well its been a minute since ive wrote. i know i am doing the creative everyday thing but unfortunately i have a hand that is out of commission and i dont really have money to get a few things i need in order to do some of the projects i had on my list...
i am going to finish my collage and craft cabinent.
seems like now i am holding on by a thread again.
why does life seem to threaten me?
i find myself holding on tight
fighting suicide daily.
this is my reality.
well i havent been doing much but going to work and hanging with lil sis. i threw my moms 50th birthday party last weekend which took a lot of planning time and money that i could have now but hey it was a fun night for her.
on the topic of money...a nameless person and i were on the phone and they asked me how my process went at social services this week because i went to apply for medicaid and i told them i needed to turn in some more paperwork and they said, "well good i bet you feel a lot better now" and i replied, "well im still broke as a joke." they wanted to go on and on talking about how i am not broke and i have everything i need and i was like no i dont. i dont have enough money to pay my bills every month my credit is shot i am so behind. and they go..."what bills do you have i mean come on all you have is your student loans and you dont have to pay those yet." ok so then they keep going on and want to ask me what my minimum payments are and what bills i have and i wanted to jump through the phone and strangle their ass because they dont need to ask me questions about my bills unless they are going to help me pay them. i hate people. just dumb asking me questions for what? i hate people who talk about how much money they make nad what they have and what they are doing all the damn time but they havent helped me knowing full well i havent had a job since march and now i just started working a part time job. well i knwo people think i live with my mom now so i dont have anything to worry about but in the midst of my depression and trying to kill myself my mom was frazzled was helping me, giving me money, dealing iwht therapy costs and medication and GUESS WHAT???
motherfuckers want to foreclose on our house because we are broke as a damn joke trying to deal with all this stuff oh its kinda like all my fault but hey this is why you say well maybe if i would have killed myself back when i first was trying to things would be ok?
I HATE PEOPLE HARD.
do you know that this whole sitation does not make sense!!!! YES TIMES ARE HARD. but i know people who are really balling at if not balling they are making it with surplus. i have talked about cards and all and i know people who havent even send that much. ugh i am sorry but i just hate the world today because i am so upset.
look at me.
23 doing nothing.
2 degrees and struggling.
doing nothing at all.
struggling on my own.
trying to hold my own.
fighting depression and suicide daily.
holding on by a thread.
broken heart.
negative 1,000 point self esteem.
i need therapy.
really i need
a transplant.
a heart transplant.
a soul transplant.
a life transplant.
but if i died would i really come back to life?
i used to always think this...and would i go to hell?
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2 comments:
I hope you're okay. I get depressed too.
I'm also black and a woman and young too, like you. It's really hard. A lot of people expect everything out of you. Like Great Expectations expectations, lol.
I have a degree like you but I'm having a hard time starting my career. I guess it's so hard because I barely had a smooth start starting college in the first place. My Mom expect so much out of me and I know she's proud of me but a lot of the times I feel 'sick'. Especially when I have a twin brother who's better than me in everything and they're really close. It feels like I'm becoming the black sheep in my family. And somedays I don't give a damn.
Its really hard talking to my mother sometimes. Not that I didn't trust her opinion, she just 'freaks out'. She haven't done that it a long while but I still worry about confiding in my Mother.
I think she knows I'm depressed but she thinks that depression is not applicable for a young woman like me because I don't have 'real problems' like her. Yeah I might have made a lot of problems in life but you get to a point where you do 'shut down'. Not every black female is Superwoman we have kryptonite too.
And despite all of that I feel alone, stupid, and a failure all the time. Even when I do win at SOMETHING. And a lot of the time I feel conflicted. Somedays, I can do anything and everything and I have days where I wish I was hit by a bus.
I dont have much friend to talk to due to being an Army Brat but I'm learning how to talk to friends and not hide my feelings all the time. That's what kills a lot of us DBYF ( Depressed Black Young Female), ya know. We're always taught to be strong for our kids, husbands, mothers, brothers, uncles, cousin twice removed from Arkansas. But when it comes to us it's until we're dying or dead.
So at least know that in this stupid world you're not the only DBYF. There's a lot of us. We just mask it better than others, lol.
And I hope you your mother and you keep your home from foreclosure. There's a lot of programs out there that's government run that could help you out. Don't try to push people away that's out there for your help. And talk to your family members about your situation. They might be of no use to you now but you never know about people, they can help you out a lot.
And lastly, please tell someone, like your mom or family member, about your depression. You seem like a nice person and you don't deserve to live your life in depression. If they cant understand show them websites or forums about us or webmd.com. You got to educate!
Stay Safe!
Ugh, I can't take people who think they know more about my life than I do. I'm sorry you had to deal with that conversation.
I barely pray for myself anymore, but sis, I am praying for you and your mom. The situation is not your fault. We don't choose our depression.
Love you,
Farah
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