i am once again tired and dont want to write. that seems to be the story of my life. there are so many things i am supposed to be writing...a play, a program for kids i am about to start volunteering with, articles for publication in scholarly journals (since i am a scholar), cover letters for jobs, finalizing my poetry book, and this blog. ugh...but i never want to write.
still i am gaining focus.
today i went to the public library in the city i grew up in because the library in the city i currently live in has all these ridiculous rules and hours and stuff that made me extremely angry, thus i am currently developing my speech and letter to the city and the head of the library system. they will change what is going on now and i am calling the channel 10 news because channel 10 goes everywhere to solve problems. they say that they want avid readers but they do not offer an environment for people to want to read...once all that goes down i will let you know the outcome. i drove by an empty building in the historic downtown area. i would LOVE to open a bookstore there where people can come and just read book and relax and become AVID READERS. bookstore/community library. im working on it...hmm a proposal is just ONE MORE thing to have to write...lol this might take a couple of weeks. pray for me and my focus and drive to want to write!
but like i said i am gaining focus because today i went to the library and checked out some books on african american plays, how to write a play, and books on black depression. i am using these all as resources for my play i am working on because i have never written a play before and i want to make sure everything is complete and professional at the end of the day. plus i also want to do more research on depression and other peoples experiences with depression so that i make sure i touch on all kinds of issues in my production.
that makes me HAVE TO focus with all these books on my nightstand.
i have started reading this book "Broken Silence: Opening your heart and mind to therapy, a black womans recovery guide" by Dr. D Kim Singleton. I accidently *nothing is accidental obviously God wanted me to see the book for some reason* bumped into the book while trying to find another book i was looking for. so far the book has been good. The Dr discusses her experiences with 8 Black women she had as clients in therapy. I would recommend this book to Black women who are going through mental issues/illness and others who want to understand therapy and experiences of black women.
today was a good day. me and mom went out to eat at jasons deli which is a great sandwich place i also recommend to others lol i also finished unpacking and organzing my room. i have designed it and decorated and it is so nice and beautiful and comfortable i dont want to move out. mom said if she gets married next year i can have her house then i wouldnt have to move...that would be great! i didnt feel sad today much or even at all. probably because i was doing so many things trying to get the house together. it has been raining alot. they say that tomorrow will be the worst because of hurricane or tropical storm hannah is going to be headed our way...nothing new i grew up with hurricanes and tornadoes...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
shining bright?
i am tired and dont want to write. but after reading and learning about another sisters commitment to writing every day as a part of her own healing process, i must write. i feel like i have to make the commitment as well. thanks for that encouraging push through your own healing process....
maybe i am really tired because of the benadryl. recently i have been dealing with these sneeze attacks. probably because of dust and dog hair. i have been cleaning up the house, unpacking my things, organizing the garage and so on. i am now my mothers housewife lol because i do all these things all day and then cook dinner around 3 so it is ready by the time she gets home...it is the least i can do for her letting me live with her during this healing process. i know she is my mother, but there are so many mothers around the world who are not there for their children. i dont take it for granted. and i also live with 2 pit bulls. a 9 year old, baby ruth, and my 6 month old puppy, nyia, who is sick right now :-( i have to give her 5 pills a day for her illness. i am rambling now let me write what i came to write lol
so as i wrote a couple of posts ago, i was able to meet with one of my collegues to talk about our experiences with depression. the meeting didnt start out like that. he just called and told me he had moved into a new condo and he would love if i came over to visit and we could catch up. but then he knew some way what was going on and so when i got to his house he asked me all types of questions about what i had been going through and then he told me about his process. i cant talk about every single thing we discussed but there are 2 things that really made me think.
1. he told me that he doesnt hold back from talking about being depressed. he said, "i talk about being depressed like it is a headache. somebody says to me, man you dont look good are you ok do you have a headache? and i tell them, no i am just depressed. like really depressed, been that way for the past couple of months"
and i was like wow ok. because the way he talked about it held no guilt or fear or anything. it was just hey, these are the facts, this is real life what i am going through right now i am depressed. he said it made no sense holding that fact back from people. and i agree or else i wouldnt have this blog. i know understand how important it is to openly state you are depressed and share with certain people your healing process and what you are going through because you never know who you might help along the way. i also think that by continuing to say "i am depressed" even as your healing gets better, you not only empower yourself but you empower others because they look at your progress like, WOW can you believe it? she is depressed and look at the progress she has made, she wanted to kill herself and now she is shining bright! amazing.
