without family.

where would we be without family? i mean REAL family...

i have two sisters who are not related by blood, but blood has nothing to do with family. but my sisters both have new situations, one starting college and transitioning and another transitioning having babies and living far away (but about to move back to VA YAY!)

these women often say they are thankful for me and my mom all the time because we are there for them in so many ways, but they have NO idea how much i appreciate them being there for me. the time me and lil sis spend together on the weekends, because i dont have friends back home and dont want any really, dont really go anywhere but she always brightens my day and gets me excited to do things around the area...and my other sister who calls me every single day and if i dont answer leaves me messages worried because "i betta pick up the phone, she needs to be in contact with me at all times with me being depressed and all, silence might equal suicidal thoughts and we cant have that" what a sacrifice because she has a full time job at the hospital and is raising my goddaughter (who is a toddler), and is pregnant again with my future godson. :-) most women like that dont have much time but she makes it to make sure i am doing ok, so in return i make time for her too. i just wanted to say that i truly love them and i am thankful for the 13 years we have known each other...

muah!

oh i love my doctor too, when i told her my insurance is running out, she wrote my perscripton for meds for a month and then she told me that once i have future appointments with her she will only charge me my copay which is $20 instead of the full office visit which is like $100. i was like wow. she told me she still wants to be there for me and make sure i get better.

and finally, i have decided on my new name. first and last. but i dont think i want to post it yet. i am going to gradually move into my new name and start introducing myself to new people with the name and then do all the legal changing by january to start the new year off as the new me. :-)

things are looking up. kinda.

mmhmm

so i figured i would post some pics since i havent. sunday was cool. me, lil sis, and my 2 adopted lil brothers from church took nyia to the beach. she was scared of the water so she just dug holes and ran around and sat and watched us play in the water. she wouldnt go near it at all! but she had a good time playing. so did i. it was a good outing for me. the last day of summer on the beach :-) i didnt feel sad nor anxious about anything, i just lived in that moment.

i dont have pics of myself because i looked a hot mess from trying to drag her around

i was reading over some of my previous post and realized i said a few times that "i dont want people to think i am crazy"

my main problem is that i worry too much about other people, what they think, what they want, what they would do, so on and so on. i am now realizing that i dont want to talk to people AT ALL because then i dont have to worry about other people if i dont associate with other people. i just told lil sis last night that i dont want any friends, especially not here. i like just being with myself and my family. too many people bring too many problems and distractions and i am not ready for people to hurt me again.

the day my mom came to pick me up from maryland, some then friends said to me "well you know that reality + expectations=dissapointment" and i thought, maybe if i were expecting you to buy me ice cream and you didnt, but i fully expect my friends to go above and beyond if i am dying. that is an out of the ordinary situation. but some people just dont want to be bothered, and i guess thats ok with them. so if i dont have friends, i dont have that simple ordinary required expectation of friendship during hard times that other friends dont understand (they base friendship on how many times you go to the club together or out to eat together) then i dont have to be disapointed when they choose to ignore me. i need ride or die friends...God please send them one day. well i do have like 2 already but they are considered my real sisters.

i have been doing a lot better with my schedule. i wrote up goal sheets for myself and posted them on my closet doors so i have to look at them every single day. maybe ill take a picture of them and post tomorrow. i still havent written anything. maybe this blog counts. but i have a chapter of a book to write so the author can get it published and i have the play to write. i just need to do it. ugh i feel like i say that every day and never get it done. soon. i have been bogged down with cleaning and organizing and stuff plus i havent been waking up early. at least not today that wasnt until 2pm.

trying to do better. and i have been doing better. the change in medication hasnt made me sleepy at all. we will see what the doctor says on friday. i have 7 days until my insurance goes out! better get all the anti-depressant perscriptions filled fast...

just a quick thought

you know what makes me so mad?



there are no depression get well cards or gifts. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!



like what is wrong with people? why dont they encourage us?



i know i am not the only person who notices this.



send a damn e card they are FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even the hallmark ones are free.



people are so CHEAP. i hate people. what is the cost of friendship? jesus went all the way and died to be my friend and people dont do anything for you. but claim to be like christ. i hate people.



lord forgive me.



the end.

increase.

working on this poem called increase.

says something like...

i prayed for increase.
im unemployed
uninsured
and unsure of my future
tired of the bill people calling me
and having no where to go for help
i prayed hard and hard and hard
i fasted for days
and i prayed
for increase
and i got increase
an increase in my dose of lexapro.

ha!

well im working on the poem. want it to sound fancy and all. so thats not the actual poem but some thoughts on how it should go. ill post it when i finally write it foreal.

and yes my therapist suggested my dose of lexapro go up since "my body is still so depressed" her words. should i be happy? my mom was a little silent when i told her how much my doctor decided to up it, she didnt think it would be that much. she told me a few weeks ago she knew i would be off the medicine soon.

