my next big thing to do is to start my own publishing company because i know so many people who want to publish, so many poets and artists and writers that i believe in...
so its going down! as soon as i get things together.
trust and believe its going to be in progress by the beginning of 2009.
email me for more info if you want...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
mama came lookin for us...
i was walking the dog tonight and let her run off in a field on the way back home and as she came closer to me i noticed she was crunching on something...
it was a turtle she found while running in the field, and yes she killed it.
i was so upset. how could she!!!!!!! i remember my first pet was a turtle i found walking across the road when i was like 6 years old. i made my mom stop the car and let me pick it up. then somebody stole it off our porch a few weeks later...and now the dog eats turtles.
shes on punishment. now i do understand shes just a baby, only 7 months old and thought it was a toy but dag...inflicting violence on the innocent.
so i called my mom to tell her but my phone is cheap and died right after i said "mom"...as i got closer to the house i saw her car driving down the street and she rolled down the window yelling my name and telling me that she was driving around looking for us because all she heard me say was mom and then when she kept calling back it went straight to voicemail. said her chest was hurting and she had the house phone and her cell phone in the car...
then i get in the house and charge the phone and talk to my sister in atlanta and shes like "i called you 3 times you cant have your phone off!!! we get worried..."
glad to know somebody is still worried about my status of life.
didnt know they would get worried like that though...sorry guys...my phone is cheap! i wrote a poem about it a few months ago lol
I TALKED TO MY MOMS CLOSE FRIEND ON THE PHONE TONIGHT....
she asked me how my day was and i told her it was ok. she asked me how could we make my day better? what can be done? and i told her for me to get a job. she laughed and told me that it was on the way...
she said...
"DONT YOU KNOW THAT GOD HAS YOU? take this time to enjoy life, whether it is watching tv, sleeping in past 8am, packing your moms lunch each night, reading some books, doing your hair, just do it. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW. SO EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS AND KNOW THAT HE HAS YOU IN HIS HANDS AND EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL....and stay beautiful...i love you!!! remember he wants you to be completely happy!"
that was some beautiful encouragement tonight after i had been feeling a little down due to the response that a 'friend' had to my previous post about friends who dont have time to check in...which ill talk about next...
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PAGE....
she read my post and got all upset. she told me that i was wrong and that SATAN is messing with my mind making me think people dont care about me. she told me she loves me.
now my question is, how do people know we care about them? we show them. I have not heard from her since August and i have sent her emails and ecards but she had not responded to me...what would you think?
i told her i am SO TIRED of people using satan as a crutch. it seems that we have become intellectually lazy and tend to blame everything on satan instead of critically assessing the situation to figure out what is wrong and what needs to change and what we need to work on.
i could have just said, oh satan is messing with my mind and not actively committed myself to growing stronger and moving past my depression into a beautiful place...faith without works is dead. she continued on saying things that didnt make much sense to me because friendship is not based on if i think you are my friend because you told me you loved me a few months ago, i know you are my friend because you are continuously there for me especially during hard times, and well hey i had to remind her that i am sick with depression. i think people dont really understand the severity of the illness which is why i urged my friends to do their own research online and to read my blog but many of them havent. oh well...
she told me that she has been busy with work. i dont want anybody to tell me they are busy if they dont have kids. im sorry. but my sister is pregnant and raising a toddler and works as a nurse in a demanding operating room. she is busy every single day but she sacrifices her time to make sure we are in contact with one another whether by phone, email, AIM, or text if not every day, close to everyday. and those are the types of sisterfriends i want in my new life.
my 'friend' continued to make me feel as though something was wrong with me because i challenged her to be a better friend. if we are to honestly be sisterfriends we have got to do better. not contacting a friend with depression for almost 2 months and 'forgetting' to respond to her emails is not good enough. sorry to say so. and NO one will make me feel bad because i feel like i deserve encouragement and stronger friendships. I have a right!!! I have given of myself in invaluable ways to hundreds of people who have only drained my postitive energy source. which is probably one of the main reasons why i became depressed. i believe God is allowing me to experience these losses to see that i have to take control of my life and to not only guard my heart but to guard my positive energy supply.i gotta keep moving gotta keep on. i read a sisters blog on ymib.com today and she left me with a quote that is so strong for me now...
