do list.

ok so for the art everyday november joint....

here is my 2 do list. it might be too much seeing as how i work and my left hand is limited the next few weeks but ill try...

1. lady in orange painting
2. quilt and pillow set for sis
3. success painting for other sis
4. women collage painting
5. new dresser
6. write 5 poems
7. write 3 prose pieces

because i figure writing is art too...

lets see how this comes out. i will post each when they are complete. i think this week i will start with the women collage painting...