fear.

things been going well.
is that why im scared?

well two things...

1. friends

i was watching season 2 dvd of girlfriends and this is when joan and toni stopped being friends but then toni got saved at the church it was a nice scene, yes i cried when i watched it lol but it made me think about all the people who are no longer in my life, and i wonder if one day we will be friends again? it doesnt make sense to me. i mean i dont think so. i am fine right now. i have my FAMILY and dont really need anybody else. i am FEARFUL of adding to my life because maybe for every 2 people i add, 1 is going to hurt me, or maybe out of every 2 people, 2 people will hurt me, use me, view me with jealous eyes, take from me, leave me...

i am afraid to have friends because i do not want that pain again.
and even sometimes with some people in my life i dont even want to try anymore because it doesnt make sense. friendship doesnt make sense to me anymore. these are real words. i dont know how to explain it because it is 3am i am still trying to understand it myself...

2. significant others

chilling with lil sis in her dorm about once a week and i have met some cool college kids lol no really like some cool people who make me wish i was in college right now, but anyway....hehehe so if i WERE in college there are some nice young men i could date BUT i am not going to jail. i will post a convo me and sis and her friend had in the car about that...so anyway a lot of them are talking about relationships and i am thinking GOSH yall just graduated high school, the people you are with now you might not be with by the time you graduate college and the ways you act you probably wont act by the time you graduate college. but it just made me think about relationships. then one of my family members out in the midwest who i love with all my heart told me over the phone about somebody we went to college with who recently got engaged and i was like wow look everybody is getting married, engaged, having kids, buying houses...i am not ready for that...i dont want the pressure to do so...
then one of my ex's called me and wants to come over to have dinner with me and my mom because he "loves my mom so much and her food" but really, i think its because he broke up with the girl he was with lol and he is trying to slide back in. ugh. you know i have always been a mans best, but they have never been mine. wow...where is my husband? lol not to get married quick but to build that solid foundation with...

so in the course of all this...i havent really had anytime to think about a man because that is not anywhere in my life. but i started missing my skateboarding artist real hard...he was...maybe the best so far...started thinking about his granite countertops and wood floors. his paintings all over the house. our puppies. and then our family split apart lol but like most of the men i have dated, he refuses to deal with his real issues and all that stuff so it wouldnt work anyway...oh well...

i want to meet this man who understands where im coming from because he is there too...when my students call me 3 in the morning about something crazy that popped off and we gotta march for freedom, hes not covering his head with the pillow and getting an attitude talkin bout "you always giving yourself to everybody else but what about me?" but a man who by the time i get off the phone is standing at the door dressed in all black like, "come on babe, we signed up for this at birth, if not us then who to change the world???"

fly...right? a reflection is what i want. reflection of peace. of God. of love.

but thats scary...and i dont know if i will ever be ready for that foreal.

but i guess, no, I KNOW that God knows when we are ready for EVERYTHING in life.

so even though i have all this fear about friendships and relationships and just letting people in my life after everything that has happened, i just have to trust God...


***got a LOT of stuff to write about but i am lazy and dont write. and i call myself a writer....mmmhmm