"People can only devalue you if you let them"
i was talking to my mom about it and she told me that people are just going to have to learn their own definitions of friendship right now for themselves but she is glad that i am learning and growing and getting stronger and focusing on what God has for me and not what i am seeing but holding onto my faith.
Like i wrote yesterday, i am so sad because the Black community has a rich tradition. We come from ancestors who developed amazing spirits and powers. Each of us hold inside of us the power to heal one another physically, emotionally and mentally but we have allowed so many other issues and things tear us apart and keep us from understanding and realizing our healing potental if we all come together. I truly believe that if one of us is hurting or sick and all of us band together with that person and pray and meditate and commune with them we will be able to intiate healing among one another....
this is why i have in the past developed my own activites and events to bring people together, one thing i remember is a dinner i hosted at my home to honor black history and we were able to commune together and remember our ancestors and discuss issues in a welcoming enviroment. i wanted to faciliate that for my friends...and some of those same people are ones who walked away from me, but at least i planted some type of seed in their lives.
through my involvement in other activites and circles, i have begun meeting people who have those same beliefs about friendship, sisterhood, and healing circles. and maybe it is just that the ones who dont believe and dont understand will have to leave my life and be replaced by the new ones... still i have hope for my old friends who have yet to allow themselves to be unlocked and open to change in their own lives and definitions/traditions of friendship...
it was a turtle she found while running in the field, and yes she killed it.
i was so upset. how could she!!!!!!! i remember my first pet was a turtle i found walking across the road when i was like 6 years old. i made my mom stop the car and let me pick it up. then somebody stole it off our porch a few weeks later...and now the dog eats turtles.
shes on punishment. now i do understand shes just a baby, only 7 months old and thought it was a toy but dag...inflicting violence on the innocent.
so i called my mom to tell her but my phone is cheap and died right after i said "mom"...as i got closer to the house i saw her car driving down the street and she rolled down the window yelling my name and telling me that she was driving around looking for us because all she heard me say was mom and then when she kept calling back it went straight to voicemail. said her chest was hurting and she had the house phone and her cell phone in the car...
then i get in the house and charge the phone and talk to my sister in atlanta and shes like "i called you 3 times you cant have your phone off!!! we get worried..."
glad to know somebody is still worried about my status of life.
didnt know they would get worried like that though...sorry guys...my phone is cheap! i wrote a poem about it a few months ago lol
I TALKED TO MY MOMS CLOSE FRIEND ON THE PHONE TONIGHT....
she asked me how my day was and i told her it was ok. she asked me how could we make my day better? what can be done? and i told her for me to get a job. she laughed and told me that it was on the way...
she said...
"DONT YOU KNOW THAT GOD HAS YOU? take this time to enjoy life, whether it is watching tv, sleeping in past 8am, packing your moms lunch each night, reading some books, doing your hair, just do it. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW. SO EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS AND KNOW THAT HE HAS YOU IN HIS HANDS AND EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL....and stay beautiful...i love you!!! remember he wants you to be completely happy!"
that was some beautiful encouragement tonight after i had been feeling a little down due to the response that a 'friend' had to my previous post about friends who dont have time to check in...which ill talk about next...
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PAGE....
she read my post and got all upset. she told me that i was wrong and that SATAN is messing with my mind making me think people dont care about me. she told me she loves me.
now my question is, how do people know we care about them? we show them. I have not heard from her since August and i have sent her emails and ecards but she had not responded to me...what would you think?
i told her i am SO TIRED of people using satan as a crutch. it seems that we have become intellectually lazy and tend to blame everything on satan instead of critically assessing the situation to figure out what is wrong and what needs to change and what we need to work on.