2. he also started talking about the people in his life and the mask he has to wear. he told me that he has different friends and women he dates who identify with different parts of him. there are the people who like him because he is an artist. people who like him because he is an intellectual. people who like him because he is pro black. people who like him for the black fraternity he belongs to. people who like him because of all these different categories that make up who he is and he always overcompensates in those areas when he is with those people. so i asked him if he had anyone in his life who he could be ALL of himself with. each part whole. and sadly he said outside of his family, no. he even went as far to say that he didnt think some people would even accept him whole. which surprised me because as a whole person he is amazing! (ok maybe it didnt surprise me that much. i realize that when you are depressed you think negatively about everything sometimes. most times. all the time. lol)
i just nodded my head and we sat silent. then at the same time we started to talk. and we found that we both felt that the fact he had few people he could be his whole self with probably had a major part in his depression.
but can we all really think about each part of our lives and see if we have someone who we can be our whole self with? It is important to have people who dont just accept but APPRECIATE every color we shine. the entire prism. but unfortunately we have people in our lives who only admire or identify with one color in our lives and that leaves us having to do more and wear masks so that we can please people afraid that if they were to see our entire rainbow, they might leave us alone. Well I made the decision that night to make sure I surround myself with people who not only love the rainbow that shines in my spirit but those who also have beautiful rainbows shining bright so that we might reflect one another. sadly he settled for his current situation and it made me even more upset for him because he really is a great guy with all colors as one rainbow...
make that your decision today. look at your colors, your rainbow and then the people in your lives. dont cling to those who only accept you but those who appreciate who you are in their lives and who you are to the world...
that has been a fundamental part of my healing thus far.
thats it for tonight time for sleep.
OH, YOU BETTER REGISTER TO VOTE. i wont tell you who to vote for....naw i will. OBAMA 08. thanks. get others to register to vote. take them to the voter registration office. this is serious!!!!!!
---and on the topic of politics, i have found myself becoming more and more passionate and outspoken about certain things. but i will write about that tomorrow.
maybe i am really tired because of the benadryl. recently i have been dealing with these sneeze attacks. probably because of dust and dog hair. i have been cleaning up the house, unpacking my things, organizing the garage and so on. i am now my mothers housewife lol because i do all these things all day and then cook dinner around 3 so it is ready by the time she gets home...it is the least i can do for her letting me live with her during this healing process. i know she is my mother, but there are so many mothers around the world who are not there for their children. i dont take it for granted. and i also live with 2 pit bulls. a 9 year old, baby ruth, and my 6 month old puppy, nyia, who is sick right now :-( i have to give her 5 pills a day for her illness. i am rambling now let me write what i came to write lol
so as i wrote a couple of posts ago, i was able to meet with one of my collegues to talk about our experiences with depression. the meeting didnt start out like that. he just called and told me he had moved into a new condo and he would love if i came over to visit and we could catch up. but then he knew some way what was going on and so when i got to his house he asked me all types of questions about what i had been going through and then he told me about his process. i cant talk about every single thing we discussed but there are 2 things that really made me think.
1. he told me that he doesnt hold back from talking about being depressed. he said, "i talk about being depressed like it is a headache. somebody says to me, man you dont look good are you ok do you have a headache? and i tell them, no i am just depressed. like really depressed, been that way for the past couple of months"
and i was like wow ok. because the way he talked about it held no guilt or fear or anything. it was just hey, these are the facts, this is real life what i am going through right now i am depressed. he said it made no sense holding that fact back from people. and i agree or else i wouldnt have this blog. i know understand how important it is to openly state you are depressed and share with certain people your healing process and what you are going through because you never know who you might help along the way. i also think that by continuing to say "i am depressed" even as your healing gets better, you not only empower yourself but you empower others because they look at your progress like, WOW can you believe it? she is depressed and look at the progress she has made, she wanted to kill herself and now she is shining bright! amazing.
