mama came lookin for us...

i was walking the dog tonight and let her run off in a field on the way back home and as she came closer to me i noticed she was crunching on something...

it was a turtle she found while running in the field, and yes she killed it.

i was so upset. how could she!!!!!!! i remember my first pet was a turtle i found walking across the road when i was like 6 years old. i made my mom stop the car and let me pick it up. then somebody stole it off our porch a few weeks later...and now the dog eats turtles.

shes on punishment. now i do understand shes just a baby, only 7 months old and thought it was a toy but dag...inflicting violence on the innocent.

so i called my mom to tell her but my phone is cheap and died right after i said "mom"...as i got closer to the house i saw her car driving down the street and she rolled down the window yelling my name and telling me that she was driving around looking for us because all she heard me say was mom and then when she kept calling back it went straight to voicemail. said her chest was hurting and she had the house phone and her cell phone in the car...

then i get in the house and charge the phone and talk to my sister in atlanta and shes like "i called you 3 times you cant have your phone off!!! we get worried..."

glad to know somebody is still worried about my status of life.
didnt know they would get worried like that though...sorry guys...my phone is cheap! i wrote a poem about it a few months ago lol

I TALKED TO MY MOMS CLOSE FRIEND ON THE PHONE TONIGHT....


she asked me how my day was and i told her it was ok. she asked me how could we make my day better? what can be done? and i told her for me to get a job. she laughed and told me that it was on the way...

she said...
"DONT YOU KNOW THAT GOD HAS YOU? take this time to enjoy life, whether it is watching tv, sleeping in past 8am, packing your moms lunch each night, reading some books, doing your hair, just do it. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW. SO EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS AND KNOW THAT HE HAS YOU IN HIS HANDS AND EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL....and stay beautiful...i love you!!! remember he wants you to be completely happy!"

that was some beautiful encouragement tonight after i had been feeling a little down due to the response that a 'friend' had to my previous post about friends who dont have time to check in...which ill talk about next...



THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PAGE....


she read my post and got all upset. she told me that i was wrong and that SATAN is messing with my mind making me think people dont care about me. she told me she loves me.
now my question is, how do people know we care about them? we show them. I have not heard from her since August and i have sent her emails and ecards but she had not responded to me...what would you think?

i told her i am SO TIRED of people using satan as a crutch. it seems that we have become intellectually lazy and tend to blame everything on satan instead of critically assessing the situation to figure out what is wrong and what needs to change and what we need to work on.

i could have just said, oh satan is messing with my mind and not actively committed myself to growing stronger and moving past my depression into a beautiful place...faith without works is dead. she continued on saying things that didnt make much sense to me because friendship is not based on if i think you are my friend because you told me you loved me a few months ago, i know you are my friend because you are continuously there for me especially during hard times, and well hey i had to remind her that i am sick with depression. i think people dont really understand the severity of the illness which is why i urged my friends to do their own research online and to read my blog but many of them havent. oh well...

she told me that she has been busy with work. i dont want anybody to tell me they are busy if they dont have kids. im sorry. but my sister is pregnant and raising a toddler and works as a nurse in a demanding operating room. she is busy every single day but she sacrifices her time to make sure we are in contact with one another whether by phone, email, AIM, or text if not every day, close to everyday. and those are the types of sisterfriends i want in my new life.

my 'friend' continued to make me feel as though something was wrong with me because i challenged her to be a better friend. if we are to honestly be sisterfriends we have got to do better. not contacting a friend with depression for almost 2 months and 'forgetting' to respond to her emails is not good enough. sorry to say so. and NO one will make me feel bad because i feel like i deserve encouragement and stronger friendships. I have a right!!! I have given of myself in invaluable ways to hundreds of people who have only drained my postitive energy source. which is probably one of the main reasons why i became depressed. i believe God is allowing me to experience these losses to see that i have to take control of my life and to not only guard my heart but to guard my positive energy supply.i gotta keep moving gotta keep on. i read a sisters blog on ymib.com today and she left me with a quote that is so strong for me now...

"People can only devalue you if you let them"

i was talking to my mom about it and she told me that people are just going to have to learn their own definitions of friendship right now for themselves but she is glad that i am learning and growing and getting stronger and focusing on what God has for me and not what i am seeing but holding onto my faith.

Like i wrote yesterday, i am so sad because the Black community has a rich tradition. We come from ancestors who developed amazing spirits and powers. Each of us hold inside of us the power to heal one another physically, emotionally and mentally but we have allowed so many other issues and things tear us apart and keep us from understanding and realizing our healing potental if we all come together. I truly believe that if one of us is hurting or sick and all of us band together with that person and pray and meditate and commune with them we will be able to intiate healing among one another....

this is why i have in the past developed my own activites and events to bring people together, one thing i remember is a dinner i hosted at my home to honor black history and we were able to commune together and remember our ancestors and discuss issues in a welcoming enviroment. i wanted to faciliate that for my friends...and some of those same people are ones who walked away from me, but at least i planted some type of seed in their lives.

through my involvement in other activites and circles, i have begun meeting people who have those same beliefs about friendship, sisterhood, and healing circles. and maybe it is just that the ones who dont believe and dont understand will have to leave my life and be replaced by the new ones... still i have hope for my old friends who have yet to allow themselves to be unlocked and open to change in their own lives and definitions/traditions of friendship...