excitment.

i have started the application process and that makes me so excited.

i know i was going to wait until fall 2010, but it just doesnt make sense. All i want to do is teach college. so why wait 2 years to get my PhD? working some dumb job i dont really like? dont think so. I had to pray and think about it really hard especially while i was at this job fair last week, because none of the jobs interested me. I just want to teach college. that is my dream job. Dr. me, Professor me... :-)

so i am going for it. and i see no reason why they wont accept me. i am the bomb! i am strong. i am creative. an innovator. a scholar. and one thing i love...i love my people. i love my sisters. and imma do all the studying, research, teaching, and programming to make sure we stay in somebodies classroom...ok.

yes! excited foreal.

oh and i got a parttime job at one of my favorite stores!!!! wooo hooo!!!!!

and i have another interview for a full time job next week. things are looking positive :-)

praise god. because that is the ONLY way we make it. even if people dont want to admit it, they betta admit it because GOD is it! i know i should be dead but i am still alive and smiling only because of my God....(can i get a hand clap? lol)

i wish all readers peace and love and success...

i live with a monster. a cute monster.

yes Nyia tore up my futon. all i did was take the cover off to wash it and she just went and demolished it. maybe because my mom did not feed her dinner while i was out at the library...lol i guess she had to eat something...

being a puppy mom is hard. i dont know how people with real kids manage...many blessings to you with children...i do pray that one day i am blessed to have some beautiful babies with an amazing strong black man of God...

just wanted people to see something i gotta deal with daily. this giant puppy who now weighs 54 pounds at age 7 months...

i'll write about life later. i really have a lot to write about the past weekend i went to my grandmas in the country, to the football game at UVA, and to DC for play practice. A lot. and this week is also a busy week! not only do i have a performance with the Saartjie Project on Friday night in DC, i also have to present my research on adolescent sexual behavior at Howard University on Friday afternoon. Yeah...and today is wednesday. ugh.

I just took my new medication last night, new type new dose. so lets PRAY HARD that I dont have any side effects like being sleepy because I have so much I have to do and I have to drive to DC tomorrow...

greeting cards/me myself and i

today i passed by the greeting card aisles and thought id take a look...

then i found this really beautiful card with glitter and beautiful designs on the front and it said

"keep smiling"

then on the inside it read:

"have a beautiful day (no matter what else is going on around you).

and i thought man i wish i would get this card in the mail....then i realized, i am not going to wait on people to encourage me when i can encourage myself...

SO i brought the card for MYSELF!

and i wrote a message to myself inside of it.

"we are going to have a fabulous life as J.A." (J.A. are the intitals to my new name i am changing to)

love,

me.

i got me myself and i. while it is sad that others dont send cards and encouragement (especially when i have said numerous times how much i LOVE cards and ecards, and people have seen them all over my house so you should have picked up on how much i love cards), and it is sad that i have to do it for myself, it is also empowering that i CAN do it for myself...that i can look within and stand on my own two feet and not hope and wish and wait on others because ultimately they are not the source of my happiness and at the end of the day being happy is up to me and God working together to develop that environment in my head so that it spills over into my life...

i told my mom i brought myself a card because others wont. and she said "how do you know they wont do it for you?" and i told her "because they havent." she said, "not in your time focus on Gods time"

now i am trusting in God for many things, but im sorry because that is a poor excuse relating to a simple greeting card...that is a poor excuse for peoples behavior. we have to live for TODAY!!! we cant put things off that relate to the heart, to family, to wholeness, to healing for tomorrow, because what if a part of tomorrow never surfaces? what if you dont get the chance tomorrow to encourage that one person you thought about today? do that one thing you knew would help someone else or even help yourself? we have to ACT TODAY while we still have the chance.

WILL YOU ACT TODAY?

numbers.

78.

i got 78 cents in my bank account. wow.

i DONT want to hear ANYBODY talk about being broke. because i only have seventy eight cents. and bill collectors calling every single day. and tmobile threatening to cut my phone off every single week. i wish this was the old days where familes banded together and took up donations for family members who were struggling. what to do? i dont like asking people for money...i might have to get over that right now. i just dont feel community with people its weird...what has happened to black people we have got to do better!!!!

45.

my dog weighs 45 pounds. and she is just almost 7 months old. which means she is going to probably get as big as 60 or more pounds. hmmm...

well, i had an interview today for a part time job at one of my favorite stores. as me and the interviewer were talking she said, "now i know you dont want to work for us with a masters degree" and i was like i need a full time job and 3 part time jobs to pay these bills because i am already so behind on them in the first place. i have to pay hundreds of extra dollars because of my finanical situation. and aint much i could do. who was going to work or hire me in the state i was in august and september? hmmmm....nah.

the economy sucks. i hope i get a job soon. i just want to pay my bills!!!! i dont even want money so i can go shopping or add more money to my savings account, get my nails done or all that other ridiculousness, i just want to pay my bills. what a luxury to be able to pay bills!!! count your blessings if you have a job making enough money to take care of your own business becasue i dont have one. i know my credit score SUCKS now and thats wack because i want to be able to start my businesses and try to get a business loan in order to open my book shop/community center next year...