2. he also started talking about the people in his life and the mask he has to wear. he told me that he has different friends and women he dates who identify with different parts of him. there are the people who like him because he is an artist. people who like him because he is an intellectual. people who like him because he is pro black. people who like him for the black fraternity he belongs to. people who like him because of all these different categories that make up who he is and he always overcompensates in those areas when he is with those people. so i asked him if he had anyone in his life who he could be ALL of himself with. each part whole. and sadly he said outside of his family, no. he even went as far to say that he didnt think some people would even accept him whole. which surprised me because as a whole person he is amazing! (ok maybe it didnt surprise me that much. i realize that when you are depressed you think negatively about everything sometimes. most times. all the time. lol)
i just nodded my head and we sat silent. then at the same time we started to talk. and we found that we both felt that the fact he had few people he could be his whole self with probably had a major part in his depression.
but can we all really think about each part of our lives and see if we have someone who we can be our whole self with? It is important to have people who dont just accept but APPRECIATE every color we shine. the entire prism. but unfortunately we have people in our lives who only admire or identify with one color in our lives and that leaves us having to do more and wear masks so that we can please people afraid that if they were to see our entire rainbow, they might leave us alone. Well I made the decision that night to make sure I surround myself with people who not only love the rainbow that shines in my spirit but those who also have beautiful rainbows shining bright so that we might reflect one another. sadly he settled for his current situation and it made me even more upset for him because he really is a great guy with all colors as one rainbow...
make that your decision today. look at your colors, your rainbow and then the people in your lives. dont cling to those who only accept you but those who appreciate who you are in their lives and who you are to the world...
that has been a fundamental part of my healing thus far.
thats it for tonight time for sleep.
OH, YOU BETTER REGISTER TO VOTE. i wont tell you who to vote for....naw i will. OBAMA 08. thanks. get others to register to vote. take them to the voter registration office. this is serious!!!!!!
---and on the topic of politics, i have found myself becoming more and more passionate and outspoken about certain things. but i will write about that tomorrow.
are you done?
i hate being depressed.
mainly because people are ready for you to be DONE with it.
they are tired of walking on egg shells.
they are tired of you crying.
they are tired of you not being the person you used to be.
they are tired of always asking you how you are doing and you not asking them how they are doing.
they want to deny you are depressed and do all this overly positive talk like: "you are NOT depressed, you are coming out of a hard time"
hmmm....
yeah right.
the other day my mom told me, "i think you are doing fine and you have come away from that place"
i was silent. bent my head down and continued eating my food. she noticed my silence and asked me "well what do you think?"
and i said...
I AM NOT DONE YET. I AM STILL GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS. I AM DEPRESSED.
when i am finished i will kindly send out text messages and email with exclaimation points and plan a big party to celebrate no more depression. but as for now i will continue to have up and down down down times and continue to go to therapy and continue to take these pills through fall, through the winter maybe the spring as the doctors have said...
its a process.
it doesnt finish up overnight.
i still got deep issues i will have to confront that i know i am not ready to deal with...
mainly because people are ready for you to be DONE with it.
they are tired of walking on egg shells.
they are tired of you crying.
they are tired of you not being the person you used to be.
they are tired of always asking you how you are doing and you not asking them how they are doing.
they want to deny you are depressed and do all this overly positive talk like: "you are NOT depressed, you are coming out of a hard time"
hmmm....
yeah right.
the other day my mom told me, "i think you are doing fine and you have come away from that place"
i was silent. bent my head down and continued eating my food. she noticed my silence and asked me "well what do you think?"
and i said...
I AM NOT DONE YET. I AM STILL GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS. I AM DEPRESSED.
when i am finished i will kindly send out text messages and email with exclaimation points and plan a big party to celebrate no more depression. but as for now i will continue to have up and down down down times and continue to go to therapy and continue to take these pills through fall, through the winter maybe the spring as the doctors have said...
its a process.
it doesnt finish up overnight.
i still got deep issues i will have to confront that i know i am not ready to deal with...
being a good christian.
being a good christian is not always easy. especially when you are depressed. ha.
which is why i will miss my church back in maryland because Pastor Battle keeps it real no matter what.
