she said she called the light company and asked them not to turn off her electricity because she is on oxygen...
i dont know why i started with that, i guess because of my financial rant last night that carried over into today. i wish i could help my family. one day i will.
i am taking donations for my new glasses....thanks for donating...
i went to therapy late today. felt a little better afterwards. cooked dinner. walked the dog at the park. went to the arts and craft store. starting to work on a new collage painting. ill put a pic up when i finish. it is my aspire piece with all of the women i want to be like...
they are:
jill scott, alicia keys, erykah badu, bell hooks, ntozake shange, angela davis, and toni cade bambara.
why???
they are strong. bold. honest. beautiful. amazing writers. healers. connectors. educators. activists.
the list goes on and on...i want what each of them have wrapped up in a package big enough to fill me up.
i dont really feel like writing. i am going to go read one of these books on my nightstand.
i have a wishlist on amazon of 50 books i want. so if anybody ever wants to give me a "get well from depression" present, just ask me which book you can buy me or you can give me some money. thanks.
it was a so-so day. not fantastic but not sucidical.
i did want to kill myself last night. but i guess im over it.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
my glasses.
the dog ate my glasses.
well she broke them by chewing them up.
so what am i supposed to do with no job?!
i find it interesting because my therapist suggested that i continue to relax for the rest of september and some of my friends and family have suggested the same thing. they say:
"oh why are you so pressed looking for a job, i think you should relax a few more weeks" and then i say well i have bills to pay. and they say NOTHING.
but really my question for them is, who is going to pay my bills? are you?! who is going to buy me a new pair of glasses? are you?! i think that because i live with my mom, most people think that i am taken care of. well my mom has to pay her bills, her mortgage, and she also pays for my grandmas bills and then i get what i can get at the end of the day. i didnt come from a rich family so i cant just go around and ask them.
i guess this is all my fault right?
finances are another big thing that causes people to be depressed. not so much me though. i am upset at my situation and i know there is some kind of way out while i am waiting to hear back from the million jobs i applied to, maybe a bake sale....
ugh.
im angry.
well she broke them by chewing them up.
so what am i supposed to do with no job?!
i find it interesting because my therapist suggested that i continue to relax for the rest of september and some of my friends and family have suggested the same thing. they say:
"oh why are you so pressed looking for a job, i think you should relax a few more weeks" and then i say well i have bills to pay. and they say NOTHING.
but really my question for them is, who is going to pay my bills? are you?! who is going to buy me a new pair of glasses? are you?! i think that because i live with my mom, most people think that i am taken care of. well my mom has to pay her bills, her mortgage, and she also pays for my grandmas bills and then i get what i can get at the end of the day. i didnt come from a rich family so i cant just go around and ask them.
i guess this is all my fault right?
finances are another big thing that causes people to be depressed. not so much me though. i am upset at my situation and i know there is some kind of way out while i am waiting to hear back from the million jobs i applied to, maybe a bake sale....
ugh.
im angry.
progress.
i made progress today!
like i said i would do, i woke up and made up the bed...then i ended up cleaning and vacuuming my whole room and cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor. did a lot. i didnt get dressed like i thought i would but that was ok because i still did a lot.
when i finished i ate some lunch and read a home design magazine. i am really into interor design, i really always have been but now i am interested in furniture pieces that are flexible and functional. like nightstands with a lot of cubby holes, built in shelving, etc. i cannot wait until i move into my house that I get to design. that will be awhile from now but it is still nice to dream...
i cooked dinner, took nyia on an hour walk, and YES i started the page a day commitment. i wrote my first page about freedom. (insert applause). i did a lot today. i also thought about my play and a couple of scenes and things came to mind i just need to sit down and write it all out. its going to be hot.
i was sitting here reading online about sister Ntozake Shange, a strong black woman!!! a pioneer...i love her and her works....so anyway, i was reading that she had been a sufferer of depression and had many suicidal attempts when she was in college, after she graduated, she changed her name to Ntozake from Paulette to mark her "new life"....
