yuck.

i had a few memories today of times that were yucky this summer concerning my "friends" and my depression.

1. there was a guy who used to be a friend who brought me a stress book. when i bumped into him at church weeks after my major explosion and sucidical week, he asked me if i had been reading the book. WOW. he didnt ask me how i had been doing but had i been reading. NEWSFLASH i am depressed i dont want to read, in fact i am sometimes so uninterested in life that i will stay in bed for days with out showering and wont leave the house nor watch tv. just lay.

2. i remember talking to a friend who was trying to cheer me up. i told her that i tried to be happy sometimes but it didnt work. she replied with,

"What do you mean you TRY to be happy? i mean you should be happy look how young you are with your masters degree and all these things you have and places you have been...etc."

WOW. she told me to SNAP OUT OF IT. if i could trust me i would have a long time ago. when you tell a depressed person stuff like that, you only make it worse for them because then they starting feeling even more bad about themselves because they are sad and cant get themselves out of it. WELL OF COURSE NOT, DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS. you cant just fix it in one day.

this is why education and awareness is so important. i hate ignorant people.

AND ON THE TOPIC OF HATE....

because i lost friends since i said i hated everyone when i was suicidal and people took it personal. that doesnt make sense. if you are smart you can develop this equation, if i wanted to kill myself i probably hated myself so then if i hated myself then it made sense for me to hate the world so you shouldnt take it personal.

but people are so dumb nowdays and they claim to be smart all up in grad school and stuff...

on the topic of grad school...

i finally know what i really want to do with my life. i just have to figure out when i will go back to school for this last degree. do i want to start next fall or wait until fall 2010? i am thinking 2010, there is so much anxiety rising in my chest right now thinking about apply to school right now. it is easy but will take time. also this time i have a list of 4 schools that are all over the place. i have finally decided to not think about other people in making decisions about where i go in the future. i used to make decisions thinking, oh but i need to be close to these friends and these people. BUT those people never thought about me in making their decisions. i am making progress in letting go of what people think about me and trying to please people so much because they are NOT in charge!!!!! I AM IN CHARGE OF ME.

exercise:

this has been working for me. think about times when you were/are very happy and ask youself why you were happy and then look at how you can apply those reasons to your life right now and your future. i know that in the past i have been happy because i was surrounded by people who REALLY cared about me, and i was doing the things i loved to do from my heart not the things that people thought i should do...