increase.

working on this poem called increase.

says something like...

i prayed for increase.
im unemployed
uninsured
and unsure of my future
tired of the bill people calling me
and having no where to go for help
i prayed hard and hard and hard
i fasted for days
and i prayed
for increase
and i got increase
an increase in my dose of lexapro.

ha!

well im working on the poem. want it to sound fancy and all. so thats not the actual poem but some thoughts on how it should go. ill post it when i finally write it foreal.

and yes my therapist suggested my dose of lexapro go up since "my body is still so depressed" her words. should i be happy? my mom was a little silent when i told her how much my doctor decided to up it, she didnt think it would be that much. she told me a few weeks ago she knew i would be off the medicine soon.

i dont know what to think about it. its sad but i want to feel better so i have to take more meds i guess. not sure what to tell people. they will probably think im crazy...oh thats ok. ill be the craziest millionaire with no friends to share my wealth with in a few years. that sounds great! because nobody has tried to help me.

but one of my moms coworker gave me some money today!!! so i can go order my glasses tomorrow praise god becuase now i cant drive at night because i cant see far with out glasses. its really sad because i saw a really nice bag i want and cant buy it because im BROKE! and any money i get goes to what i need. i dont even have enough money to pay my bills. i need to at least keep my phone on. mom gave me some money for that and gas. and gas is it because it costs so much to put gas in the tank. dont think ill be driving anywhere for awhile.

oh. me and lil sis went to an open mic last night here. it was cool. very diverse. different from what i experienced in DC but nice. this old white man got on stage and read a couple of poems. i thought it was beautiful because he had to be in his 70s and he even brought his breathing machine with him and all i could think was....

i need to get up and WRITE every single day! here is this man in his 70s with an oxygen and breathing machine at the open mic and im laying in bed thinking about dying...i gotta get it together. hopefully since my meds are going up and i am finding more things to be motivated about i will start feeling a lot better.

i still dont like talking to people. and i still feel very negative about most realtionships in my life except a few.

one great thing about my dose increase is that its going to make me really sleepy for like a week or two....yes! i get to sleep all day and all night. but the nausea is something i am not looking forward to. oh and that risk of suicide with changes to the medication...

pray for me.
thanks.

oh depression.
ugh.