God please....hook me up ASAP.

oh yeah.

my next big thing to do is to start my own publishing company because i know so many people who want to publish, so many poets and artists and writers that i believe in...

so its going down! as soon as i get things together.

trust and believe its going to be in progress by the beginning of 2009.

email me for more info if you want...

mama came lookin for us...

i was walking the dog tonight and let her run off in a field on the way back home and as she came closer to me i noticed she was crunching on something...

it was a turtle she found while running in the field, and yes she killed it.

i was so upset. how could she!!!!!!! i remember my first pet was a turtle i found walking across the road when i was like 6 years old. i made my mom stop the car and let me pick it up. then somebody stole it off our porch a few weeks later...and now the dog eats turtles.

shes on punishment. now i do understand shes just a baby, only 7 months old and thought it was a toy but dag...inflicting violence on the innocent.

so i called my mom to tell her but my phone is cheap and died right after i said "mom"...as i got closer to the house i saw her car driving down the street and she rolled down the window yelling my name and telling me that she was driving around looking for us because all she heard me say was mom and then when she kept calling back it went straight to voicemail. said her chest was hurting and she had the house phone and her cell phone in the car...

then i get in the house and charge the phone and talk to my sister in atlanta and shes like "i called you 3 times you cant have your phone off!!! we get worried..."

glad to know somebody is still worried about my status of life.
didnt know they would get worried like that though...sorry guys...my phone is cheap! i wrote a poem about it a few months ago lol

I TALKED TO MY MOMS CLOSE FRIEND ON THE PHONE TONIGHT....


she asked me how my day was and i told her it was ok. she asked me how could we make my day better? what can be done? and i told her for me to get a job. she laughed and told me that it was on the way...

she said...
"DONT YOU KNOW THAT GOD HAS YOU? take this time to enjoy life, whether it is watching tv, sleeping in past 8am, packing your moms lunch each night, reading some books, doing your hair, just do it. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW. SO EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS AND KNOW THAT HE HAS YOU IN HIS HANDS AND EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL....and stay beautiful...i love you!!! remember he wants you to be completely happy!"

that was some beautiful encouragement tonight after i had been feeling a little down due to the response that a 'friend' had to my previous post about friends who dont have time to check in...which ill talk about next...



THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PAGE....


she read my post and got all upset. she told me that i was wrong and that SATAN is messing with my mind making me think people dont care about me. she told me she loves me.
now my question is, how do people know we care about them? we show them. I have not heard from her since August and i have sent her emails and ecards but she had not responded to me...what would you think?

i told her i am SO TIRED of people using satan as a crutch. it seems that we have become intellectually lazy and tend to blame everything on satan instead of critically assessing the situation to figure out what is wrong and what needs to change and what we need to work on.

i could have just said, oh satan is messing with my mind and not actively committed myself to growing stronger and moving past my depression into a beautiful place...faith without works is dead. she continued on saying things that didnt make much sense to me because friendship is not based on if i think you are my friend because you told me you loved me a few months ago, i know you are my friend because you are continuously there for me especially during hard times, and well hey i had to remind her that i am sick with depression. i think people dont really understand the severity of the illness which is why i urged my friends to do their own research online and to read my blog but many of them havent. oh well...

she told me that she has been busy with work. i dont want anybody to tell me they are busy if they dont have kids. im sorry. but my sister is pregnant and raising a toddler and works as a nurse in a demanding operating room. she is busy every single day but she sacrifices her time to make sure we are in contact with one another whether by phone, email, AIM, or text if not every day, close to everyday. and those are the types of sisterfriends i want in my new life.

my 'friend' continued to make me feel as though something was wrong with me because i challenged her to be a better friend. if we are to honestly be sisterfriends we have got to do better. not contacting a friend with depression for almost 2 months and 'forgetting' to respond to her emails is not good enough. sorry to say so. and NO one will make me feel bad because i feel like i deserve encouragement and stronger friendships. I have a right!!! I have given of myself in invaluable ways to hundreds of people who have only drained my postitive energy source. which is probably one of the main reasons why i became depressed. i believe God is allowing me to experience these losses to see that i have to take control of my life and to not only guard my heart but to guard my positive energy supply.i gotta keep moving gotta keep on. i read a sisters blog on ymib.com today and she left me with a quote that is so strong for me now...

"People can only devalue you if you let them"

i was talking to my mom about it and she told me that people are just going to have to learn their own definitions of friendship right now for themselves but she is glad that i am learning and growing and getting stronger and focusing on what God has for me and not what i am seeing but holding onto my faith.

