too personal.

as i begin to open up more to people and talk about what i have been going through, it has been a little easier than before. it is not exhausting because i preface it with a little speech and then blurt out..."i wanted to kill myself i was diagnosed as severly depressed im in therapy and on anti-depressants"

most people have been like, oh no i am so sorry this is happening to you, whatever you need let me know, you are going to get better in time i know it will take awhile but im glad you are ok.

then you have the people who infuse their personal opinions such as..."i dont believe people should be on medication its just a cover up" my answer to that is that you might not believe in abortion but if your 11 year old daughter winds up pregnant because shes been messing around, you might just change your mind. dont say a strong opinion until you are in the position of seeing both sides. SO if you are severely depressed you will probably be on medication, well actually i pretty much have NO choice from my doctor and therapist. you treat depression like any other illness you would never tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin shots...get the picture?

other personal opinions are about therapy and how you just need to pray and all this religious jargon and bs cliches...i love jesus christ that is my partner my bestfriend and i read my bible and pray but i also know i need to go to therapy and take my medication if i ever want to get better. again depression is like any other illness.

then there is the ultimate personal question some people have asked:

"how did you want to kill yourself? how did you do it?"

and i am always disturbed by the question. for one, i feel it is so personal. second, why would you want me to revist that scene? and third, why do you want to know it just seems weird that somebody would want you to tell them the details of how you laid out your pills or chose which knife to cut yourself with or stood on the balcony about to jump or however you decided to make it happen. isnt that weird and disturbing. such a difficult question. a personal one. a question that isnt neccessary to ask...you should ask someone who is depressed how they are really doing and what they need to get better, how you can help them or others can help them in the recovery process. the how of suicide is reserved for the therapist and doctor. and i even felt weird telling them.

seems like most of these posts are about death.

i met with my friend and we talked about his depression and my depression. i will write about that conversation later.

I would suggest people interested in learning more to read Terrie Williams book "Black Pain" it is a great book on depression in the black community.

doing better.

So I am doing better.

For many people that phrase can be taken in so many ways. Some people think that when you say you are doing better that you are back to normal so they no longer have to wonder or give 'extra' care. some people know you are lying. and some people take it as it is, just a simple step up the ladder of recovery.

I am doing better but I am not all the way there. simply put.

to be honest i wanted to kill myself last week. but i only thought about it twice instead of all the time like before. so i guess thats better right?

Well you cant really tell people that straight up when they ask you how you have been doing. sometimes i wonder does this medicine really work? or maybe its the fact I havent been to therapy in the past 2 weeks because of being in and out of town? well either way I have moments where i am good and moments where I am not but now i notice being conscious of it and trying my hardest to not let it be so bad like it was before I began treatment. I think i really want to join a support group now. It will be so much better to actually talk with people who can encourage you because they really UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in this world where you just hate everything because you are that severly depressed. even when i try to be positive i am still sad sometimes.

i talked to 2 friends today and told them what was going on becuase they had been calling me for weeks and weeks and i finally let them know about my depression and how i wanted to die. they told me i was a very strong black woman and that they knew i would get back on my feet, but most importantly they told me they were sorry i had to go through this, they were sorry that people stopped being in my life when i need them most, and they were happy that i did not kill myself because they love me. imagine that! they thanked me for still being alive....and that meant so much to me. more than they will EVER know.

i also had an old friend/colleague make contact with me. he is also dealing with depression and we had somewhat of a fall out when he went through a few months ago. i was trying to be there for him and he was pushing everyone away, BUT unlike a lot of people in my life, i still remained in his even when he would not talk to me. i remember just sitting in bed with him and he wouldnt talk. and he wouldnt talk for weeks and then he finally did after a couple of months. we are supposed to be getting together to talk soon. that also means alot to me. i didnt tell him exactly what was going on with me but he could tell and he asked me how i have been holding up, i told him we will talk face to face. he told me he was glad we were still friends even after everything. and i told him that i understood. because i know what it is like to not be yourself and people not understand that it is because you are depressed. i didnt hold it against him and remained in his life with open arms not judging him or leaving him on his own but continuing to make contact with him to make sure he was doing ok. i know he went through a lot as i have and it is nice to know someone who does care and understand you. it is nice to know i am not crazy in thinking that people could have done more for me, because i did more for other people in my life who were/are depressed.

i will write later it is getting very late and i need to sleep. its like 2am but for some reason i cant figure out how to change this time post from pacific to eastern time.

sleepless.

at first i couldnt sleep and then when the medication started i could sleep because the side effects were somnolence.

now that they have worn off i cant sleep.

and i need to want to because i am so tired of sitting here thinking of how much people have hurt me. thinking of how unfair things are because my life is no longer the same. my life has completely changed. i am no longer the person i used to be, i dont do the things i used to do and not in a way that i wanted to change but that my life was ripped apart at the seams. so while every one else continues to live their lives, continues to go to work and school and the clubs and get dressed nice and party and listen to music or read a book or watch tv or laugh with friends or cook dinner or do whatever they want to do living independently, i live with my mother and i do nothing but lay in bed and take my dog on walks, go to therapy and take my anti depressant medication.

so while every one continues to live their life, i dont. and that makes me the bad person.
not them, OH NO they are not selfish or mean or wrong because they cant take 4 minutes out of their regular lives to make sure i havent died yet.
but i am the wrong one. by their standards.

note to the world, never ever try to kill yourself or be depressed because you will lose friends and family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at a time when you NEED them the most.


going to find some sleep medicine if not then some benadryl and hopefully it works and i dont have to overdose.

i am here.

i am here.

i am still here.

after a very long month, a life changing month, i am still here. July brought forth the worst episode of depression i have ever experienced. i was suicidal. yes i wanted to kill myself. which is a hard thing to admit. as a cause of my depression i have lost people i thought were my friends and family, things in my life have been rearranged, but i am still here...

and i only have God to thank that i am still alive...
even on the days i still wonder if i should i have just died.

this blog is for several things:

1. self healing by being able to express what i am feeling and going through

2. understanding for others in my life who do not know or understand how to deal with depression and having a loved one who is depressed

3. for others who are depressed, to be able to help them understand they are not alone and that they can at least reach out to me, always feel free to email me


we must share our stories, share our testimony so that the power of God can be seen, so that we can help others heal, so that we too may heal ourselves....

ill be writing again very soon probably today.