Recently he has embarked on a 6 part series called "Stuck" which addresses emotional wellness and healing. This has been an amazing series so far. This past sunday he was on part 3. When he began he told us that we are made up of 3 parts: body, soul, spirit. This is in the scriptures. God wants us to be whole in each area but unfortunately we usually end up 2/3 whole. this is because we tend to develop our bodies by eating healthy and exercising, and developing our spirit by going to church, reading our bibles, bible study and so on, but we usually fail to develop and address the issues of our souls. which takes time and personal commitment. he said that it is so hard because the world says "get over it" and the church says: "just pray" or "you are too blessed to be stressed" when the issues of our emotional wellness need to be addressed outside of spiritual jargon etc.
wow.
so far the series has been sooooo great and has definitely help me grow spiritually as well as work with my soul issues and my depression.
you can watch the messages online at: http://www.zionchurchonline.com/sermons.php then click on the weekly sermon picture. i would suggest starting with stuck pt. 1 and then moving up to the next part. they are updated online each wednesday.
So, being a good christian can be hard. and Pastor Battle says he thinks Christians have the most emotional problems than anyone else because we dont know how to deal with our issues since we find ourselves tied to being "spiritual" but he gave an example of David in the bible and how the entire book of Psalms shows David going through his depression and issues, at one point he asked God to kill people and the next he was praising...look at that. it is normal to feel all kinds of ways...
Recently in lieu of the hurricanes, a friend of mine called and told me about one of the people who turned their back on me and how he was upset about the storm and didnt want to lose his things although his family had evacuated safely. she asked me to pray for him and to call him if i wanted to. i got extremely angry. i told her that i guess i had to pray for him since i was a christian but that i didnt want to talk about it with her anymore. she continued to tell me he cried and so i told her i cried many nights when i wanted to kill myself and when my so called friends left me.
i was angry because i felt like she did not have a right to call me and put that burden on me. he is no longer my responsiblity to care for. now i do not turn my back on people but here is the thing, it has been 2 months since i had my major episode and people left me, and this particular person still has NOT called me to check on me, to see if i was still alive or what, he never called and apologized for leaving me outside by myself after yelling at me knowing full well i could have just jumped in my car and drove off a bridge and when he let all that time go by with out a phone call, he let me know that i am no longer responsible for him. now, as a good christian, i did pray for him and all the families affected by the hurricanes. and i also had to ask God for forgiveness because i was so angry.
but what i have learned is that being a good christian has nothing to do with what you might think it does. being a good christian means being honest with yourself and God. yes you can get angry and you can punch a hole in the wall, you might just cuss somebody out, you might run off , you might do a number of things, but being a good christian means you have to go to God for forgiveness and ask him how you can deal with whatever issues you might have because he loves us all and he does not have any qualms with how we might respond he just wants us to live our lives better that we are and more like Christ.
So i didnt feel bad about being upset. i didnt feel bad about washing my hands, because at this point in my life, the people who dont want to be in my life dont have to be and i cant sit around and wait on them, i have to live my life. so i ask God to forgive me when i am angry and to help me and i keep it moving....
it is about surivial.
and i know somebody in this world feels me right now...
which is why i will miss my church back in maryland because Pastor Battle keeps it real no matter what.
Recently he has embarked on a 6 part series called "Stuck" which addresses emotional wellness and healing. This has been an amazing series so far. This past sunday he was on part 3. When he began he told us that we are made up of 3 parts: body, soul, spirit. This is in the scriptures. God wants us to be whole in each area but unfortunately we usually end up 2/3 whole. this is because we tend to develop our bodies by eating healthy and exercising, and developing our spirit by going to church, reading our bibles, bible study and so on, but we usually fail to develop and address the issues of our souls. which takes time and personal commitment. he said that it is so hard because the world says "get over it" and the church says: "just pray" or "you are too blessed to be stressed" when the issues of our emotional wellness need to be addressed outside of spiritual jargon etc.
wow.
so far the series has been sooooo great and has definitely help me grow spiritually as well as work with my soul issues and my depression.
you can watch the messages online at: http://www.zionchurchonline.com/sermons.php then click on the weekly sermon picture. i would suggest starting with stuck pt. 1 and then moving up to the next part. they are updated online each wednesday.
So, being a good christian can be hard. and Pastor Battle says he thinks Christians have the most emotional problems than anyone else because we dont know how to deal with our issues since we find ourselves tied to being "spiritual" but he gave an example of David in the bible and how the entire book of Psalms shows David going through his depression and issues, at one point he asked God to kill people and the next he was praising...look at that. it is normal to feel all kinds of ways...
