this should be a good kind of therapy...
the art everyday challenge in november...click on the pic in the cormer for more info...
i have 3 paintings to do
and a quilt/pillow set
hope to get it all done with this challenge!
plus want to paint the rest of the walls in my room...
feeling a little better only problem is, this is going to be a little more challenging since i have a broken finger and limited use of my left handfor the next few weeks... :-/ i will find a way because i cant wait to work on my quilt!!!!!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
very sad.
i am very sad.
not only am i in a lot of pain, but my dog of 10 years went away today to get put to sleep.
why do i keep experiencing loss? pain? hurt? sadness? depression?
i just dont know.
not only am i in a lot of pain, but my dog of 10 years went away today to get put to sleep.
why do i keep experiencing loss? pain? hurt? sadness? depression?
i just dont know.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
life sucks
so i got attacked and in the process my finger broke and my hand was all bloody so since that means more infection i had to get 2 shots and one was a huge one in my butt and take like 3 pills and get my hand wrapped up and a splint and in all this pain and they said oh we dont know if the doctor will give you an excuse for work tomorrow. he doesnt have to. i wanted to snatch the sheet away and say dont you see that i am on anti-depressants dumb ass although i can still walk i am mentally jacked up right now about what happened i have blood all over the floors and on the walls and you think i can just keep it moving?
i think a normal person would want to sit down and get their mind right.
so no work for me tomorrow.
and it would be my left hand so i cant even write.
it just took me forever to type this damn post.
UGH!!!!
if i havent been joining in the suffering of jesus christ i dont know what ive been doing. just about this whole year has been painful...
i think a normal person would want to sit down and get their mind right.
so no work for me tomorrow.
and it would be my left hand so i cant even write.
it just took me forever to type this damn post.
UGH!!!!
if i havent been joining in the suffering of jesus christ i dont know what ive been doing. just about this whole year has been painful...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
fear.
things been going well.
is that why im scared?
well two things...
1. friends
i was watching season 2 dvd of girlfriends and this is when joan and toni stopped being friends but then toni got saved at the church it was a nice scene, yes i cried when i watched it lol but it made me think about all the people who are no longer in my life, and i wonder if one day we will be friends again? it doesnt make sense to me. i mean i dont think so. i am fine right now. i have my FAMILY and dont really need anybody else. i am FEARFUL of adding to my life because maybe for every 2 people i add, 1 is going to hurt me, or maybe out of every 2 people, 2 people will hurt me, use me, view me with jealous eyes, take from me, leave me...
i am afraid to have friends because i do not want that pain again.
and even sometimes with some people in my life i dont even want to try anymore because it doesnt make sense. friendship doesnt make sense to me anymore. these are real words. i dont know how to explain it because it is 3am i am still trying to understand it myself...
2. significant others
chilling with lil sis in her dorm about once a week and i have met some cool college kids lol no really like some cool people who make me wish i was in college right now, but anyway....hehehe so if i WERE in college there are some nice young men i could date BUT i am not going to jail. i will post a convo me and sis and her friend had in the car about that...so anyway a lot of them are talking about relationships and i am thinking GOSH yall just graduated high school, the people you are with now you might not be with by the time you graduate college and the ways you act you probably wont act by the time you graduate college. but it just made me think about relationships. then one of my family members out in the midwest who i love with all my heart told me over the phone about somebody we went to college with who recently got engaged and i was like wow look everybody is getting married, engaged, having kids, buying houses...i am not ready for that...i dont want the pressure to do so...
then one of my ex's called me and wants to come over to have dinner with me and my mom because he "loves my mom so much and her food" but really, i think its because he broke up with the girl he was with lol and he is trying to slide back in. ugh. you know i have always been a mans best, but they have never been mine. wow...where is my husband? lol not to get married quick but to build that solid foundation with...
so in the course of all this...i havent really had anytime to think about a man because that is not anywhere in my life. but i started missing my skateboarding artist real hard...he was...maybe the best so far...started thinking about his granite countertops and wood floors. his paintings all over the house. our puppies. and then our family split apart lol but like most of the men i have dated, he refuses to deal with his real issues and all that stuff so it wouldnt work anyway...oh well...
