progress.

i made progress today!

like i said i would do, i woke up and made up the bed...then i ended up cleaning and vacuuming my whole room and cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor. did a lot. i didnt get dressed like i thought i would but that was ok because i still did a lot.

when i finished i ate some lunch and read a home design magazine. i am really into interor design, i really always have been but now i am interested in furniture pieces that are flexible and functional. like nightstands with a lot of cubby holes, built in shelving, etc. i cannot wait until i move into my house that I get to design. that will be awhile from now but it is still nice to dream...

i cooked dinner, took nyia on an hour walk, and YES i started the page a day commitment. i wrote my first page about freedom. (insert applause). i did a lot today. i also thought about my play and a couple of scenes and things came to mind i just need to sit down and write it all out. its going to be hot.

i was sitting here reading online about sister Ntozake Shange, a strong black woman!!! a pioneer...i love her and her works....so anyway, i was reading that she had been a sufferer of depression and had many suicidal attempts when she was in college, after she graduated, she changed her name to Ntozake from Paulette to mark her "new life"....

and after reading this i thought....Ooooooh, i want to change my name. how amazing would that be. i am trying to figure out what my name would be if i changed it. obviously it would have to be something beautiful and meaningful. i want to be proud when i hear my name. now sometimes i cringe at my name. yes i like it. its my name. but i often think about my last name and how i really dont care to have it, it is my fathers. he has improved in my life, but what legacy do i want to carry in his name? and i didnt really think about it until i took my dog to the emergency room and they wrote nyia and her last name as my last name and i wanted to tell the nurse, NO thats not her last name. and that is just a dog! imagine if it were a child...

but anyway Ntozake Shange is a wonderful woman. shes so beautiful and smart! a writer, playwriter, poet, professor, speaker, actress, activist. i want to be all those things. as black women who have experienced depression, we have a similar start, i wish to now follow in her footsteps. i want to be orange. i want to be beautiful. i want to be esteemed. i want to be expansive. i want to share my life. my words. me. with the world. i am ntozake. i am strong.

the name change may happen soon...we shall see. i do have a name in mind.

i was also able to have some time talking with close family on the phone. that always reminds me of happiness. one of my bestfriends who has been in my life for 13 years, she always reminds me unconsciously of how much we have grown, but also how much i am still the same spirit at heart. and i thought wow, she is one of few people who actually KNOWS me. i mean really gets me to the core. i am blessed to have her and her family in my family.

and i got to speak with some people over IMs and have been able to encourage people more. thats great...i realize how strong i am becoming and how i am much more able to be compassionate and sharing and wanting to intiate healing for people...

today was pretty good. lets pray that tomorrow is better.