Like i wrote yesterday, i am so sad because the Black community has a rich tradition. We come from ancestors who developed amazing spirits and powers. Each of us hold inside of us the power to heal one another physically, emotionally and mentally but we have allowed so many other issues and things tear us apart and keep us from understanding and realizing our healing potental if we all come together. I truly believe that if one of us is hurting or sick and all of us band together with that person and pray and meditate and commune with them we will be able to intiate healing among one another....

this is why i have in the past developed my own activites and events to bring people together, one thing i remember is a dinner i hosted at my home to honor black history and we were able to commune together and remember our ancestors and discuss issues in a welcoming enviroment. i wanted to faciliate that for my friends...and some of those same people are ones who walked away from me, but at least i planted some type of seed in their lives.

through my involvement in other activites and circles, i have begun meeting people who have those same beliefs about friendship, sisterhood, and healing circles. and maybe it is just that the ones who dont believe and dont understand will have to leave my life and be replaced by the new ones... still i have hope for my old friends who have yet to allow themselves to be unlocked and open to change in their own lives and definitions/traditions of friendship...

i changed the photos in the frames.

before beginning, i must thank my network that LITERALLY saved my life when i was about to commit suicide...

+my mom who prayed for me, but also dropped everything and came to drive to maryland in the dark when she did not have her new glasses to pick me up and bring me home
+nyia my dog because she would lay on top of me every single night and wouldnt let me get out of bed to get out of my bedroom and followed me everywhere
+the saartijie project and my sister circle because they encouraged me and held me up to continue each day

today i have many to thank, the ones who continue to sacrifice their time and stand in the gap for me...


this weekend i looked at my pictures and began taking pictures out of the frames and replacing them with other photos.

why?

because the people in those original frames were inadequate.

lil sis and i sat and ripped up pictures. when i took some photos out to rip, she asked me why and what had happened with me and the individuals. i told her that as time passed i began to see that they were friends who only acted like a friend when you were around but not all the time. she had this expression on her face lke she was sorry and then she said,

"we dont need those type of friends. we need 24-7 friends."

i agreed.

Im depressed. I always need some drop of encouragement.

now one of the women whose photos i removed from my room and ripped up was this girl who has been a friend for awhile. we have known each other since we were young. the past 2 months we have not really talked, i have sent her emails, even E-CARDS!!!!! and she didnt respond, she didnt send me an E-card in return, nothing.

(no she could not send me an ecard, which means she definitely doesnt read this blog because she would have read the post in which i wondered why there are no cards for depression and other mental illnesses or why people dont send me ecards because they are free!)

so i decided to send her a final email to find out what was going on. did her email account not work? did she not get the emails i sent? and she replied

she got an email and forgot to respond. she has been busy the past few weeks. she did NOT even ask me how i had been doing...(which hasnt been that great, and the evidence is my increase in medication...)

i thought...ok.
thanks for letting me know who you really are!

one of those old friends who goes into the category of, basing friendship on the number of dinners and club outings. dag.

who is so busy that they cant drop an email or a text message?

who is so busy that they cant reply to an ecard with an encouraging ecard, damn i am the one who is mentally and emotionally sick. are you on medication????

sometimes i wonder if people are just waiting for invitations to my funeral.

so i just sit back and watch people fall out of my life like the fall leaves.

how many of my close, well used to be close friends have i sent the link to my blog to telling them that this is how they can keep up with me even when we dont talk....how many of them have actually read the blog? few.

i have a few more frames to redo.


i am so tired of people who are just WACK. fake. inconsiderate. unable to take a second out of their days. people who dont care. people who dont know how to be a friend. people who claim to love God but fail to act like Christ would. ugh! still i keep them in my prayers because it is the christian thing to do.

I AM DISSAPOINTED!!!! you know why????

because the black community is unique in its ability to build strong kinship networks. throughout history the black community has banded together to offer healing to one another. sisterfriends and brothers have held each other up in order to faciliate peace and stability for one another even in a world of chaos.

so what has happened with these people that i know?

not all of them but maybe like most...

WHICH REMINDS ME....

at church on sunday we were looking at a few verses of psalms 34 and so naturally i just decided to read the whole chapter quickly during the service and kept reading and found this scripture that made me think of my so called friendships

psalms 35:11-15

" they repay me evil for good. i am sick with despair.
yet when they were ill, i grieved for them.
I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered.
I was sad, as though they were my family,
as if i were grieving for my own mother
but they are glad now that I am in trouble;
they gleefully join together against me."

i was like dag. They were doing David like that too back in the day...but God is able to turn things around and bring those who are being mistreated into a beautiful day. Which is why I am not even worried about the people who mistreat me because God is getting ready to bless me big time and I am going to be amazingly successful beyond the success I already have....



ON OTHER TOPICS...

tonight for dinner i made salmon burgers with sweet potato fries and a tossed salad with romaine lettuce blend, corn, apples, and tomatoes....it was off the chain. my mom is working on losing weight before her 50th birthday celebration in november...get it girl! so i have been cooking more healthy meals...i am working on losing weight too...

it was a good day.

except i didnt go to therapy and i stayed in bed until 3pm. i didnt want to g and will never go to her again i dont like my therapist and will be getting a NEW one when i get my new job and new insurance...i just want a black woman who gives me applicable exercises to do and engages me more than my old therapist did