this is supposed to be real.

this is supposed to be real but...

i think i will not write for a few days.

mostly because my thoughts have not been postive. and why write non positive stuff? i guess i am supposed to. isnt that the point of this blog. wow i just thought

"i dont want people to think i am crazy"

see how this works. ugh. well. havent been doing well at all. had some positive energy this weekend by spending time with little sis and the rest of the family, went to church and clapped so hard my hands still hurt, cooked sunday dinner (jerk chicken, rice, yams with pinapples, cabbage, green beans, apple pie, rolls) for 5 people.

but i also kept having these major anxiety attacks that scared the mess out of me.

and i hate this because i keep feeling bad about how crazy everything gets. its like a hurricane inside of me. and i know how it can make people feel. i know my mom probably cries sometimes.

so lately i have been feeling like i dont need friends. because i think eventually they will leave me like the others did. eventually they will grow tired of my depressed state and stop calling emailing or texting. and now that i live at home with my mom i seriously doubt any of them are going to come visit. so, i dont think ill need other people in my life. i have my family members here, in atlanta, texas and st. louis.

oh what is all this i am saying i am sure i will feel better next week...yuck.

i need to write something from my list of projects. still havent started or picked up anything.
i need to apply to more jobs.
i need to get better.

this is real.