Recently in lieu of the hurricanes, a friend of mine called and told me about one of the people who turned their back on me and how he was upset about the storm and didnt want to lose his things although his family had evacuated safely. she asked me to pray for him and to call him if i wanted to. i got extremely angry. i told her that i guess i had to pray for him since i was a christian but that i didnt want to talk about it with her anymore. she continued to tell me he cried and so i told her i cried many nights when i wanted to kill myself and when my so called friends left me.
i was angry because i felt like she did not have a right to call me and put that burden on me. he is no longer my responsiblity to care for. now i do not turn my back on people but here is the thing, it has been 2 months since i had my major episode and people left me, and this particular person still has NOT called me to check on me, to see if i was still alive or what, he never called and apologized for leaving me outside by myself after yelling at me knowing full well i could have just jumped in my car and drove off a bridge and when he let all that time go by with out a phone call, he let me know that i am no longer responsible for him. now, as a good christian, i did pray for him and all the families affected by the hurricanes. and i also had to ask God for forgiveness because i was so angry.
but what i have learned is that being a good christian has nothing to do with what you might think it does. being a good christian means being honest with yourself and God. yes you can get angry and you can punch a hole in the wall, you might just cuss somebody out, you might run off , you might do a number of things, but being a good christian means you have to go to God for forgiveness and ask him how you can deal with whatever issues you might have because he loves us all and he does not have any qualms with how we might respond he just wants us to live our lives better that we are and more like Christ.
So i didnt feel bad about being upset. i didnt feel bad about washing my hands, because at this point in my life, the people who dont want to be in my life dont have to be and i cant sit around and wait on them, i have to live my life. so i ask God to forgive me when i am angry and to help me and i keep it moving....
it is about surivial.
and i know somebody in this world feels me right now...
so much.
this past weekend i moved all of my things in a budget truck out of my apartment in Maryland and down to my mothers house in Virginia. What an arduous task. But we got it done. Me and Moms and the help of my sister and future brother in law as well as some of the kids in the neighborhood. I was able to give one of the little girls my desk and chair and one of the boys my legos (yes i am 23 and was playing with legos a few months ago. i like to build things)
So anyway...what a relief and joy to get away and start new. I was sad that i was leaving the DC area. Mostly because I have fallen in love with so many places that i have secretly named my own spots and I know i wont find anything or any place like it anywhere else. second because one of my close friends has been coming down back and forth from new york and i love being around him because he makes me happy and laugh and smile and just have fun and feel carefree which is what i need as i am going through the healing process. i wanted to be around with him/for him but ill be down here. he says he will come visit. hopefully. we spent a lot of time before i left DC and we usually talk every week almost every day but yeah...my heart beats.
to think about him i would say that we had some tough times. and we used to be together. used to want to be together forever. and i said some horrible things to him, which i still carry around guilty of sometimes and although he did break up with me in february, as i am going through my depression he has been there for me the entire time. more than most people in my life which is amazing considering some of the things people said about him in the past but hey...i cannot do anything about the past. i am living today and when tomorrow comes i will live in that moment.
that is pretty much how i am living life now by that mantra...
i cant do anything about the past. it is the PAST.
i cant do anything about the future. it is not here yet.
but i can live in today. i can live today to the last drop. i can roll around in the last few seconds as though i am licking the plate of today. dig deep and enjoy each moment i have today.
and when i tell myself that, it is so much easier to be stress free. so much easier not to let myself roll down the slippery slope that any small thing can become under the weight of depression.
so today my mom came home and told me that one of her friends husband committed suicide early in the morning.
and to be honest with you, the first thought that came to my mind was, "why didnt i succeed? why am i still alive? how come i didnt die?"
wow. can i be honest and admit those things and not have somebody allow me to be honest? most people would be upset and go on and on about how i shouldnt say things like that. but i need to breathe.
thats what i thought. as painful as it sounds. and i do know why i didnt succeed, it is because God wants me to live. because he is not finished with me yet. becuase there are thousands of things for me to still do on earth. millions of lives for me touch. i have work to do.
but i dont want to get caught up in spiritual jargon and not address my feelings. it would be easy for me to say, "well God didnt want me to die so let me just stop thinking about it" even though deep inside i would still be wonder and the feelings might grow into something dangerous. i want to address it with my therapist now. why do i still wonder about my death? why does suicide often linger in the back of my mind. aside from putting it on satan, why?