i could have just said, oh satan is messing with my mind and not actively committed myself to growing stronger and moving past my depression into a beautiful place...faith without works is dead. she continued on saying things that didnt make much sense to me because friendship is not based on if i think you are my friend because you told me you loved me a few months ago, i know you are my friend because you are continuously there for me especially during hard times, and well hey i had to remind her that i am sick with depression. i think people dont really understand the severity of the illness which is why i urged my friends to do their own research online and to read my blog but many of them havent. oh well...
she told me that she has been busy with work. i dont want anybody to tell me they are busy if they dont have kids. im sorry. but my sister is pregnant and raising a toddler and works as a nurse in a demanding operating room. she is busy every single day but she sacrifices her time to make sure we are in contact with one another whether by phone, email, AIM, or text if not every day, close to everyday. and those are the types of sisterfriends i want in my new life.
my 'friend' continued to make me feel as though something was wrong with me because i challenged her to be a better friend. if we are to honestly be sisterfriends we have got to do better. not contacting a friend with depression for almost 2 months and 'forgetting' to respond to her emails is not good enough. sorry to say so. and NO one will make me feel bad because i feel like i deserve encouragement and stronger friendships. I have a right!!! I have given of myself in invaluable ways to hundreds of people who have only drained my postitive energy source. which is probably one of the main reasons why i became depressed. i believe God is allowing me to experience these losses to see that i have to take control of my life and to not only guard my heart but to guard my positive energy supply.i gotta keep moving gotta keep on. i read a sisters blog on ymib.com today and she left me with a quote that is so strong for me now...
"People can only devalue you if you let them"
i was talking to my mom about it and she told me that people are just going to have to learn their own definitions of friendship right now for themselves but she is glad that i am learning and growing and getting stronger and focusing on what God has for me and not what i am seeing but holding onto my faith.
Like i wrote yesterday, i am so sad because the Black community has a rich tradition. We come from ancestors who developed amazing spirits and powers. Each of us hold inside of us the power to heal one another physically, emotionally and mentally but we have allowed so many other issues and things tear us apart and keep us from understanding and realizing our healing potental if we all come together. I truly believe that if one of us is hurting or sick and all of us band together with that person and pray and meditate and commune with them we will be able to intiate healing among one another....
this is why i have in the past developed my own activites and events to bring people together, one thing i remember is a dinner i hosted at my home to honor black history and we were able to commune together and remember our ancestors and discuss issues in a welcoming enviroment. i wanted to faciliate that for my friends...and some of those same people are ones who walked away from me, but at least i planted some type of seed in their lives.
through my involvement in other activites and circles, i have begun meeting people who have those same beliefs about friendship, sisterhood, and healing circles. and maybe it is just that the ones who dont believe and dont understand will have to leave my life and be replaced by the new ones... still i have hope for my old friends who have yet to allow themselves to be unlocked and open to change in their own lives and definitions/traditions of friendship...
Monday, September 29, 2008
i changed the photos in the frames.
before beginning, i must thank my network that LITERALLY saved my life when i was about to commit suicide...
+my mom who prayed for me, but also dropped everything and came to drive to maryland in the dark when she did not have her new glasses to pick me up and bring me home
+nyia my dog because she would lay on top of me every single night and wouldnt let me get out of bed to get out of my bedroom and followed me everywhere
+the saartijie project and my sister circle because they encouraged me and held me up to continue each day
today i have many to thank, the ones who continue to sacrifice their time and stand in the gap for me...
this weekend i looked at my pictures and began taking pictures out of the frames and replacing them with other photos.
why?
because the people in those original frames were inadequate.
lil sis and i sat and ripped up pictures. when i took some photos out to rip, she asked me why and what had happened with me and the individuals. i told her that as time passed i began to see that they were friends who only acted like a friend when you were around but not all the time. she had this expression on her face lke she was sorry and then she said,
"we dont need those type of friends. we need 24-7 friends."
i agreed.
Im depressed. I always need some drop of encouragement.
now one of the women whose photos i removed from my room and ripped up was this girl who has been a friend for awhile. we have known each other since we were young. the past 2 months we have not really talked, i have sent her emails, even E-CARDS!!!!! and she didnt respond, she didnt send me an E-card in return, nothing.