and after reading this i thought....Ooooooh, i want to change my name. how amazing would that be. i am trying to figure out what my name would be if i changed it. obviously it would have to be something beautiful and meaningful. i want to be proud when i hear my name. now sometimes i cringe at my name. yes i like it. its my name. but i often think about my last name and how i really dont care to have it, it is my fathers. he has improved in my life, but what legacy do i want to carry in his name? and i didnt really think about it until i took my dog to the emergency room and they wrote nyia and her last name as my last name and i wanted to tell the nurse, NO thats not her last name. and that is just a dog! imagine if it were a child...
but anyway Ntozake Shange is a wonderful woman. shes so beautiful and smart! a writer, playwriter, poet, professor, speaker, actress, activist. i want to be all those things. as black women who have experienced depression, we have a similar start, i wish to now follow in her footsteps. i want to be orange. i want to be beautiful. i want to be esteemed. i want to be expansive. i want to share my life. my words. me. with the world. i am ntozake. i am strong.
the name change may happen soon...we shall see. i do have a name in mind.
i was also able to have some time talking with close family on the phone. that always reminds me of happiness. one of my bestfriends who has been in my life for 13 years, she always reminds me unconsciously of how much we have grown, but also how much i am still the same spirit at heart. and i thought wow, she is one of few people who actually KNOWS me. i mean really gets me to the core. i am blessed to have her and her family in my family.
and i got to speak with some people over IMs and have been able to encourage people more. thats great...i realize how strong i am becoming and how i am much more able to be compassionate and sharing and wanting to intiate healing for people...
today was pretty good. lets pray that tomorrow is better.
like i said i would do, i woke up and made up the bed...then i ended up cleaning and vacuuming my whole room and cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor. did a lot. i didnt get dressed like i thought i would but that was ok because i still did a lot.
when i finished i ate some lunch and read a home design magazine. i am really into interor design, i really always have been but now i am interested in furniture pieces that are flexible and functional. like nightstands with a lot of cubby holes, built in shelving, etc. i cannot wait until i move into my house that I get to design. that will be awhile from now but it is still nice to dream...
i cooked dinner, took nyia on an hour walk, and YES i started the page a day commitment. i wrote my first page about freedom. (insert applause). i did a lot today. i also thought about my play and a couple of scenes and things came to mind i just need to sit down and write it all out. its going to be hot.
i was sitting here reading online about sister Ntozake Shange, a strong black woman!!! a pioneer...i love her and her works....so anyway, i was reading that she had been a sufferer of depression and had many suicidal attempts when she was in college, after she graduated, she changed her name to Ntozake from Paulette to mark her "new life"....
and after reading this i thought....Ooooooh, i want to change my name. how amazing would that be. i am trying to figure out what my name would be if i changed it. obviously it would have to be something beautiful and meaningful. i want to be proud when i hear my name. now sometimes i cringe at my name. yes i like it. its my name. but i often think about my last name and how i really dont care to have it, it is my fathers. he has improved in my life, but what legacy do i want to carry in his name? and i didnt really think about it until i took my dog to the emergency room and they wrote nyia and her last name as my last name and i wanted to tell the nurse, NO thats not her last name. and that is just a dog! imagine if it were a child...
but anyway Ntozake Shange is a wonderful woman. shes so beautiful and smart! a writer, playwriter, poet, professor, speaker, actress, activist. i want to be all those things. as black women who have experienced depression, we have a similar start, i wish to now follow in her footsteps. i want to be orange. i want to be beautiful. i want to be esteemed. i want to be expansive. i want to share my life. my words. me. with the world. i am ntozake. i am strong.
the name change may happen soon...we shall see. i do have a name in mind.
i was also able to have some time talking with close family on the phone. that always reminds me of happiness. one of my bestfriends who has been in my life for 13 years, she always reminds me unconsciously of how much we have grown, but also how much i am still the same spirit at heart. and i thought wow, she is one of few people who actually KNOWS me. i mean really gets me to the core. i am blessed to have her and her family in my family.