So anyway...what a relief and joy to get away and start new. I was sad that i was leaving the DC area. Mostly because I have fallen in love with so many places that i have secretly named my own spots and I know i wont find anything or any place like it anywhere else. second because one of my close friends has been coming down back and forth from new york and i love being around him because he makes me happy and laugh and smile and just have fun and feel carefree which is what i need as i am going through the healing process. i wanted to be around with him/for him but ill be down here. he says he will come visit. hopefully. we spent a lot of time before i left DC and we usually talk every week almost every day but yeah...my heart beats.
to think about him i would say that we had some tough times. and we used to be together. used to want to be together forever. and i said some horrible things to him, which i still carry around guilty of sometimes and although he did break up with me in february, as i am going through my depression he has been there for me the entire time. more than most people in my life which is amazing considering some of the things people said about him in the past but hey...i cannot do anything about the past. i am living today and when tomorrow comes i will live in that moment.
that is pretty much how i am living life now by that mantra...
i cant do anything about the past. it is the PAST.
i cant do anything about the future. it is not here yet.
but i can live in today. i can live today to the last drop. i can roll around in the last few seconds as though i am licking the plate of today. dig deep and enjoy each moment i have today.
and when i tell myself that, it is so much easier to be stress free. so much easier not to let myself roll down the slippery slope that any small thing can become under the weight of depression.
so today my mom came home and told me that one of her friends husband committed suicide early in the morning.
and to be honest with you, the first thought that came to my mind was, "why didnt i succeed? why am i still alive? how come i didnt die?"
wow. can i be honest and admit those things and not have somebody allow me to be honest? most people would be upset and go on and on about how i shouldnt say things like that. but i need to breathe.
thats what i thought. as painful as it sounds. and i do know why i didnt succeed, it is because God wants me to live. because he is not finished with me yet. becuase there are thousands of things for me to still do on earth. millions of lives for me touch. i have work to do.
but i dont want to get caught up in spiritual jargon and not address my feelings. it would be easy for me to say, "well God didnt want me to die so let me just stop thinking about it" even though deep inside i would still be wonder and the feelings might grow into something dangerous. i want to address it with my therapist now. why do i still wonder about my death? why does suicide often linger in the back of my mind. aside from putting it on satan, why?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
healing circle.
so i was in a production recently in august and wow it was amazing. being a part of the play gave me strength when i didnt feel like doing anything, when i didnt feel like i could make it back in july and august. i would just sit in my room or walk the dog and learn the lines to my parts. being in the play was beautiful! i loved it! i felt so free and so alive and so everything i have ever wanted to be.
After the play I had a lot of people come to me and ask me what i did for a living, people told me i should quit that and just be an actress. other people told me that acting was obviously a passion for me.
and it is. which is why i am going to audition for some more opportunities as they come along and we are planning to put our production on again a few more times this year.
I also need to buckle down and commit to finishing the play i am working on about depression in the black community. it is SO needed right now the more and more i talk to people and talk to my therapst i realize how much depression in the black community and all mental illnesses in the black community need to be addressed. So i am going to really start working on that especially since i am not working right now and i have the time to do it.
So like i said the play was awesome, it was sold out each night and just a great opportunity to share and love and educate people about the politics of black womens bodies and our sister saartjie.
but most importantly, i met some of the most incredible women on this earth. they were all so amazing there are not enough words to describe them. this came to mind...
born/made/bleeding/proud in the image of God
fractured pieces molded as one
these are the women i have been thirsting for
On the night of the dress rehearsal i decided to share my story with these wonderful women. and in that moment, my testimony, my pain became a catalyst for the healing circle that we started. one by one women began to share their pain and their issues and how blessed they were to know they were not the only ones carrying heavy burdens. even in therapy. even on medication. and i cried. one sister held me tight and thanked me for choosing life. she repeated over and over "thank you for choosing life"
and i thought how amazing that i have only known these women for 2 months, but the people i have known for years turned their backs on me. never checked on me. didnt thank me for choosing life when i could have just died.
i was able to commune with these women. to become one with them and i am truly blessed because of it. God is so awesome for bringing them into my life. and now i think, sure i lost 4 or 5 friends, but i have gained 12 beautiful amazing wonderful talented blessed strong powerful sisters that i know i will never let go of. for we have become one powerful beautiful collective.
and i smiled.
no longer thirsty for something real
but satisfied by the beautiful light i am reflecting from my 12 sisters.
i love you all sooooo much.
thank you for loving me into healing...
a circle we shall forever be.
