so much.

this past weekend i moved all of my things in a budget truck out of my apartment in Maryland and down to my mothers house in Virginia. What an arduous task. But we got it done. Me and Moms and the help of my sister and future brother in law as well as some of the kids in the neighborhood. I was able to give one of the little girls my desk and chair and one of the boys my legos (yes i am 23 and was playing with legos a few months ago. i like to build things)

So anyway...what a relief and joy to get away and start new. I was sad that i was leaving the DC area. Mostly because I have fallen in love with so many places that i have secretly named my own spots and I know i wont find anything or any place like it anywhere else. second because one of my close friends has been coming down back and forth from new york and i love being around him because he makes me happy and laugh and smile and just have fun and feel carefree which is what i need as i am going through the healing process. i wanted to be around with him/for him but ill be down here. he says he will come visit. hopefully. we spent a lot of time before i left DC and we usually talk every week almost every day but yeah...my heart beats.

to think about him i would say that we had some tough times. and we used to be together. used to want to be together forever. and i said some horrible things to him, which i still carry around guilty of sometimes and although he did break up with me in february, as i am going through my depression he has been there for me the entire time. more than most people in my life which is amazing considering some of the things people said about him in the past but hey...i cannot do anything about the past. i am living today and when tomorrow comes i will live in that moment.

that is pretty much how i am living life now by that mantra...

i cant do anything about the past. it is the PAST.
i cant do anything about the future. it is not here yet.
but i can live in today. i can live today to the last drop. i can roll around in the last few seconds as though i am licking the plate of today. dig deep and enjoy each moment i have today.

and when i tell myself that, it is so much easier to be stress free. so much easier not to let myself roll down the slippery slope that any small thing can become under the weight of depression.

so today my mom came home and told me that one of her friends husband committed suicide early in the morning.

and to be honest with you, the first thought that came to my mind was, "why didnt i succeed? why am i still alive? how come i didnt die?"

wow. can i be honest and admit those things and not have somebody allow me to be honest? most people would be upset and go on and on about how i shouldnt say things like that. but i need to breathe.

thats what i thought. as painful as it sounds. and i do know why i didnt succeed, it is because God wants me to live. because he is not finished with me yet. becuase there are thousands of things for me to still do on earth. millions of lives for me touch. i have work to do.

but i dont want to get caught up in spiritual jargon and not address my feelings. it would be easy for me to say, "well God didnt want me to die so let me just stop thinking about it" even though deep inside i would still be wonder and the feelings might grow into something dangerous. i want to address it with my therapist now. why do i still wonder about my death? why does suicide often linger in the back of my mind. aside from putting it on satan, why?