and i got to speak with some people over IMs and have been able to encourage people more. thats great...i realize how strong i am becoming and how i am much more able to be compassionate and sharing and wanting to intiate healing for people...
today was pretty good. lets pray that tomorrow is better.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
its ok.
once again today i stayed in bed all day long. my mom ended up staying home from work too because she had migranes. i only got up to make breakfast and then went back to bed. i was very tired kind of like when i first started my medication.
i was supposed to go to the funeral of my moms friends husband. i thought that it would be an experience i needed to see because he had committed suicide and i was suicidal in the past. to see what it would have been like if i had died. but i guess God didnt think it would be good. maybe i would have had an emotional overload.
i started getting upset with myself because i thought i would be productive today (whatever productive means) but instead i ended up sleeping the day away. around 7pm we went to the library here to get cards and i thought, let me just enjoy this moment. IT IS OK i didnt get much done or I didnt do what i wanted to do. but at least i cooked mom breakfast, i took the dog for a quick walk before dark, and i mailed my grandma her late grandparents day card.
thats a lot!
Even just now I started feeling anxious thinking about the page a day commitment because i still havent started it. and i dont want to be relaxed about it, but i also dont want to make myself feel bad about it. i have to be realistic and know that most days i dont feel like doing anything and when i pressure myself to do too much i end up feeling worse than when i started.
i was on facingus.org and looked at a tip someone left. they said that they wake up in the morning and immediately make their bed and get dressed and that helps with their depression because they end up doing things around the house instead of moping around all day feeling bad. i think i will try that tomorrow.
i applied to a lot of government jobs today but i know that process takes some time. i also applied to some part time jobs at stores around the area. i think a part time job would be a good start.
i also sat down and wrote out a 2 year plan for myself with different goals so that i wont get so upset about my current situation and just be patient for things to fall in place and my life to move up. i am supposed to be back home for a reason. i am finding different things and places to go that i probably wouldnt have done had i not gone through depression...
everything for a reason. romans 8:28.
i was supposed to go to the funeral of my moms friends husband. i thought that it would be an experience i needed to see because he had committed suicide and i was suicidal in the past. to see what it would have been like if i had died. but i guess God didnt think it would be good. maybe i would have had an emotional overload.
i started getting upset with myself because i thought i would be productive today (whatever productive means) but instead i ended up sleeping the day away. around 7pm we went to the library here to get cards and i thought, let me just enjoy this moment. IT IS OK i didnt get much done or I didnt do what i wanted to do. but at least i cooked mom breakfast, i took the dog for a quick walk before dark, and i mailed my grandma her late grandparents day card.
thats a lot!
Even just now I started feeling anxious thinking about the page a day commitment because i still havent started it. and i dont want to be relaxed about it, but i also dont want to make myself feel bad about it. i have to be realistic and know that most days i dont feel like doing anything and when i pressure myself to do too much i end up feeling worse than when i started.
i was on facingus.org and looked at a tip someone left. they said that they wake up in the morning and immediately make their bed and get dressed and that helps with their depression because they end up doing things around the house instead of moping around all day feeling bad. i think i will try that tomorrow.
i applied to a lot of government jobs today but i know that process takes some time. i also applied to some part time jobs at stores around the area. i think a part time job would be a good start.
i also sat down and wrote out a 2 year plan for myself with different goals so that i wont get so upset about my current situation and just be patient for things to fall in place and my life to move up. i am supposed to be back home for a reason. i am finding different things and places to go that i probably wouldnt have done had i not gone through depression...
everything for a reason. romans 8:28.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
because i said i would write here everyday.
writing because i have a commitment. i have yet to write my first page of the page a day commitment. i wonder what constitutes a page? single spaced? double spaced? does it have to be sentences covering the entire page or small stanzas? hmmm...ill start tomorrow.
today was...
i stayed in bed all day. took awhile to fall asleep but then didnt wake up til 12. had a dream that included two of my past lovers. interesting dream. dont care to share. but it was a good dream. i am lucky to remain friends with some of the people i used to love...