i want to meet this man who understands where im coming from because he is there too...when my students call me 3 in the morning about something crazy that popped off and we gotta march for freedom, hes not covering his head with the pillow and getting an attitude talkin bout "you always giving yourself to everybody else but what about me?" but a man who by the time i get off the phone is standing at the door dressed in all black like, "come on babe, we signed up for this at birth, if not us then who to change the world???"
fly...right? a reflection is what i want. reflection of peace. of God. of love.
but thats scary...and i dont know if i will ever be ready for that foreal.
but i guess, no, I KNOW that God knows when we are ready for EVERYTHING in life.
so even though i have all this fear about friendships and relationships and just letting people in my life after everything that has happened, i just have to trust God...
***got a LOT of stuff to write about but i am lazy and dont write. and i call myself a writer....mmmhmm
is that why im scared?
well two things...
1. friends
i was watching season 2 dvd of girlfriends and this is when joan and toni stopped being friends but then toni got saved at the church it was a nice scene, yes i cried when i watched it lol but it made me think about all the people who are no longer in my life, and i wonder if one day we will be friends again? it doesnt make sense to me. i mean i dont think so. i am fine right now. i have my FAMILY and dont really need anybody else. i am FEARFUL of adding to my life because maybe for every 2 people i add, 1 is going to hurt me, or maybe out of every 2 people, 2 people will hurt me, use me, view me with jealous eyes, take from me, leave me...
i am afraid to have friends because i do not want that pain again.
and even sometimes with some people in my life i dont even want to try anymore because it doesnt make sense. friendship doesnt make sense to me anymore. these are real words. i dont know how to explain it because it is 3am i am still trying to understand it myself...
2. significant others
chilling with lil sis in her dorm about once a week and i have met some cool college kids lol no really like some cool people who make me wish i was in college right now, but anyway....hehehe so if i WERE in college there are some nice young men i could date BUT i am not going to jail. i will post a convo me and sis and her friend had in the car about that...so anyway a lot of them are talking about relationships and i am thinking GOSH yall just graduated high school, the people you are with now you might not be with by the time you graduate college and the ways you act you probably wont act by the time you graduate college. but it just made me think about relationships. then one of my family members out in the midwest who i love with all my heart told me over the phone about somebody we went to college with who recently got engaged and i was like wow look everybody is getting married, engaged, having kids, buying houses...i am not ready for that...i dont want the pressure to do so...
then one of my ex's called me and wants to come over to have dinner with me and my mom because he "loves my mom so much and her food" but really, i think its because he broke up with the girl he was with lol and he is trying to slide back in. ugh. you know i have always been a mans best, but they have never been mine. wow...where is my husband? lol not to get married quick but to build that solid foundation with...
so in the course of all this...i havent really had anytime to think about a man because that is not anywhere in my life. but i started missing my skateboarding artist real hard...he was...maybe the best so far...started thinking about his granite countertops and wood floors. his paintings all over the house. our puppies. and then our family split apart lol but like most of the men i have dated, he refuses to deal with his real issues and all that stuff so it wouldnt work anyway...oh well...
i want to meet this man who understands where im coming from because he is there too...when my students call me 3 in the morning about something crazy that popped off and we gotta march for freedom, hes not covering his head with the pillow and getting an attitude talkin bout "you always giving yourself to everybody else but what about me?" but a man who by the time i get off the phone is standing at the door dressed in all black like, "come on babe, we signed up for this at birth, if not us then who to change the world???"
fly...right? a reflection is what i want. reflection of peace. of God. of love.
but thats scary...and i dont know if i will ever be ready for that foreal.
but i guess, no, I KNOW that God knows when we are ready for EVERYTHING in life.
so even though i have all this fear about friendships and relationships and just letting people in my life after everything that has happened, i just have to trust God...
