shining bright?

i am tired and dont want to write. but after reading and learning about another sisters commitment to writing every day as a part of her own healing process, i must write. i feel like i have to make the commitment as well. thanks for that encouraging push through your own healing process....

maybe i am really tired because of the benadryl. recently i have been dealing with these sneeze attacks. probably because of dust and dog hair. i have been cleaning up the house, unpacking my things, organizing the garage and so on. i am now my mothers housewife lol because i do all these things all day and then cook dinner around 3 so it is ready by the time she gets home...it is the least i can do for her letting me live with her during this healing process. i know she is my mother, but there are so many mothers around the world who are not there for their children. i dont take it for granted. and i also live with 2 pit bulls. a 9 year old, baby ruth, and my 6 month old puppy, nyia, who is sick right now :-( i have to give her 5 pills a day for her illness. i am rambling now let me write what i came to write lol

so as i wrote a couple of posts ago, i was able to meet with one of my collegues to talk about our experiences with depression. the meeting didnt start out like that. he just called and told me he had moved into a new condo and he would love if i came over to visit and we could catch up. but then he knew some way what was going on and so when i got to his house he asked me all types of questions about what i had been going through and then he told me about his process. i cant talk about every single thing we discussed but there are 2 things that really made me think.

1. he told me that he doesnt hold back from talking about being depressed. he said, "i talk about being depressed like it is a headache. somebody says to me, man you dont look good are you ok do you have a headache? and i tell them, no i am just depressed. like really depressed, been that way for the past couple of months"

and i was like wow ok. because the way he talked about it held no guilt or fear or anything. it was just hey, these are the facts, this is real life what i am going through right now i am depressed. he said it made no sense holding that fact back from people. and i agree or else i wouldnt have this blog. i know understand how important it is to openly state you are depressed and share with certain people your healing process and what you are going through because you never know who you might help along the way. i also think that by continuing to say "i am depressed" even as your healing gets better, you not only empower yourself but you empower others because they look at your progress like, WOW can you believe it? she is depressed and look at the progress she has made, she wanted to kill herself and now she is shining bright! amazing.

2. he also started talking about the people in his life and the mask he has to wear. he told me that he has different friends and women he dates who identify with different parts of him. there are the people who like him because he is an artist. people who like him because he is an intellectual. people who like him because he is pro black. people who like him for the black fraternity he belongs to. people who like him because of all these different categories that make up who he is and he always overcompensates in those areas when he is with those people. so i asked him if he had anyone in his life who he could be ALL of himself with. each part whole. and sadly he said outside of his family, no. he even went as far to say that he didnt think some people would even accept him whole. which surprised me because as a whole person he is amazing! (ok maybe it didnt surprise me that much. i realize that when you are depressed you think negatively about everything sometimes. most times. all the time. lol)

i just nodded my head and we sat silent. then at the same time we started to talk. and we found that we both felt that the fact he had few people he could be his whole self with probably had a major part in his depression.

but can we all really think about each part of our lives and see if we have someone who we can be our whole self with? It is important to have people who dont just accept but APPRECIATE every color we shine. the entire prism. but unfortunately we have people in our lives who only admire or identify with one color in our lives and that leaves us having to do more and wear masks so that we can please people afraid that if they were to see our entire rainbow, they might leave us alone. Well I made the decision that night to make sure I surround myself with people who not only love the rainbow that shines in my spirit but those who also have beautiful rainbows shining bright so that we might reflect one another. sadly he settled for his current situation and it made me even more upset for him because he really is a great guy with all colors as one rainbow...

make that your decision today. look at your colors, your rainbow and then the people in your lives. dont cling to those who only accept you but those who appreciate who you are in their lives and who you are to the world...

that has been a fundamental part of my healing thus far.


thats it for tonight time for sleep.

OH, YOU BETTER REGISTER TO VOTE. i wont tell you who to vote for....naw i will. OBAMA 08. thanks. get others to register to vote. take them to the voter registration office. this is serious!!!!!!

---and on the topic of politics, i have found myself becoming more and more passionate and outspoken about certain things. but i will write about that tomorrow.