(no she could not send me an ecard, which means she definitely doesnt read this blog because she would have read the post in which i wondered why there are no cards for depression and other mental illnesses or why people dont send me ecards because they are free!)
so i decided to send her a final email to find out what was going on. did her email account not work? did she not get the emails i sent? and she replied
she got an email and forgot to respond. she has been busy the past few weeks. she did NOT even ask me how i had been doing...(which hasnt been that great, and the evidence is my increase in medication...)
i thought...ok.
thanks for letting me know who you really are!
one of those old friends who goes into the category of, basing friendship on the number of dinners and club outings. dag.
who is so busy that they cant drop an email or a text message?
who is so busy that they cant reply to an ecard with an encouraging ecard, damn i am the one who is mentally and emotionally sick. are you on medication????
sometimes i wonder if people are just waiting for invitations to my funeral.
so i just sit back and watch people fall out of my life like the fall leaves.
how many of my close, well used to be close friends have i sent the link to my blog to telling them that this is how they can keep up with me even when we dont talk....how many of them have actually read the blog? few.
i have a few more frames to redo.
i am so tired of people who are just WACK. fake. inconsiderate. unable to take a second out of their days. people who dont care. people who dont know how to be a friend. people who claim to love God but fail to act like Christ would. ugh! still i keep them in my prayers because it is the christian thing to do.
I AM DISSAPOINTED!!!! you know why????
because the black community is unique in its ability to build strong kinship networks. throughout history the black community has banded together to offer healing to one another. sisterfriends and brothers have held each other up in order to faciliate peace and stability for one another even in a world of chaos.
so what has happened with these people that i know?
not all of them but maybe like most...
WHICH REMINDS ME....
at church on sunday we were looking at a few verses of psalms 34 and so naturally i just decided to read the whole chapter quickly during the service and kept reading and found this scripture that made me think of my so called friendships
psalms 35:11-15
" they repay me evil for good. i am sick with despair.
yet when they were ill, i grieved for them.
I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered.
I was sad, as though they were my family,
as if i were grieving for my own mother
but they are glad now that I am in trouble;
they gleefully join together against me."
i was like dag. They were doing David like that too back in the day...but God is able to turn things around and bring those who are being mistreated into a beautiful day. Which is why I am not even worried about the people who mistreat me because God is getting ready to bless me big time and I am going to be amazingly successful beyond the success I already have....
ON OTHER TOPICS...
tonight for dinner i made salmon burgers with sweet potato fries and a tossed salad with romaine lettuce blend, corn, apples, and tomatoes....it was off the chain. my mom is working on losing weight before her 50th birthday celebration in november...get it girl! so i have been cooking more healthy meals...i am working on losing weight too...
it was a good day.
except i didnt go to therapy and i stayed in bed until 3pm. i didnt want to g and will never go to her again i dont like my therapist and will be getting a NEW one when i get my new job and new insurance...i just want a black woman who gives me applicable exercises to do and engages me more than my old therapist did
Friday, September 26, 2008
without family.
where would we be without family? i mean REAL family...
i have two sisters who are not related by blood, but blood has nothing to do with family. but my sisters both have new situations, one starting college and transitioning and another transitioning having babies and living far away (but about to move back to VA YAY!)
these women often say they are thankful for me and my mom all the time because we are there for them in so many ways, but they have NO idea how much i appreciate them being there for me. the time me and lil sis spend together on the weekends, because i dont have friends back home and dont want any really, dont really go anywhere but she always brightens my day and gets me excited to do things around the area...and my other sister who calls me every single day and if i dont answer leaves me messages worried because "i betta pick up the phone, she needs to be in contact with me at all times with me being depressed and all, silence might equal suicidal thoughts and we cant have that" what a sacrifice because she has a full time job at the hospital and is raising my goddaughter (who is a toddler), and is pregnant again with my future godson. :-) most women like that dont have much time but she makes it to make sure i am doing ok, so in return i make time for her too. i just wanted to say that i truly love them and i am thankful for the 13 years we have known each other...
