its ok.

once again today i stayed in bed all day long. my mom ended up staying home from work too because she had migranes. i only got up to make breakfast and then went back to bed. i was very tired kind of like when i first started my medication.

i was supposed to go to the funeral of my moms friends husband. i thought that it would be an experience i needed to see because he had committed suicide and i was suicidal in the past. to see what it would have been like if i had died. but i guess God didnt think it would be good. maybe i would have had an emotional overload.

i started getting upset with myself because i thought i would be productive today (whatever productive means) but instead i ended up sleeping the day away. around 7pm we went to the library here to get cards and i thought, let me just enjoy this moment. IT IS OK i didnt get much done or I didnt do what i wanted to do. but at least i cooked mom breakfast, i took the dog for a quick walk before dark, and i mailed my grandma her late grandparents day card.

thats a lot!

Even just now I started feeling anxious thinking about the page a day commitment because i still havent started it. and i dont want to be relaxed about it, but i also dont want to make myself feel bad about it. i have to be realistic and know that most days i dont feel like doing anything and when i pressure myself to do too much i end up feeling worse than when i started.

i was on facingus.org and looked at a tip someone left. they said that they wake up in the morning and immediately make their bed and get dressed and that helps with their depression because they end up doing things around the house instead of moping around all day feeling bad. i think i will try that tomorrow.

i applied to a lot of government jobs today but i know that process takes some time. i also applied to some part time jobs at stores around the area. i think a part time job would be a good start.

i also sat down and wrote out a 2 year plan for myself with different goals so that i wont get so upset about my current situation and just be patient for things to fall in place and my life to move up. i am supposed to be back home for a reason. i am finding different things and places to go that i probably wouldnt have done had i not gone through depression...

everything for a reason. romans 8:28.