i dont know what to think about it. its sad but i want to feel better so i have to take more meds i guess. not sure what to tell people. they will probably think im crazy...oh thats ok. ill be the craziest millionaire with no friends to share my wealth with in a few years. that sounds great! because nobody has tried to help me.

but one of my moms coworker gave me some money today!!! so i can go order my glasses tomorrow praise god becuase now i cant drive at night because i cant see far with out glasses. its really sad because i saw a really nice bag i want and cant buy it because im BROKE! and any money i get goes to what i need. i dont even have enough money to pay my bills. i need to at least keep my phone on. mom gave me some money for that and gas. and gas is it because it costs so much to put gas in the tank. dont think ill be driving anywhere for awhile.

oh. me and lil sis went to an open mic last night here. it was cool. very diverse. different from what i experienced in DC but nice. this old white man got on stage and read a couple of poems. i thought it was beautiful because he had to be in his 70s and he even brought his breathing machine with him and all i could think was....

i need to get up and WRITE every single day! here is this man in his 70s with an oxygen and breathing machine at the open mic and im laying in bed thinking about dying...i gotta get it together. hopefully since my meds are going up and i am finding more things to be motivated about i will start feeling a lot better.

i still dont like talking to people. and i still feel very negative about most realtionships in my life except a few.

one great thing about my dose increase is that its going to make me really sleepy for like a week or two....yes! i get to sleep all day and all night. but the nausea is something i am not looking forward to. oh and that risk of suicide with changes to the medication...

pray for me.
thanks.

oh depression.
ugh.

anger.

why am i so angry.

that is what i have to work on now.

i cried myself to sleep the other night for the first time in a long time. i started missing everything i lost. i cried so much i had to go let the dog in my room to sleep with me. i was scared.

well...

i am about to be not only unemployed, but also uninsured. as soon as the 30th of september hits. but hey there are so many people with out health insurance i guess ill make it. only problem is i have to stop my therapy sessions. ha. yeah. thanks.

which means i need to motivate myself to do better. to try to take on this task of freeing myself. it is about time i set my alarm clock to wake up in the mornings and actually get up and do some exercise and start my day with positive meditations or something. MAKE MYSELF WRITE. because i am a writer. and i have a million things to write. and i should do it while i have time.

i am getting better. but not all the way there.
a family member sent me a message saying they hope i am holding on and getting stronger and that they love me. i told them i am holding on. its down to a small thread, but im holding.

what i will release to the universe and God now is that there will be a day soon when i can say I AM BETTER. I AM STRONG. and I am finally free from despondency.

that will be a beautiful day....

this is supposed to be real.

this is supposed to be real but...

i think i will not write for a few days.

mostly because my thoughts have not been postive. and why write non positive stuff? i guess i am supposed to. isnt that the point of this blog. wow i just thought

"i dont want people to think i am crazy"

see how this works. ugh. well. havent been doing well at all. had some positive energy this weekend by spending time with little sis and the rest of the family, went to church and clapped so hard my hands still hurt, cooked sunday dinner (jerk chicken, rice, yams with pinapples, cabbage, green beans, apple pie, rolls) for 5 people.

but i also kept having these major anxiety attacks that scared the mess out of me.

and i hate this because i keep feeling bad about how crazy everything gets. its like a hurricane inside of me. and i know how it can make people feel. i know my mom probably cries sometimes.

so lately i have been feeling like i dont need friends. because i think eventually they will leave me like the others did. eventually they will grow tired of my depressed state and stop calling emailing or texting. and now that i live at home with my mom i seriously doubt any of them are going to come visit. so, i dont think ill need other people in my life. i have my family members here, in atlanta, texas and st. louis.

oh what is all this i am saying i am sure i will feel better next week...yuck.

i need to write something from my list of projects. still havent started or picked up anything.
i need to apply to more jobs.
i need to get better.

this is real.

i just want to be normal.

friday was the worst.

i shut the blinds. i missed my eye exam appointment. i lay in bed all day. in the dark. angry. upset. confused. frustrated. anxious. there was the negativity hovering over my bed the entire day. i hated myself. i hated my friends. i hated my family. i hated everything and everyone because i thought everybody hated me.

then my mom came home from work and came in the room and pulled my legs and tried to drag me out of bed. but i told her to leave and get out of my room.

finally i got up. and then i ate dinner. then i started cleaning the house and i felt a lot better.

i felt bad because something is wrong with me. i hate depression. like why does this happen? it makes me sick and disgusted that i can be so low and then slowly come back to "normal" or whatever normal for me has become the past few weeks.

even today i had the worst anxiety attack in the middle of the craft store. it gave me a headache and i couldnt breathe. and i was so upset. and i kept telling my mom sorry and thank you and i love you because it made me upset and i know that it hurts her that i get this way sometimes. maybe i need more medication. i think i will call the doctor. this sucks.

other than that this weekend is family weekend and ill write about that tomorrow.