[i will most definitely make an announcement when we go back on stage in the next few months]
After the play I had a lot of people come to me and ask me what i did for a living, people told me i should quit that and just be an actress. other people told me that acting was obviously a passion for me.
and it is. which is why i am going to audition for some more opportunities as they come along and we are planning to put our production on again a few more times this year.
I also need to buckle down and commit to finishing the play i am working on about depression in the black community. it is SO needed right now the more and more i talk to people and talk to my therapst i realize how much depression in the black community and all mental illnesses in the black community need to be addressed. So i am going to really start working on that especially since i am not working right now and i have the time to do it.
So like i said the play was awesome, it was sold out each night and just a great opportunity to share and love and educate people about the politics of black womens bodies and our sister saartjie.
but most importantly, i met some of the most incredible women on this earth. they were all so amazing there are not enough words to describe them. this came to mind...
born/made/bleeding/proud in the image of God
fractured pieces molded as one
these are the women i have been thirsting for
On the night of the dress rehearsal i decided to share my story with these wonderful women. and in that moment, my testimony, my pain became a catalyst for the healing circle that we started. one by one women began to share their pain and their issues and how blessed they were to know they were not the only ones carrying heavy burdens. even in therapy. even on medication. and i cried. one sister held me tight and thanked me for choosing life. she repeated over and over "thank you for choosing life"
and i thought how amazing that i have only known these women for 2 months, but the people i have known for years turned their backs on me. never checked on me. didnt thank me for choosing life when i could have just died.
i was able to commune with these women. to become one with them and i am truly blessed because of it. God is so awesome for bringing them into my life. and now i think, sure i lost 4 or 5 friends, but i have gained 12 beautiful amazing wonderful talented blessed strong powerful sisters that i know i will never let go of. for we have become one powerful beautiful collective.
and i smiled.
no longer thirsty for something real
but satisfied by the beautiful light i am reflecting from my 12 sisters.
i love you all sooooo much.
thank you for loving me into healing...
a circle we shall forever be.
[i will most definitely make an announcement when we go back on stage in the next few months]
to play catch up.
i have been lazy.
but im depressed. what do you expect?
lol. amazing i just laughed. actually smiled after writing the second sentence.
i am doing better. i am getting stronger. i am actually laughing and smiling more with out hestiation. its honest. its pure. i still get angry pissed etc but now it is so much easier to push through those feelings. ok so i guess the lexapro works because like many other people i have read online, i am now able to not focus so much on my depression but i am able to work through it and try to deal with the issues that are causing it as well as get a handle on my life again.
so i have been lazy and havent wanted to write even though i have so much to write about. so what i will do is play catch up now in the next couple of posts and just write each post about everything that has gone on. i will try to do this tonight because i know i wont be able to fall asleep for awhile so i might as well do something productive instead of sit and watch tv or play this freecell card game on my computer. (i am addicted to that game.)
time to write. new post coming up now...
but im depressed. what do you expect?
lol. amazing i just laughed. actually smiled after writing the second sentence.
i am doing better. i am getting stronger. i am actually laughing and smiling more with out hestiation. its honest. its pure. i still get angry pissed etc but now it is so much easier to push through those feelings. ok so i guess the lexapro works because like many other people i have read online, i am now able to not focus so much on my depression but i am able to work through it and try to deal with the issues that are causing it as well as get a handle on my life again.
so i have been lazy and havent wanted to write even though i have so much to write about. so what i will do is play catch up now in the next couple of posts and just write each post about everything that has gone on. i will try to do this tonight because i know i wont be able to fall asleep for awhile so i might as well do something productive instead of sit and watch tv or play this freecell card game on my computer. (i am addicted to that game.)
time to write. new post coming up now...
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