muah!
oh i love my doctor too, when i told her my insurance is running out, she wrote my perscripton for meds for a month and then she told me that once i have future appointments with her she will only charge me my copay which is $20 instead of the full office visit which is like $100. i was like wow. she told me she still wants to be there for me and make sure i get better.
and finally, i have decided on my new name. first and last. but i dont think i want to post it yet. i am going to gradually move into my new name and start introducing myself to new people with the name and then do all the legal changing by january to start the new year off as the new me. :-)
things are looking up. kinda.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
mmhmm
so i figured i would post some pics since i havent. sunday was cool. me, lil sis, and my 2 adopted lil brothers from church took nyia to the beach. she was scared of the water so she just dug holes and ran around and sat and watched us play in the water. she wouldnt go near it at all! but she had a good time playing. so did i. it was a good outing for me. the last day of summer on the beach :-) i didnt feel sad nor anxious about anything, i just lived in that moment.i dont have pics of myself because i looked a hot mess from trying to drag her around
i was reading over some of my previous post and realized i said a few times that "i dont want people to think i am crazy"
my main problem is that i worry too much about other people, what they think, what they want, what they would do, so on and so on. i am now realizing that i dont want to talk to people AT ALL because then i dont have to worry about other people if i dont associate with other people. i just told lil sis last night that i dont want any friends, especially not here. i like just being with myself and my family. too many people bring too many problems and distractions and i am not ready for people to hurt me again.
the day my mom came to pick me up from maryland, some then friends said to me "well you know that reality + expectations=dissapointment" and i thought, maybe if i were expecting you to buy me ice cream and you didnt, but i fully expect my friends to go above and beyond if i am dying. that is an out of the ordinary situation. but some people just dont want to be bothered, and i guess thats ok with them. so if i dont have friends, i dont have that simple ordinary required expectation of friendship during hard times that other friends dont understand (they base friendship on how many times you go to the club together or out to eat together) then i dont have to be disapointed when they choose to ignore me. i need ride or die friends...God please send them one day. well i do have like 2 already but they are considered my real sisters.
i have been doing a lot better with my schedule. i wrote up goal sheets for myself and posted them on my closet doors so i have to look at them every single day. maybe ill take a picture of them and post tomorrow. i still havent written anything. maybe this blog counts. but i have a chapter of a book to write so the author can get it published and i have the play to write. i just need to do it. ugh i feel like i say that every day and never get it done. soon. i have been bogged down with cleaning and organizing and stuff plus i havent been waking up early. at least not today that wasnt until 2pm.
trying to do better. and i have been doing better. the change in medication hasnt made me sleepy at all. we will see what the doctor says on friday. i have 7 days until my insurance goes out! better get all the anti-depressant perscriptions filled fast...
Friday, September 19, 2008
just a quick thought
you know what makes me so mad?
there are no depression get well cards or gifts. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
like what is wrong with people? why dont they encourage us?
i know i am not the only person who notices this.
send a damn e card they are FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even the hallmark ones are free.
people are so CHEAP. i hate people. what is the cost of friendship? jesus went all the way and died to be my friend and people dont do anything for you. but claim to be like christ. i hate people.
lord forgive me.
the end.
there are no depression get well cards or gifts. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
like what is wrong with people? why dont they encourage us?
i know i am not the only person who notices this.
send a damn e card they are FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even the hallmark ones are free.
people are so CHEAP. i hate people. what is the cost of friendship? jesus went all the way and died to be my friend and people dont do anything for you. but claim to be like christ. i hate people.
lord forgive me.
the end.
increase.
working on this poem called increase.
says something like...
i prayed for increase.
im unemployed
uninsured
and unsure of my future
tired of the bill people calling me
and having no where to go for help
i prayed hard and hard and hard
i fasted for days
and i prayed
for increase
and i got increase
an increase in my dose of lexapro.
ha!
well im working on the poem. want it to sound fancy and all. so thats not the actual poem but some thoughts on how it should go. ill post it when i finally write it foreal.