***got a LOT of stuff to write about but i am lazy and dont write. and i call myself a writer....mmmhmm
Monday, October 20, 2008
....
today was my first day working at tar-jayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! lol you know one moment i was like i am not going to tell anybody where i work or how much i make things like that. but then i asked myself WHY??? because i thought people would think less of me, people would complain about my life and tell me that i SHOULD be working somewhere else so on and so on since i have a masters degree blah blah blah...
but you know...i think this is a great first job coming out of what i have been through the last few months. and i like my job. they make it so much fun to want to work there and they thank you every morning for coming to work because you can work anywhere else....plus i get a discount! lol so for now its cool...but i am really hoping and praying i get this job i interviewed for a few days ago. (PRAY!!!!)
speaking of people and their opinions....
this saturday i had the great opp of visiting some future in laws because my sister and her boo and my goddaughter flew up to his moms house from atlanta and we all drove up to visit them in northern va. well some of us are sitting around the table just talking and lil sis brings up my name change i think. and so somebody says why do you want to change your name to that and i explain what it means. then this girl who used to be my roommate but werent close, she says all hard "
"your name is your name you shouldnt change it. that just doesnt make sense."
im thinking...mean and bad.
like how are you going to go hard on me about changing my name? you dont have a right. so i explained really politely how ntozake changed her name and how she was depressed in the past and how i went through the same thing. and old girl aint have NOTHING to say.
then later on we are watching the music channels and sade came on and the fact ran across the screen that sade was born another name and i said see...sade changed her name.
and here go old girl..."we'll that is just her stage name! i mean gosh your name is your name"
and i thought,
THE WORLD IS MY STAGE....
not feeling too good. starting to feel like a cold so i am going to bed. write later or maybe in the morning because i work late tomorrow.
but you know...i think this is a great first job coming out of what i have been through the last few months. and i like my job. they make it so much fun to want to work there and they thank you every morning for coming to work because you can work anywhere else....plus i get a discount! lol so for now its cool...but i am really hoping and praying i get this job i interviewed for a few days ago. (PRAY!!!!)
speaking of people and their opinions....
this saturday i had the great opp of visiting some future in laws because my sister and her boo and my goddaughter flew up to his moms house from atlanta and we all drove up to visit them in northern va. well some of us are sitting around the table just talking and lil sis brings up my name change i think. and so somebody says why do you want to change your name to that and i explain what it means. then this girl who used to be my roommate but werent close, she says all hard "
"your name is your name you shouldnt change it. that just doesnt make sense."
im thinking...mean and bad.
like how are you going to go hard on me about changing my name? you dont have a right. so i explained really politely how ntozake changed her name and how she was depressed in the past and how i went through the same thing. and old girl aint have NOTHING to say.
then later on we are watching the music channels and sade came on and the fact ran across the screen that sade was born another name and i said see...sade changed her name.
and here go old girl..."we'll that is just her stage name! i mean gosh your name is your name"
and i thought,
THE WORLD IS MY STAGE....
not feeling too good. starting to feel like a cold so i am going to bed. write later or maybe in the morning because i work late tomorrow.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
restless.
(pic of the obama bag i painted. VOTE VOTE VOTE!! please go to http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/statepages to find your local office and contact them to see how you can volunteer the next few weeks to campaign for obama cuz i know you aint voting for Mc WACK and beauty queen wack-er)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
im restless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
im restless.
something beautiful is about to happen.
i feel it deep in my spirit.
just dont know what it is...
when i find out ill definitely write about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this weekend was good...
the show was crazy amazing Friday night in DC. I feel like i should write better than this about it. i will soon. maybe in another hour or maybe another day. I just wanted to write because i didnt feel like writing and what better way to break that feeling than by just doing it.
TODAY AT CHURCH...in va,
pastor started on a series last week about growing in christ. today he discussed the keys to growing. and he told us pretty much they are the Word of God, Prayer, and the Church. things that we already know.
BUT the really important part was the 3 keys he gave that work in unity with the previous keys.
1. HUMILITY---allows for pruning, allows for God to cut things away in our lives in order for growth. Pastor said that things happen and God will cut people out of our lives, cut things/places out of our lives, even personality changes in us.
WOW. hmmm i think that i have definitely experienced humility. and PRAISE GOD for cutting things out of my life that dont need to be there!!!! IT HURTS. change, growth all of those things hurt, but when the smoke clears and you are able to think and breathe deep and clear you start to understand a part of Gods plan...prayer and meditation are key to really understanding this...I am so thankful for humility. my depression was hard when i was first diagnosed but i am doing so much better and i know that it might take a little more time but i thank God that i am where i am today...
