9 movements

i wrote this at 230am. its raw.... i offer no disclaimer/explaination/apology. i am past that stage. my words are my words. please comment in colorful ways....

i call it /9 movements/

1.
The skies are dark.
Always dark.
I am twisted into a sentence of…
Nothingness.
I am nothing.
Nothing or not enough.

2.
Who are you?
And why are you watching me?
Who are you to not watch me?
Who are you?
Why aren’t you here?

3.
The lights are bright.
Those round lightbulbs over the bathroom sink
They are always too bright.
Show too much.
Walls lined in streaks of red
Blood bubbles over my palms
traps under the fingertips
9 empty tubes of red lipstick
surround me on the floor
I tried to make myself pretty
For you
Used up just about every single tube
But got tired and
Decided to cut my wrists instead.

4.
They say I’m depressed.
I am tired of walking on streets that
Don’t exist.
I am tired of loving people
Who never knew love.
Where are the grapes
That grew in grandmas garden?

5.
You are going to be famous.
She’s five years old
She is going to be a doctor!
A pediatrician!
The surgeon general!
She wants to be a whore.
She is a whore.
She is a whore.
She is a lost soul translated
Into whore 25 years old.

6.
Stop fixing my hair.
I hate when you do that.
So what I don’t have a perm
I don’t want one.
I think I am still beautiful.
Shit.
Where did these tears come from.
I have cried for 40 days straight
Like rains in that flood in the bible story
But I have no boat to save me.

7.
This must be it.
The final call.
I do not think
I can bleed anymore.
How do you say goodbye
In another language.
Adios
Au revior.
I NEVER wanted to live with any of you in the first place
YOU ALL INVADED MY LIFE
You colonized me
Personal imperialism
You USED me, my family and my home
Because yours was inadequate to serve you!
You USED me and my body
Because yours needed a release.
And this is what I get?
An empty bottle of Tropicana orange soda
And chips.
I am a field of nothingness.
Nothing.Not enough
But maybe you are too.

8.
Good bye to every bitch that
Smile in my face.
Including you.

9.
Waking to sunlight through blinds.
I didn’t make it.
I did.
This room.
These walls.
This bed.
IV in arm.
They poke and prod.
They tell me I’m depressed.
I already knew that shit.
Who is going to fix it?