and yes my therapist suggested my dose of lexapro go up since "my body is still so depressed" her words. should i be happy? my mom was a little silent when i told her how much my doctor decided to up it, she didnt think it would be that much. she told me a few weeks ago she knew i would be off the medicine soon.
i dont know what to think about it. its sad but i want to feel better so i have to take more meds i guess. not sure what to tell people. they will probably think im crazy...oh thats ok. ill be the craziest millionaire with no friends to share my wealth with in a few years. that sounds great! because nobody has tried to help me.
but one of my moms coworker gave me some money today!!! so i can go order my glasses tomorrow praise god becuase now i cant drive at night because i cant see far with out glasses. its really sad because i saw a really nice bag i want and cant buy it because im BROKE! and any money i get goes to what i need. i dont even have enough money to pay my bills. i need to at least keep my phone on. mom gave me some money for that and gas. and gas is it because it costs so much to put gas in the tank. dont think ill be driving anywhere for awhile.
oh. me and lil sis went to an open mic last night here. it was cool. very diverse. different from what i experienced in DC but nice. this old white man got on stage and read a couple of poems. i thought it was beautiful because he had to be in his 70s and he even brought his breathing machine with him and all i could think was....
i need to get up and WRITE every single day! here is this man in his 70s with an oxygen and breathing machine at the open mic and im laying in bed thinking about dying...i gotta get it together. hopefully since my meds are going up and i am finding more things to be motivated about i will start feeling a lot better.
i still dont like talking to people. and i still feel very negative about most realtionships in my life except a few.
one great thing about my dose increase is that its going to make me really sleepy for like a week or two....yes! i get to sleep all day and all night. but the nausea is something i am not looking forward to. oh and that risk of suicide with changes to the medication...
pray for me.
thanks.
oh depression.
ugh.
says something like...
i prayed for increase.
im unemployed
uninsured
and unsure of my future
tired of the bill people calling me
and having no where to go for help
i prayed hard and hard and hard
i fasted for days
and i prayed
for increase
and i got increase
an increase in my dose of lexapro.
ha!
well im working on the poem. want it to sound fancy and all. so thats not the actual poem but some thoughts on how it should go. ill post it when i finally write it foreal.
and yes my therapist suggested my dose of lexapro go up since "my body is still so depressed" her words. should i be happy? my mom was a little silent when i told her how much my doctor decided to up it, she didnt think it would be that much. she told me a few weeks ago she knew i would be off the medicine soon.
i dont know what to think about it. its sad but i want to feel better so i have to take more meds i guess. not sure what to tell people. they will probably think im crazy...oh thats ok. ill be the craziest millionaire with no friends to share my wealth with in a few years. that sounds great! because nobody has tried to help me.
but one of my moms coworker gave me some money today!!! so i can go order my glasses tomorrow praise god becuase now i cant drive at night because i cant see far with out glasses. its really sad because i saw a really nice bag i want and cant buy it because im BROKE! and any money i get goes to what i need. i dont even have enough money to pay my bills. i need to at least keep my phone on. mom gave me some money for that and gas. and gas is it because it costs so much to put gas in the tank. dont think ill be driving anywhere for awhile.
oh. me and lil sis went to an open mic last night here. it was cool. very diverse. different from what i experienced in DC but nice. this old white man got on stage and read a couple of poems. i thought it was beautiful because he had to be in his 70s and he even brought his breathing machine with him and all i could think was....
i need to get up and WRITE every single day! here is this man in his 70s with an oxygen and breathing machine at the open mic and im laying in bed thinking about dying...i gotta get it together. hopefully since my meds are going up and i am finding more things to be motivated about i will start feeling a lot better.
i still dont like talking to people. and i still feel very negative about most realtionships in my life except a few.
one great thing about my dose increase is that its going to make me really sleepy for like a week or two....yes! i get to sleep all day and all night. but the nausea is something i am not looking forward to. oh and that risk of suicide with changes to the medication...
pray for me.
thanks.
oh depression.
ugh.
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