2. STABILITY---sometimes we have to stay where we are and not let the enemy or other people or things make us move out of where we are...this one was cool, not so much personal for me but i definitely thought of my mom and her ex-business partner who tried to push her out of the business due to her own selfish greed but that has not stopped my mom from moving on and beginning her OWN business...do it girl!
jealously is so ridiculous. i wish that the "crab" syndrome was not so ugly in the black community why cant we just all help each other be more successful?
3. CONSISTENCY---WOW. something that i have been talking about, consistency in relationships, but what about our consistency with God and prayer? Pastor said that it is better to do a little bit consistently than doing a lot inconsistently.
i feel it deep in my spirit.
just dont know what it is...
when i find out ill definitely write about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this weekend was good...
the show was crazy amazing Friday night in DC. I feel like i should write better than this about it. i will soon. maybe in another hour or maybe another day. I just wanted to write because i didnt feel like writing and what better way to break that feeling than by just doing it.
TODAY AT CHURCH...in va,
pastor started on a series last week about growing in christ. today he discussed the keys to growing. and he told us pretty much they are the Word of God, Prayer, and the Church. things that we already know.
BUT the really important part was the 3 keys he gave that work in unity with the previous keys.
1. HUMILITY---allows for pruning, allows for God to cut things away in our lives in order for growth. Pastor said that things happen and God will cut people out of our lives, cut things/places out of our lives, even personality changes in us.
WOW. hmmm i think that i have definitely experienced humility. and PRAISE GOD for cutting things out of my life that dont need to be there!!!! IT HURTS. change, growth all of those things hurt, but when the smoke clears and you are able to think and breathe deep and clear you start to understand a part of Gods plan...prayer and meditation are key to really understanding this...I am so thankful for humility. my depression was hard when i was first diagnosed but i am doing so much better and i know that it might take a little more time but i thank God that i am where i am today...
2. STABILITY---sometimes we have to stay where we are and not let the enemy or other people or things make us move out of where we are...this one was cool, not so much personal for me but i definitely thought of my mom and her ex-business partner who tried to push her out of the business due to her own selfish greed but that has not stopped my mom from moving on and beginning her OWN business...do it girl!
jealously is so ridiculous. i wish that the "crab" syndrome was not so ugly in the black community why cant we just all help each other be more successful?
3. CONSISTENCY---WOW. something that i have been talking about, consistency in relationships, but what about our consistency with God and prayer? Pastor said that it is better to do a little bit consistently than doing a lot inconsistently.
He said that we eat 3 hot meals a day, but feed our spirit 1 cold snack a week. said that some poeple only pray 1 hour a month instead of 3 minutes each day. wow. WOW. i dont know how people go to sleep at night with out prayer, you dont know what might happen to you while you are sleep!!! i cant make it through my days with out prayer and meditation all the time. my life is a constant prayer. maybe for me it is so important because i have been broken and torn so much to the point where i HAD NO CHOICE but to depend completely on God and pray consistently...
I thought about my old friend I spoke about before and how she has been so busy and lacked consistency in her friendships, but at church i thought, i would rather her never talk to me again than to be inconsistent in her relationship with God. I am willing to lose out on friends if it means they will draw closer to Jesus Christ. thats DEEP.
I am at peace right now. It was brought to my attention that I have a lot, and when i looked around i realized, I have everything I need. yeah so i dont have enough money to do what i need to do and pay all my bills, but i have a beautiful home to live in, i have food in the fridge and cabinents, i have a closet full of clothes and shoes and accesories, i have a tv, i have 2 bookshelves full of book, i have library cards to 5 different cities if i dont own a book i want to read lol, i have lots of arts supplies and paint and glitter and canvasses and beads to make whatever i want to create, i have my limbs to walk the puppy and to dance and stretch and move, i have a voice to tell and share and love, i have a mind to create and the ability to write and paint it out, i have two dogs to play with and love on and they adore me, i have a great mom who has sacrificed so much for me, a loving grandmother who is so funny, a new aunt who is more like my new 40 something best friend, i have some of the best sisters who should have been my blood sisters but blood dont mean nothing, a few brothers who love me unconditionally, but most of all I have GOD and I AM STILL ALIVE.
and me and daddy havent really had the best relationship the past 18 years and i could blame that on all the failed and dysfunctional relationships, friendships, and choices in my life but that was in the past...
daddy congratulated me on all my success saturday and sent me some money in the mail and before we got off the phone he said....