when i woke up i felt bad. stayed in bed and allowed the depression snowball to begin. i found myself hating myself and hating everyone else. then i had to do these positive exercises. got tired of that and just wen tback to sleep. mom woke me up to eat something and i continued laying in bed unti it was time to leave for my audition. the audition went very well i am sure i got the part i auditioned for. we wont know for another 3 weeks though. the play will open in january and run the entire month of february. that makes me wonder because the previous project i am involved in in DC will probably do shows for black history month so i dont know....i guess ill pray about it and see if i am offered the part....
ill leave with a quote from the book i am reading by Dr. Singleton called "Broken Silence"
"Pain is backed up energy with no release. It feeds on itself and signals that something needs attention. Pain wont go away until you attend to it"
think on that...maybe ill expand on pain next time i write.
today was...
i stayed in bed all day. took awhile to fall asleep but then didnt wake up til 12. had a dream that included two of my past lovers. interesting dream. dont care to share. but it was a good dream. i am lucky to remain friends with some of the people i used to love...
when i woke up i felt bad. stayed in bed and allowed the depression snowball to begin. i found myself hating myself and hating everyone else. then i had to do these positive exercises. got tired of that and just wen tback to sleep. mom woke me up to eat something and i continued laying in bed unti it was time to leave for my audition. the audition went very well i am sure i got the part i auditioned for. we wont know for another 3 weeks though. the play will open in january and run the entire month of february. that makes me wonder because the previous project i am involved in in DC will probably do shows for black history month so i dont know....i guess ill pray about it and see if i am offered the part....
ill leave with a quote from the book i am reading by Dr. Singleton called "Broken Silence"
"Pain is backed up energy with no release. It feeds on itself and signals that something needs attention. Pain wont go away until you attend to it"
think on that...maybe ill expand on pain next time i write.
page a day challenge.
i am writing this post for rememberance.
a friend/cousin of mine just challenged me to write a page a day for a book. he is going to do it as well. he/i encourage all writers to do it. you write a page a day and stop when you feel like you have all you need.
i am going to write about freedom.
who knows what will come out on the page but it will be centered around freedom.
lets see what happens.
might be a bestseller.
**fingers crossed**
one more thing to write in addition to the growing list of projects. guess this means i should plug my alarm clock back in the wall and set it to wake up early to start my day. anxiety boils when thinking of alarm clocks. my therapist makes me say: I am fully capable of functioning on schedules. I just dont know if i want to go back to that life i used to live...tight schedule overload etc. your black superwoman at age 23.
nightnight. almost 1am. i have an audition tomorrow/today. blow me blessings across the sky ;-)
a friend/cousin of mine just challenged me to write a page a day for a book. he is going to do it as well. he/i encourage all writers to do it. you write a page a day and stop when you feel like you have all you need.
i am going to write about freedom.
who knows what will come out on the page but it will be centered around freedom.
lets see what happens.
might be a bestseller.
**fingers crossed**
one more thing to write in addition to the growing list of projects. guess this means i should plug my alarm clock back in the wall and set it to wake up early to start my day. anxiety boils when thinking of alarm clocks. my therapist makes me say: I am fully capable of functioning on schedules. I just dont know if i want to go back to that life i used to live...tight schedule overload etc. your black superwoman at age 23.
nightnight. almost 1am. i have an audition tomorrow/today. blow me blessings across the sky ;-)
Saturday, September 6, 2008
yuck.
i had a few memories today of times that were yucky this summer concerning my "friends" and my depression.
1. there was a guy who used to be a friend who brought me a stress book. when i bumped into him at church weeks after my major explosion and sucidical week, he asked me if i had been reading the book. WOW. he didnt ask me how i had been doing but had i been reading. NEWSFLASH i am depressed i dont want to read, in fact i am sometimes so uninterested in life that i will stay in bed for days with out showering and wont leave the house nor watch tv. just lay.
2. i remember talking to a friend who was trying to cheer me up. i told her that i tried to be happy sometimes but it didnt work. she replied with,
"What do you mean you TRY to be happy? i mean you should be happy look how young you are with your masters degree and all these things you have and places you have been...etc."
