doing better.

So I am doing better.

For many people that phrase can be taken in so many ways. Some people think that when you say you are doing better that you are back to normal so they no longer have to wonder or give 'extra' care. some people know you are lying. and some people take it as it is, just a simple step up the ladder of recovery.

I am doing better but I am not all the way there. simply put.

to be honest i wanted to kill myself last week. but i only thought about it twice instead of all the time like before. so i guess thats better right?

Well you cant really tell people that straight up when they ask you how you have been doing. sometimes i wonder does this medicine really work? or maybe its the fact I havent been to therapy in the past 2 weeks because of being in and out of town? well either way I have moments where i am good and moments where I am not but now i notice being conscious of it and trying my hardest to not let it be so bad like it was before I began treatment. I think i really want to join a support group now. It will be so much better to actually talk with people who can encourage you because they really UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in this world where you just hate everything because you are that severly depressed. even when i try to be positive i am still sad sometimes.

i talked to 2 friends today and told them what was going on becuase they had been calling me for weeks and weeks and i finally let them know about my depression and how i wanted to die. they told me i was a very strong black woman and that they knew i would get back on my feet, but most importantly they told me they were sorry i had to go through this, they were sorry that people stopped being in my life when i need them most, and they were happy that i did not kill myself because they love me. imagine that! they thanked me for still being alive....and that meant so much to me. more than they will EVER know.

i also had an old friend/colleague make contact with me. he is also dealing with depression and we had somewhat of a fall out when he went through a few months ago. i was trying to be there for him and he was pushing everyone away, BUT unlike a lot of people in my life, i still remained in his even when he would not talk to me. i remember just sitting in bed with him and he wouldnt talk. and he wouldnt talk for weeks and then he finally did after a couple of months. we are supposed to be getting together to talk soon. that also means alot to me. i didnt tell him exactly what was going on with me but he could tell and he asked me how i have been holding up, i told him we will talk face to face. he told me he was glad we were still friends even after everything. and i told him that i understood. because i know what it is like to not be yourself and people not understand that it is because you are depressed. i didnt hold it against him and remained in his life with open arms not judging him or leaving him on his own but continuing to make contact with him to make sure he was doing ok. i know he went through a lot as i have and it is nice to know someone who does care and understand you. it is nice to know i am not crazy in thinking that people could have done more for me, because i did more for other people in my life who were/are depressed.

i will write later it is getting very late and i need to sleep. its like 2am but for some reason i cant figure out how to change this time post from pacific to eastern time.