"hey, dont forget, I love you..."
and i love you. for loving and marrying a country girl named alice so that i could dance and break out of her womb as a savior of the people...
i will dance.
i will love.
i will save.
without reservations.
ps. i have gained my confidence back. i no longer compare myself to other people who really werent even on my level in the first place. i am stronger. than yesterday. than 90 days ago when i was contemplating killing myself. i am stronger...
I am at peace right now. It was brought to my attention that I have a lot, and when i looked around i realized, I have everything I need. yeah so i dont have enough money to do what i need to do and pay all my bills, but i have a beautiful home to live in, i have food in the fridge and cabinents, i have a closet full of clothes and shoes and accesories, i have a tv, i have 2 bookshelves full of book, i have library cards to 5 different cities if i dont own a book i want to read lol, i have lots of arts supplies and paint and glitter and canvasses and beads to make whatever i want to create, i have my limbs to walk the puppy and to dance and stretch and move, i have a voice to tell and share and love, i have a mind to create and the ability to write and paint it out, i have two dogs to play with and love on and they adore me, i have a great mom who has sacrificed so much for me, a loving grandmother who is so funny, a new aunt who is more like my new 40 something best friend, i have some of the best sisters who should have been my blood sisters but blood dont mean nothing, a few brothers who love me unconditionally, but most of all I have GOD and I AM STILL ALIVE.
and me and daddy havent really had the best relationship the past 18 years and i could blame that on all the failed and dysfunctional relationships, friendships, and choices in my life but that was in the past...
daddy congratulated me on all my success saturday and sent me some money in the mail and before we got off the phone he said....
"hey, dont forget, I love you..."
and i love you. for loving and marrying a country girl named alice so that i could dance and break out of her womb as a savior of the people...
i will dance.
i will love.
i will save.
without reservations.
ps. i have gained my confidence back. i no longer compare myself to other people who really werent even on my level in the first place. i am stronger. than yesterday. than 90 days ago when i was contemplating killing myself. i am stronger...
Friday, October 10, 2008
excitment.
i have started the application process and that makes me so excited.
i know i was going to wait until fall 2010, but it just doesnt make sense. All i want to do is teach college. so why wait 2 years to get my PhD? working some dumb job i dont really like? dont think so. I had to pray and think about it really hard especially while i was at this job fair last week, because none of the jobs interested me. I just want to teach college. that is my dream job. Dr. me, Professor me... :-)
so i am going for it. and i see no reason why they wont accept me. i am the bomb! i am strong. i am creative. an innovator. a scholar. and one thing i love...i love my people. i love my sisters. and imma do all the studying, research, teaching, and programming to make sure we stay in somebodies classroom...ok.
yes! excited foreal.
oh and i got a parttime job at one of my favorite stores!!!! wooo hooo!!!!!
and i have another interview for a full time job next week. things are looking positive :-)
praise god. because that is the ONLY way we make it. even if people dont want to admit it, they betta admit it because GOD is it! i know i should be dead but i am still alive and smiling only because of my God....(can i get a hand clap? lol)
i wish all readers peace and love and success...
i know i was going to wait until fall 2010, but it just doesnt make sense. All i want to do is teach college. so why wait 2 years to get my PhD? working some dumb job i dont really like? dont think so. I had to pray and think about it really hard especially while i was at this job fair last week, because none of the jobs interested me. I just want to teach college. that is my dream job. Dr. me, Professor me... :-)
so i am going for it. and i see no reason why they wont accept me. i am the bomb! i am strong. i am creative. an innovator. a scholar. and one thing i love...i love my people. i love my sisters. and imma do all the studying, research, teaching, and programming to make sure we stay in somebodies classroom...ok.
yes! excited foreal.
oh and i got a parttime job at one of my favorite stores!!!! wooo hooo!!!!!
and i have another interview for a full time job next week. things are looking positive :-)
praise god. because that is the ONLY way we make it. even if people dont want to admit it, they betta admit it because GOD is it! i know i should be dead but i am still alive and smiling only because of my God....(can i get a hand clap? lol)
i wish all readers peace and love and success...
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