mmhmm

so i figured i would post some pics since i havent. sunday was cool. me, lil sis, and my 2 adopted lil brothers from church took nyia to the beach. she was scared of the water so she just dug holes and ran around and sat and watched us play in the water. she wouldnt go near it at all! but she had a good time playing. so did i. it was a good outing for me. the last day of summer on the beach :-) i didnt feel sad nor anxious about anything, i just lived in that moment.

i dont have pics of myself because i looked a hot mess from trying to drag her around

i was reading over some of my previous post and realized i said a few times that "i dont want people to think i am crazy"

my main problem is that i worry too much about other people, what they think, what they want, what they would do, so on and so on. i am now realizing that i dont want to talk to people AT ALL because then i dont have to worry about other people if i dont associate with other people. i just told lil sis last night that i dont want any friends, especially not here. i like just being with myself and my family. too many people bring too many problems and distractions and i am not ready for people to hurt me again.

the day my mom came to pick me up from maryland, some then friends said to me "well you know that reality + expectations=dissapointment" and i thought, maybe if i were expecting you to buy me ice cream and you didnt, but i fully expect my friends to go above and beyond if i am dying. that is an out of the ordinary situation. but some people just dont want to be bothered, and i guess thats ok with them. so if i dont have friends, i dont have that simple ordinary required expectation of friendship during hard times that other friends dont understand (they base friendship on how many times you go to the club together or out to eat together) then i dont have to be disapointed when they choose to ignore me. i need ride or die friends...God please send them one day. well i do have like 2 already but they are considered my real sisters.

i have been doing a lot better with my schedule. i wrote up goal sheets for myself and posted them on my closet doors so i have to look at them every single day. maybe ill take a picture of them and post tomorrow. i still havent written anything. maybe this blog counts. but i have a chapter of a book to write so the author can get it published and i have the play to write. i just need to do it. ugh i feel like i say that every day and never get it done. soon. i have been bogged down with cleaning and organizing and stuff plus i havent been waking up early. at least not today that wasnt until 2pm.

trying to do better. and i have been doing better. the change in medication hasnt made me sleepy at all. we will see what the doctor says on friday. i have 7 days until my insurance goes out! better get all the anti-depressant perscriptions filled fast...