WOW. she told me to SNAP OUT OF IT. if i could trust me i would have a long time ago. when you tell a depressed person stuff like that, you only make it worse for them because then they starting feeling even more bad about themselves because they are sad and cant get themselves out of it. WELL OF COURSE NOT, DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS. you cant just fix it in one day.
this is why education and awareness is so important. i hate ignorant people.
AND ON THE TOPIC OF HATE....
because i lost friends since i said i hated everyone when i was suicidal and people took it personal. that doesnt make sense. if you are smart you can develop this equation, if i wanted to kill myself i probably hated myself so then if i hated myself then it made sense for me to hate the world so you shouldnt take it personal.
but people are so dumb nowdays and they claim to be smart all up in grad school and stuff...
on the topic of grad school...
i finally know what i really want to do with my life. i just have to figure out when i will go back to school for this last degree. do i want to start next fall or wait until fall 2010? i am thinking 2010, there is so much anxiety rising in my chest right now thinking about apply to school right now. it is easy but will take time. also this time i have a list of 4 schools that are all over the place. i have finally decided to not think about other people in making decisions about where i go in the future. i used to make decisions thinking, oh but i need to be close to these friends and these people. BUT those people never thought about me in making their decisions. i am making progress in letting go of what people think about me and trying to please people so much because they are NOT in charge!!!!! I AM IN CHARGE OF ME.
exercise:
this has been working for me. think about times when you were/are very happy and ask youself why you were happy and then look at how you can apply those reasons to your life right now and your future. i know that in the past i have been happy because i was surrounded by people who REALLY cared about me, and i was doing the things i loved to do from my heart not the things that people thought i should do...
1. there was a guy who used to be a friend who brought me a stress book. when i bumped into him at church weeks after my major explosion and sucidical week, he asked me if i had been reading the book. WOW. he didnt ask me how i had been doing but had i been reading. NEWSFLASH i am depressed i dont want to read, in fact i am sometimes so uninterested in life that i will stay in bed for days with out showering and wont leave the house nor watch tv. just lay.
2. i remember talking to a friend who was trying to cheer me up. i told her that i tried to be happy sometimes but it didnt work. she replied with,
"What do you mean you TRY to be happy? i mean you should be happy look how young you are with your masters degree and all these things you have and places you have been...etc."
WOW. she told me to SNAP OUT OF IT. if i could trust me i would have a long time ago. when you tell a depressed person stuff like that, you only make it worse for them because then they starting feeling even more bad about themselves because they are sad and cant get themselves out of it. WELL OF COURSE NOT, DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS. you cant just fix it in one day.
this is why education and awareness is so important. i hate ignorant people.
AND ON THE TOPIC OF HATE....
because i lost friends since i said i hated everyone when i was suicidal and people took it personal. that doesnt make sense. if you are smart you can develop this equation, if i wanted to kill myself i probably hated myself so then if i hated myself then it made sense for me to hate the world so you shouldnt take it personal.
but people are so dumb nowdays and they claim to be smart all up in grad school and stuff...
on the topic of grad school...
i finally know what i really want to do with my life. i just have to figure out when i will go back to school for this last degree. do i want to start next fall or wait until fall 2010? i am thinking 2010, there is so much anxiety rising in my chest right now thinking about apply to school right now. it is easy but will take time. also this time i have a list of 4 schools that are all over the place. i have finally decided to not think about other people in making decisions about where i go in the future. i used to make decisions thinking, oh but i need to be close to these friends and these people. BUT those people never thought about me in making their decisions. i am making progress in letting go of what people think about me and trying to please people so much because they are NOT in charge!!!!! I AM IN CHARGE OF ME.
exercise:
this has been working for me. think about times when you were/are very happy and ask youself why you were happy and then look at how you can apply those reasons to your life right now and your future. i know that in the past i have been happy because i was surrounded by people who REALLY cared about me, and i was doing the things i loved to do from my heart not the things that people thought i should do...
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