before beginning, i must thank my network that LITERALLY saved my life when i was about to commit suicide...
+my mom who prayed for me, but also dropped everything and came to drive to maryland in the dark when she did not have her new glasses to pick me up and bring me home
+nyia my dog because she would lay on top of me every single night and wouldnt let me get out of bed to get out of my bedroom and followed me everywhere
+the saartijie project and my sister circle because they encouraged me and held me up to continue each day
today i have many to thank, the ones who continue to sacrifice their time and stand in the gap for me...
this weekend i looked at my pictures and began taking pictures out of the frames and replacing them with other photos.
why?
because the people in those original frames were inadequate.
lil sis and i sat and ripped up pictures. when i took some photos out to rip, she asked me why and what had happened with me and the individuals. i told her that as time passed i began to see that they were friends who only acted like a friend when you were around but not all the time. she had this expression on her face lke she was sorry and then she said,
"we dont need those type of friends. we need 24-7 friends."
i agreed.
Im depressed. I always need some drop of encouragement.
now one of the women whose photos i removed from my room and ripped up was this girl who has been a friend for awhile. we have known each other since we were young. the past 2 months we have not really talked, i have sent her emails, even E-CARDS!!!!! and she didnt respond, she didnt send me an E-card in return, nothing.
(no she could not send me an ecard, which means she definitely doesnt read this blog because she would have read the post in which i wondered why there are no cards for depression and other mental illnesses or why people dont send me ecards because they are free!)
so i decided to send her a final email to find out what was going on. did her email account not work? did she not get the emails i sent? and she replied
she got an email and forgot to respond. she has been busy the past few weeks. she did NOT even ask me how i had been doing...(which hasnt been that great, and the evidence is my increase in medication...)
i thought...ok.
thanks for letting me know who you really are!
one of those old friends who goes into the category of, basing friendship on the number of dinners and club outings. dag.
who is so busy that they cant drop an email or a text message?
who is so busy that they cant reply to an ecard with an encouraging ecard, damn i am the one who is mentally and emotionally sick. are you on medication????
sometimes i wonder if people are just waiting for invitations to my funeral.
so i just sit back and watch people fall out of my life like the fall leaves.
how many of my close, well used to be close friends have i sent the link to my blog to telling them that this is how they can keep up with me even when we dont talk....how many of them have actually read the blog? few.
i have a few more frames to redo.
i am so tired of people who are just WACK. fake. inconsiderate. unable to take a second out of their days. people who dont care. people who dont know how to be a friend. people who claim to love God but fail to act like Christ would. ugh! still i keep them in my prayers because it is the christian thing to do.
I AM DISSAPOINTED!!!! you know why????
because the black community is unique in its ability to build strong kinship networks. throughout history the black community has banded together to offer healing to one another. sisterfriends and brothers have held each other up in order to faciliate peace and stability for one another even in a world of chaos.
so what has happened with these people that i know?
not all of them but maybe like most...
WHICH REMINDS ME....
at church on sunday we were looking at a few verses of psalms 34 and so naturally i just decided to read the whole chapter quickly during the service and kept reading and found this scripture that made me think of my so called friendships
psalms 35:11-15
" they repay me evil for good. i am sick with despair.
yet when they were ill, i grieved for them.
I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered.
I was sad, as though they were my family,
as if i were grieving for my own mother
but they are glad now that I am in trouble;
they gleefully join together against me."
i was like dag. They were doing David like that too back in the day...but God is able to turn things around and bring those who are being mistreated into a beautiful day. Which is why I am not even worried about the people who mistreat me because God is getting ready to bless me big time and I am going to be amazingly successful beyond the success I already have....
ON OTHER TOPICS...
tonight for dinner i made salmon burgers with sweet potato fries and a tossed salad with romaine lettuce blend, corn, apples, and tomatoes....it was off the chain. my mom is working on losing weight before her 50th birthday celebration in november...get it girl! so i have been cooking more healthy meals...i am working on losing weight too...
it was a good day.
except i didnt go to therapy and i stayed in bed until 3pm. i didnt want to g and will never go to her again i dont like my therapist and will be getting a NEW one when i get my new job and new insurance...i just want a black woman who gives me applicable exercises to do and engages me more than my old therapist did
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